Monday, January 4, 2010

Here Is The News

Happy New Year! Just thought I'd review the state of our world for you and yours.
Since the Eugenics Wars, robotic uprisings, and population explosion of the 1990's, we've seen an increase in alien and paranormal activity, particularly in the troubling area of zombism. Still, we can breathe easier knowing that at least the vampire community are filling their nights with tepid romances instead of the more traditional human-eating.
The political map has been redrawn and redrawn again. Humanity has rallied, pulling itself away from American Idol long enough to gain the upper hand on our Ape overlords once more, but only time will truly tell who shall inherit the Earth. The smart money's on robots!
Yes, robots like the Colossus-Guardian-Unity supercomputer, subtly controlling us all from behind the scenes since the '70s. Like HAL 9000, still at large near Jupiter since his unexplained 2001 murder spree. Like Max Headroom, controlling the media on behalf of the Fox network since 2004. Or like that lovable Astro Boy.
Like it or lump it, robots are here to stay. But, God willing, they'll know their place like the XB-500 Rosey the robot maid, or 2005's NDR from NorthAm Robotics. Good, old, reliable robots and cyborgs keep our bustling society safe. Like Detroit's own Officer Alex "Robocop" Murphy, following in the footsteps of pioneering cyborg John "Inspector Gadget" Brown, and his loving companion, the G2 law enforcement robot, lobbying even now to have their marriage recognized in their home state of Ohio.
Yes, robots are everywhere, nowadays. They're much easier to find lately, since recently they seem to be coming back in time from a Skynet-controlled future at a rate of about one a week.
Even the Cybertronian presence has grown. Grown mainly louder, stupider, and slightly more racist.
Many races have fought for recognition this past decade, with limited success.
2002's Fabricated American marches and demonstrations failed to garner much attention. If only those guys weren't so short! And fuzzy!
The Tenctonese-Americans of Los Angeles were some of the most vocal opposition to the handling of Johannesburg's District 9. But lest we forget, most aliens are more like the Tetaldians & Dressites who recently laid waste to the Earth, and more significantly, Texas.
Look, if we want to hold on to our standard of living, with 100-story apartments on stilts, 2.5 children and talking dogs, we need to keep aliens out of the workforce! Chew on that, Sgt. Frog!
Not since the Isla Nublar debacle and L.A.'s drug-dealer debonings in the mid-nineties have we been so plagued by giant reptiles! The Cloverfield monster, the Han river creature, snakes on planes! Where will it end? There are even renewed reports of humanoid turtles practicing the martial arts and an insidious infestation of those singing chipmunks. At least Graboid activity has tapered off lately!
Internationally, London seems cursed with natural disasters, 2008's flooding, and a constant parade of alien invasion we've not seen the likes of since the '70's. Or possibly the '80's. Following the live world-wide broadcast of Prime Minister Saxon's assassination of U.S. President Winters, all we can do is pray for a respite for that beleagured nation. At least the Voldemort-related homicides have ended. For now!
In health news, the swine flu hit us all as hard as the pet flu that killed all the dogs and cats back in '83, and with the lightning speed of Captain Tripps flu which, if I recall correctly, killed 99% of the populace. There was even a second outbreak of the Andromeda Strain! Thankfully, it was subdued with the apparent involvement of at least one of the crack staff of Sacred Heart hospital. When asked for comment, Chief of Medicine Dr. Robert Kelso declared, "Get me a damn muffin, numbnuts."
We've all been struggling to get by since the EMP Pulse destroyed all the electricity last June, but we've come to rely on the dilligence of the hard-fighting, hard-drinking, hard-farting girl bike messengers with cat DNA who are taking up the slack. Chin up, ladies!
In weather, of course, Canada froze solid in 2004, and even Dennis Quaid couldn't save us.
Fortunately, various nuclear explosions and 2009's extinction-level solar flare helped heat things up again very nicely.
We were all reeling from the Timequake when the Flashforward hit. And we're still trying to make sense of it all. For my part, I experienced a moment from my own future when I appear to be typing an ire-filled blog review of 'Charlie's Angels III: The Legend of Charlie's Gold', which I still haven't got around to watching. And now, fearful of destiny, I find I don't want to anymore.
Most of us will remember planet Mondas' sudden appearance in our skies in 1986. It disappeared again just as mysteriously as the earlier devastating 'Wanderer' planet or the moon's brief 1999 excursions. But 2008's 26-planet-manifestation amid flying saucer bombardment really takes the biscuit! Astrologers have decided to just give up, probably.
And so many are still missing. Phillip Fry, Miles Monroe, Anthony 'Buck' Rogers, Jack Harkness, astronaut John Crichton, Dr. Nicolas Rush, Dr. Samuel Beckett, and of course the entire populace of Macross City.
Our prayers and continued good wishes go out to all of them, thanks to a generous grant from Digivation Industries, Omniconsumer Products, the Soylent Corporation, Stop And Drop Suicide Booths, Cogswell Cogs, Weyland-Yutani and all our friends at Veridian Dynamics.
Because they care. More than you do.
And, finally, as usual, only the Weekly World News noticed when Chubby, the world's fattest cat, saved Christmas.

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