Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Movie Review: The Dr. Goldfoot Duology

I think sometimes I have to be hit over the head with things other people find hurtfully obvious.

Case in point: would you watch a movie called 'Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine'?
Sadly, I answered yes.

Now, having not really enjoyed that, would you watch the sequel 'Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs'?
Sadly, I answered yes again.

I mean, have you SEEN the TV schedule?  With all the gazillions of returning & brand-new shows, where's a fixated guy like me supposed to find some TV sci-fi?  Oh, Stargate Universe is DAYS away!  NO, not Smallville! It's not sci-fi! It's barely a show!  (Yes, I'll still watch it.)

So, yesterday I endured Vincent Price's two worst movies.  Probably.

My copy of Videohound's Sci-Fi Experience rated the first one 'two bones' and called it 'harmless fun'.  That might be high praise, but yes, if you found the delightful sixties-era 'Carry On' movies FAR too stimulating either intellectually or physically, perhaps this is the 'comedy' for you.  

Mincing looney Goldfoot sends fembots out to bilk rich bachelors out of their dough while hapless spy Frankie Avalon fails to break into song. (I read it was almost a musical which couldn't possibly have hurt.  Only the catchy title theme remains.) It lurches between illogical sci-fi, goofy horror, and dopey 'laffs'.  Director Roger Corman isn't really a master of subtlety, but... what the hell, it's not the worst thing I've ever seen.  Which also, unfortunately, tells you a lot about ME.

Now, on the other hand, there is such a MARKED DECREASE in quality in the second one that I had a hard time believing anyone involved was even making the same movie as anyone else.

If 'Bikini Machine' is dumb fun then 'Girl Bombs' must rank among the top thirty human atrocities.  Even if, like me, you are the sort of masochist who'll watch things BECAUSE they are reputed to be terrible, DO NOT see this movie.  Easy enough, since the only DVD release is the Italian version.  WHICH YOU ALSO SHOULD NOT SEE.  So I hear.  Awful dubbing, very dull sound.  No laughs of ANY kind, nothing beyond the swimsuit-clad stalwarts to hold male interest, and the stupidest lead duo I can now imagine.  Apparently they were the Jerry Lewises of Italy.  To me? Unwatchable excrescences.
And yet I can't find it in my heart to blame Vincent Price.  That dude can sit with his dignity (more or less) intact atop a flaming dung heap.

Please don't suck this year, Stargate. You're all I've got left.

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