Monday, January 5, 2009

80, yes, EIGHTY Comics-Made-Into-Movies ranked

Yup, I literally have done this thing. Ranking comics made into movies-- is this effective use of my time? And is Rank an all-too-appropriate word? You decide.

From best to worst in my awe-inspiring opinion:
Spider-Man 2- this is a GREAT Spidey film
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer- now make a GREAT Fantastic Four movie
Iron Man- just like the She-Hulk, I might have to sleep with Tony Stark
Superman II- Kneel before Richard Donner
Men In Black- watch it again, Slick, it's about the best movie on the planet
Howard the Duck- for some reason, I'm REALLY not kidding you
Hellboy- I may actually want Abe Sapien's fishy babies. Sorry, Tony
Superman- you'll believe a movie can rock
Spider-Man 3- Venom, Sandman, Gwen Stacey- too many villains!
Ranma 1/2 Big Trouble In Nekonron, China- I've never needed understanding to love things
Spider-Man- except that dorky Goblin costume
X-Men The Last Stand- Magnetic Gandalf and Blue Frasier- splendid
Incredible Hulk- I'm buttering Marvel up for a She-Hulk spin-off
Judge Dredd- I'm still not kidding. HULLO, Cursed Earth pizza?
Daredevil- Kevin Smith, Stan the Man, Bennifer, yessir I like it
The Dark Knight- I like a BATMAN movie better than...
Fantastic Four- and they're my favorites!
X2- ze incredible Nightcrawler!
Batman Begins- Michael Caine, Gary Oldman, that Scarecrow guy. Cool.
X-Men- Alberta is the cagefighting province!
Tank Girl- I'm not proud, people.
V For Vendetta- hip
The Rocketeer- yup
Batman Forever- I like Tommy Lee and Jim. I really do.
Monkeybone- I also like monkeys
Mystery Men- it's not the Tick, but it's good Garofolo and friends
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles- I was a turtle ninja for Halloween. I may have some problems.
Batman: Mask of the Phantasm- this cartoon was brilliant
From Hell- this is not my thing at all, which shows how good it is
Batman- this was pretty cool, cartoon was better
The Mask- never saw the sequel with ze incredible Nightcrawler!
Blade Trinity- Ryan Reynolds should be in every movie ever
Supergirl- I wasn't always proud of liking this, but having seen Superman Returns...
Heavy Metal 2000- F.A.K.K.2 appears not to stand for anything. Boobies, maybe?
Timecop- he totally changed time!
Ghost Rider- Nick Cage: make the SHE-HULK movie. Fulfill your VOW!
Hulk- strange actionless choices, but better than you think
Blade- this was way cool
Superman III- this was needless, but I laughed
Men In Black II-this was MORE needless, but I laughed
Elektra- Zod is in this, but is it good?
Constantine- Canoe is not Constantine. Admit it.
Barbarella- I'll admit it: I've seen this 5 times
Superman IV- I'll admit it, I've seen this a lot more than 5 times
Heavy Metal- oh, cartoon boobs
Josie & the Pussycats- yes, but it's better than the source material
The Phantom- You wish YOU looked like a penis in a domino mask
Punisher (Thomas Jayne)- Mystique is NOT Mousey Joan, that's rubbish
Dick Tracy- o.k. it's bad, but now I've seen the Spirit
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: Turtles in Time- if only I was kidding
Over The Hedge- but I LIKE a cookie...
City Hunter- Jackie Chan rules, that's all I remember
Sheena- too gratuitous
Red Sonja- not gratuitous enough
Batman The Movie- shark repellant is better than Kryptonian dead-beat dad
A Charlie Brown Christmas- is it too schmaltzy? watch those kids dance- be heartwarmed
American Splendor (this is the mid-point, evoking neither positive nor negative emotion)
Batman Returns- Christoher Walken notwithstanding
Annie- arrgh
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (the secret is Vanilla Ice)
The Crow II: City of Angels- don't know if it's good, but Kirk & Kayla fell in love
Blade II- Danny John Jules notwithstanding
Batman & Robin- Ahhnold notwithstanding
Superman Returns- only Spacey & Posey got this thing above Garfield
Garfield- how did this go wrong?
Captain America (1991)- Red Skull is not Italian. Sweet Christmas!
Sin City- ehh
The Shadow- blehh
The Crow- shmehh
Road To Perdition- there's nothing wrong with this. I'm mental.
League of Extraordinary Gentlemen- bleckk
Captain America II: Death Too Soon- no, not too soon at all
Ghost World- oh, come on, it's sooooo tedious
The Guyver- Mark Hamill was the Joker in cartoons. He's good in them. Don't watch this.
Spawn- lord, beer me strength
The Spirit- oh lordyloo
Archie: To Riverdale & Back Again- wrong, wrong, wrong
Dennis the Menace- is better than...
300- 300 is how gay it is on a scale of 1 to 10
Barb Wire- this may actually be the worst movie of ANY kind

Up next: Comics into T.V. and Direct-To-Video and stuff I couldn't bring myself to watch

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Abandoned Blog Re-Discovered by Simpleton

Hiya. So it's Ought Nine. And a year without posts. I'm Mike McDevitt, engaged to Trish Van Doornum, I work at Chapters bookstore Whyte Avenue as the magazine department guy. I'm a pudgy, gradually greying 32 year-old. I'm on the threadbare blue couch in the living room of the condo we own 9 months worth of. So, the floor under the doormat, then.
I've got some good friends. Kirk & Kayla & their daughters- we visit each Sunday night. Ron (co-worker) & Darrel- Wednesday movie buds. Anthony & Jodi (Trish's co-worker)- regular Doctor Who night and hangin' out.
I just posted a comment on Peter David's blog. My first. I have butterflies about the whole thing, because I idolize the man, yet my post contained criticism of his She-Hulk comic. Sort of the same thing as my previous rants only hopefully watered down.
But what's really stupid is I criticized a writer, when my own writing output this year was a sparse paragraph in November, an unfinished short story which sucks too hard to finish, and my ongoing and entirely unnecessary Marvel Comics Chronology and Doctor Who Chronology.
I thought I'd continue in the same vein. Can't think of anything to complain about, so I have some favorites to mention.
My favorite Doctor Whos from most to least:
10th- oh, he's brilliant
9th- fantastic just about covers it
7th- psychologist-magician, the odd little guy with the wicked mind & childlike heart
4th- the first I knew, the scarf, the Douglas Adams dialouge, absolutely barmy
5th- bland of dress, young, kind, millions of light years better in radio scripts
8th- the optimist who only has the radio scripts to shine in
6th- iconoclast, sabotaged, better than his writers, Big Finish Radio redeemed him
2nd- the little tramp whose best stuff may still be lost (even good as a cartoon!)
3rd- the dandy, too stiff for me to truly love, but a trouper to the end
1st- is he difficult to like? grouchiest grandfather, but in the end, very English

My top ten Doctor Who companions from most to least:
Ace- Wicked
Donna- Noble
K-9- there are those who love the tin dog, and those who are wrong
Romana II- such the foil for the Doctor
Rose- a love interest at last?
Sarah Jane- so cool
Benny- gratuitous, but won me over on radio
Leela- brings the brawn when the Doctor brings the brains
Nyssa- the whole package, better off with radio scripts
The Brig- is he a companion? Or is the Doctor his? My man Alistair.

And the rest. Adric, Tegan, Romana I, Turlough, Ian, Susan, Criz- I haven't ranked them, maybe I will one day. Maybe Peri's at the top of the list, she didn't have good scripts but she did wear a bikini once. Maybe Dodo's at the bottom... is that fair to any of the others who deserve last place?

For those eager to read my ranking of comic book movies... you clearly have no lives but tune in tomorrow.