Monday, January 5, 2009

80, yes, EIGHTY Comics-Made-Into-Movies ranked

Yup, I literally have done this thing. Ranking comics made into movies-- is this effective use of my time? And is Rank an all-too-appropriate word? You decide.

From best to worst in my awe-inspiring opinion:
Spider-Man 2- this is a GREAT Spidey film
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer- now make a GREAT Fantastic Four movie
Iron Man- just like the She-Hulk, I might have to sleep with Tony Stark
Superman II- Kneel before Richard Donner
Men In Black- watch it again, Slick, it's about the best movie on the planet
Howard the Duck- for some reason, I'm REALLY not kidding you
Hellboy- I may actually want Abe Sapien's fishy babies. Sorry, Tony
Superman- you'll believe a movie can rock
Spider-Man 3- Venom, Sandman, Gwen Stacey- too many villains!
Ranma 1/2 Big Trouble In Nekonron, China- I've never needed understanding to love things
Spider-Man- except that dorky Goblin costume
X-Men The Last Stand- Magnetic Gandalf and Blue Frasier- splendid
Incredible Hulk- I'm buttering Marvel up for a She-Hulk spin-off
Judge Dredd- I'm still not kidding. HULLO, Cursed Earth pizza?
Daredevil- Kevin Smith, Stan the Man, Bennifer, yessir I like it
The Dark Knight- I like a BATMAN movie better than...
Fantastic Four- and they're my favorites!
X2- ze incredible Nightcrawler!
Batman Begins- Michael Caine, Gary Oldman, that Scarecrow guy. Cool.
X-Men- Alberta is the cagefighting province!
Tank Girl- I'm not proud, people.
V For Vendetta- hip
The Rocketeer- yup
Batman Forever- I like Tommy Lee and Jim. I really do.
Monkeybone- I also like monkeys
Mystery Men- it's not the Tick, but it's good Garofolo and friends
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles- I was a turtle ninja for Halloween. I may have some problems.
Batman: Mask of the Phantasm- this cartoon was brilliant
From Hell- this is not my thing at all, which shows how good it is
Batman- this was pretty cool, cartoon was better
The Mask- never saw the sequel with ze incredible Nightcrawler!
Blade Trinity- Ryan Reynolds should be in every movie ever
Supergirl- I wasn't always proud of liking this, but having seen Superman Returns...
Heavy Metal 2000- F.A.K.K.2 appears not to stand for anything. Boobies, maybe?
Timecop- he totally changed time!
Ghost Rider- Nick Cage: make the SHE-HULK movie. Fulfill your VOW!
Hulk- strange actionless choices, but better than you think
Blade- this was way cool
Superman III- this was needless, but I laughed
Men In Black II-this was MORE needless, but I laughed
Elektra- Zod is in this, but is it good?
Constantine- Canoe is not Constantine. Admit it.
Barbarella- I'll admit it: I've seen this 5 times
Superman IV- I'll admit it, I've seen this a lot more than 5 times
Heavy Metal- oh, cartoon boobs
Josie & the Pussycats- yes, but it's better than the source material
The Phantom- You wish YOU looked like a penis in a domino mask
Punisher (Thomas Jayne)- Mystique is NOT Mousey Joan, that's rubbish
Dick Tracy- o.k. it's bad, but now I've seen the Spirit
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: Turtles in Time- if only I was kidding
Over The Hedge- but I LIKE a cookie...
City Hunter- Jackie Chan rules, that's all I remember
Sheena- too gratuitous
Red Sonja- not gratuitous enough
Batman The Movie- shark repellant is better than Kryptonian dead-beat dad
A Charlie Brown Christmas- is it too schmaltzy? watch those kids dance- be heartwarmed
American Splendor (this is the mid-point, evoking neither positive nor negative emotion)
Batman Returns- Christoher Walken notwithstanding
Annie- arrgh
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (the secret is Vanilla Ice)
The Crow II: City of Angels- don't know if it's good, but Kirk & Kayla fell in love
Blade II- Danny John Jules notwithstanding
Batman & Robin- Ahhnold notwithstanding
Superman Returns- only Spacey & Posey got this thing above Garfield
Garfield- how did this go wrong?
Captain America (1991)- Red Skull is not Italian. Sweet Christmas!
Sin City- ehh
The Shadow- blehh
The Crow- shmehh
Road To Perdition- there's nothing wrong with this. I'm mental.
League of Extraordinary Gentlemen- bleckk
Captain America II: Death Too Soon- no, not too soon at all
Ghost World- oh, come on, it's sooooo tedious
The Guyver- Mark Hamill was the Joker in cartoons. He's good in them. Don't watch this.
Spawn- lord, beer me strength
The Spirit- oh lordyloo
Archie: To Riverdale & Back Again- wrong, wrong, wrong
Dennis the Menace- is better than...
300- 300 is how gay it is on a scale of 1 to 10
Barb Wire- this may actually be the worst movie of ANY kind

Up next: Comics into T.V. and Direct-To-Video and stuff I couldn't bring myself to watch

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