My Favourite Characters: Captain Crash

Superheroes tend to have code names. The closest Ralph Hinkley ever got was "Super Guy" or "Captain Gonzo". As you probably know or can recall hearing an old man jabbering about, Ralph was 'The Greatest American Hero' from 1981-1983.  When I was six he was the best. Ralph tried really hard and he crashed into things... a lot! In my early 20s, GAH became synonymous with making rash purchases based on nostalgia. One of my first complete season DVD acquisitions... turned into bitter disappointment. My arrogant opinion back then: the show was bland, only sporadically funny, hellishly repetitive, and inconsequential.

Trying again is what a superhero is all about, so when all it was costing me was time and my sanity... I watched all 44 hour-long episodes on YouTube. And (much like using a powerful alien spacesuit when you've lost the instructions), I CANNOT recommend it. GAH is a phenomenal concept, executed by well-meaning people, and it was NEVER intended to be shotgunned in this way. I got SO bored during season 2 that I tried screening 4 episodes at once on all 4 devices at my disposal- TV, laptop, iPad, and iPhone. Does this count? Was I even following the story at that point? Don't Care! I finally watched it, and I'm never doing it again. Until next time.

With the assistance of mysterious alien voices on the radio, snarling FBI agent Bill, and long, long, LONG suffering girlfriend Pam, Ralph overcomes adversity, often caused by his own inability with his abilities. He breaks his own home, and doors, and friends. His ESP has him wearing women's clothes and reacting to things that aren't there. His invisibility is unreliable and his shrinking is pretty damn unconvincing. He flies as low as he dares and as rarely as he can. He ends up looking silly all the time, and would rather not be caught dead in his own magic jammies. But he can always shrug it off. Ralph's a teacher, and from Ralph I learned something valuable: I will fail. I will look ridiculous. And I will not stop trying even when the payoff is mediocre. Here's to ordinary people who help others- especially if the only cost is your dignity.

RIP Leonard Nimoy

(Illustration credit Paul Hanley)

I never met Leonard Nimoy, but his work had a powerful influence in my life. I am saddened by his passing, and I have to add my small element of gratitude to the outpouring of tributes I'm seeing online. As Star Trek's Mr. Spock, Mr. Nimoy was a touchstone for all nerd culture. In my mind, his voice is the very voice of reason. A passionate heart guided by a disciplined mind. I have no doubt whatsoever that he will be remembered for centuries.

Writer, director, musician, artist, and actor, he was most inspirational. There are depths to the person that I will never know, but the character I loved and will always love.
We outsiders needed Spock, and we loved him. For bringing that eerily alien yet so-familiar human being to us all, especially to me, I am sincerely grateful.

TV Review: LEXX

In terms of SF Comedy where a low-ranking slacker, a re-animated dead guy, a libidinous part-animal creature, and a fussy, broken robot wander a universe devoid of humanity in an empty spaceship 10,000 meters long there is only one work of timeless, extraordinary genius-- Red Dwarf.

Also, starting in 1997, LEXX was on!

Brought to you by two countries that know a little something about side-splitting humour and atrocity, Germany and my own native land, Canada, created a hot little mess of program I never hear anybody talking about.
And I watched all four seasons just for YOU! Well, you and boobs. Yes, there are a couple of boobs, plus some bums also.

The series fits no single category I know: Grand Guignol? Erotic Satire? Dystopian Musical? Sociopath Date Movie? It features the epic, 4000 year quest of repugnant, self-serving Security Guard Class 4 Stanley H. Tweedle to find meals and sex while trying not to be eaten or screwed over. Through no effort of his own, Stan is thrown together with Xev Bellringer (a truculent women raised in a "Wife Bank" and accidentally given the powers of a voracious giant lizard), Kai (last of a noble race who defied the unspeakable oligarchy of His Divine Shadow and was punished with eternal servitude as an unstoppable zombie assassin), and (last and least) 790, a severed head with an all-enveloping snark and an all-consuming passion. Speaking of "all-consuming", these troubled... people, I suppose, live inside the stolen command ship of His Divine Shadow, a giant, living, not-too-bright space dragonfly that is always very hungry and loves to destroy a lot of planets.

To sum up, Season 1 is 3 great movies and a 4th so-so movie that throws the crew together, defines their messed-up, so-called "Light Universe", and pits evil against... somewhat less evil. Season 2 is too long and repetitive to be endured in the now-popular "binge watching" approach but basically features the inverse of the Star Trek away team "seeking out new lays in new civilizations where the girls and boys are not too picky or hung up on physical attractiveness or strength of character" every single planet of which ends up obliterated by a self-replicating, galaxy-sized swarm of worker drone arms. Season 3 picks up as LEXX explores the flawed workings and horrible secrets of twin planets Fire and Water. Season 4 finds them in the Darkest depths of the Dark Zone, orbiting the barren single moon of a primitive little Type 13 planet months away from self-destruction by the combined efforts of goths, fairies, geeks, a vampire, a mummy, a demon, several corrupt government agencies, reality TV, Newfoundland, and an asteroid crammed full of scuttling cyborg carrots hell-bent on jumping up everyone's butts. For good or for ill, there has never been another show like this.

Maybe LEXX is the weird inbred cousin the sci-fi family never talks about, and maybe I wouldn't revisit it very often, but in my current mood it hit a certain nostalgic "Who-Gives-A-Shit" button for me. And even though I really, REALLY shouldn't... I liked it.

The moral of the story, if LEXX can be said to have anything resembling a moral, is this: you may think your life sucks-- but (just like most people, things and people-things) life could always suck harder.

Jupiter Ascending

Life being what it is, there are plenty of folks in dire circumstances. My own situation has been (as someone from China apparently said) "Interesting Times" lately. So you may take what I say with all the grains of salt on the moon of Io.

But Jupiter Ascending is a kick-ass romantic adventure and it's totally worth your time!

Whether it's worth your cash depends on your high level of tolerance for gorgeous, possibly extraneous amounts of lasers, space opera cliche, and handsome people saying ridiculous things betwixt explosions.

It's about Russian-Chicagoan janitor Jupiter Jones who discovers she is royal genetic heir to the Earth, which planet turns out to be a commodity the One Percent of the Galaxy are eager to begin fracking. Also Channing Tatum comes to her rescue a lot as Timber Wolf from the Legion of Super-Heroes with his handy-dandy rocket boots.

The poster says "Last Starfighter", Michael "Speed Racer" Giacchino's bombastic music says "Star Trek 2009", and the universe of partly Animal-Men (including D&D-style dragon men in leather jackets) says "Flash Gordon". It's not ground-breakingly feminist although it does pass the Bechdel test (I mean, seriously, Jupiter has to be rescued at the last minute from a loveless space marriage, but she does physically save her own space bacon more than I could). This popcorn flick is no "Guardians of the Galaxy", but it's a darn sight more fun than "Man of Steel" or "John Carter". And speaking of popcorn flicks, dire circumstances, and interstellar greed- $15 is officially nutballs for a salty corn bag and soda.

TV Review: Star Wars Rebels

Because I am secretly 12 years old in a 38-year-old body, I watch an inappropriate amount of the Disney XD channel. The Phineas and Ferb Star Wars Crossover got me hooked on that delightful little formulaic gem, while in recent days I've enjoyed a cartoon that needs none of my hype: Star Wars Rebels.

Think of SW:R as a dumbed-down Firefly for kids, but then again there are lots of times I hate using my vaunted brain and just want brightly coloured people and toys to run in circles and explode.

Plus I think executive producer Dave Filoni and Co. could do a lot worse than the highly creative Ralph McQuarrie art design for the setting: 5-years before Star Wars: A New Hope. Did I ever mention that I'm fond of Star Wars?

The tramp freighter Ghost is mobile home to a small assortment of brightly coloured space wizards who "redistribute" weapons and adorable Wookie slaves in opposition to the oppressive laws of the Evil Galactic Empire. Please do not pirate the DVDs.

My favourite episode of those aired so far was "Droids in Distress" by Greg "Snapper Carr" Weisman, producer and former writer on Kim Possible. It had some of everything: humour, lasers, great voice cast, appealing animation, Anthony "Never Not C-3PO" Daniels, and the robot bus driver from my favourite Disney attraction; Star Tours.

Anyway, since you're not already over-saturated with TV, you might like it. If you're twelve. Or slightly older.

Comic Review: Bitch Planet issue #1

Am I woman enough for Bitch Planet?

Well, I DO love sci-fi, Kelly Sue (Captain Marvel) DeConnick, and big naked ladies. So... Issue #1... Win!

What's it all about? An abusive patriarchy on Earth is exiling females to an
exo planet for "Non Compliance". Kind of "Orange is the New Black Hole".
Also, this is a reality show, maybe? Anyway, it's a heckuvan intriguing start.

If it's not clear from the incendiary title, this Image Comic is for mature readers, but they let ME have one for Three-Fiddy anyway! Valentine De Landro's art is stark and striking for a grim-looking future setting.

It's a weird sort of exodus, these outcast gals into the big black. Radicals and killers, volunteers (!?!) and, from context, very likely enthusiastic clerical errors. Who put this madness together... and why? "Caged and Enraged!" blares the cover. Is it all about grindhouse and the male gaze, or is it possible one might be better off getting light years away from the Planet of the Dicks?

Penny Rolle and Kamai Kogo are exciting protagonists, there is much mystery in the set-up, and one of the douchebag dudes pulling the strings is named Schiti. Tee hee! Can't wait to see what's brewing next month. A crossover title for the feminist and the discount old pervert alike. Make mine bitchy!

TV Review: Roughnecks Starship Troopers Chronicles

Ask not what your late '90's CGI military SF series can do for YOU...

Engaged in the obsessive goal of reading and watching everything Robert Heinlein spawned (even peripherally), I was excited to find "Roughnecks Starship Troopers Chronicles" on DVD at the used bookstore Wee Book Inn. And I finally finished watching it today, only 15 years late to the battlefront. One season with a gluttonous 36 episodes- not counting a whopping FOUR clip shows. Sweet Christmas, talk about overkill!

Entrenched in day 43 of the Interstellar Bug War, the space marines of SICON have seized and maintained a firm hold on Uncanny Valley. Seen here is psi-talented trooper Carl Jenkins, overcome with childlike glee...

Oh, my mistake, that's a Cybernetic Humanoid Assault System, or CHAS. This robot character was featured in the best episode of the series- "Of Flesh and Steel", making the ultimate sacrifice for the salvation of all Non-Bug-Kind...

No, sorry, right the first time. THIS is CHAS. That dead-eyed hobgoblin up there was Carl, all right.

Stiff, wooden, creatures from hell (and their foes, the bugs of Klendathu) battle across simulated ice, "water", jungle, and desert with all the sex and violence available to the impressionable North American youth of 1999 at 6 AM on a Saturday.

But, to its credit, this series is actually the first Starship Troopers product to fulfill my twisted desire for chronological completeness by finally mentioning that (in this flat little dimension at least) Rico and chums signed up to stomp arachnids in 2078. If only this trivia made the series better. O.K., so the campaigns have their moments... usually taken word-for-word from the first movie.

Wee Book will get this one back... if they are unwary enough to take it! Final Score from best to worst: ST the movie, ST: Invasion, ST the book, ST3, ST2, and, in fairness, I haven't found the eighties era anime adaptation yet, but it CAN'T possibly be worse than ST2.

The best I can say is that all the folks behind this forgettable, humourless toon were probably killing themselves making so much with so little. "Reboot" had it beat all hollow, but for someone with helmet-mounted nostalgia goggles on, it's probably fine... in teeny, tiny, firefry-sized doses.