Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Captain Complainy: Not Gay Enough for Smallville

Brace yourselves, people. A show I really care about is on its deathbed and I'm just lashing out at everything today! Lashing out at things that don't deserve to live.
Why are there TEN SEASONS OF SMALLVILLE?!!!
Or when I asked myself another way, HOW many episodes have I enjoyed? In TEN YEARS?
How many were GOOD for me?
There were some cool tornado effects at the end of a first season of lacklustre meteor-freak of the week.
"Rosetta" is season two had, oh, around 5 minutes of sweetness when Dr. Virgil Swan tells Clark his origin. Finally! Krypton! Space! So, can we stop saying 'green meteor rock' now?

Also, damn. Thank you for 5 minutes with an Actor. I almost forgot what they were like. (with apologies to Michael Rosenbaum, John Schneider, Annette O'Toole, and John Glover)
Thanks again, Season 3 for "Perry" as it featured a heck of a great effects shot of a thrown tractor, and a heck of a great guy, Michael McKean. This guy needs to thank God for a sexy wife (see: Annette O'Toole).
Also, I have a sexy wife. Just sayin'.
Season Four offered about 6 seconds of really keen effects of Bart Allen running. And about 70 thousand hours of who gives-a-crap with the witchy Teagues.
And is it wrong that in all of Season 5, an ENTIRE season with everything it had to offer, all I can recall with fondness was Lois' shower scene?Thanks, Erica Durance.
Also, I have a sexy wife. Gotta cover my ass here.
Seriously. And Brainiac stands for Brain Inter Active Construct? Jay-sus, Mary, and Rao, WHY the HELL did they make that into an acronym? And HOW could it spell something in ENGLISH? I CAN'T believe I still get angry about this, but Kryptonian wing-dings... Earth letters... I type it into my head computer and it just keeps spewing nonsense! Brainiac is either an alien proper name or an alien title of veneration depending on which comic you look at, and making it an acronym is JUST CRACK-BRAINED!
Oh, Angry Tangents, where would I be without you?
Writing something of value myself?
Nah. Too lazy.
Season 6 had a redeeming factor besides Mack and Durance.
Season 6 had Green Arrow, and depite the 'cool' sunglasses and hoodie, (why do they shy away from capes, domino masks, and tights? Criminey!) Justin Hartley has the capacity to seem like a superhero.
Season... oh, why do I give a crap? It just goes on and on! Every year as more limbs are shot off (Pa Kent, Ma Kent, Lionel, Lex) this show still can't be stopped from shambling onward. At least Lana used to be there to drag the whole proceedings to a grinding halt in her bitter morass of self-pity... Wait, I meant Thank Krypto, Streaky, Beppo and all the Super-Pets up there in the sky that she's gone.
I keep lapsing into sighs whenever I think about this show. If only I was gay... I think it might better help me tolerate Tom Welling and his emo plodding through year after uneventful year. A block of wood in a red shirt and blue pants (or, nowadays, a Punisher costume???), delivering dull as dishwater dialogue, meaningless mutterings, about 5 seconds of something action-y or special-effecty, then more foot-shuffling and mumbling under a contemporary 'heart-felt' montage. Generally on the subject: 'I wish I wasn't so handsome and god-like. With all these powers and abilities and general splendidness I could have any woman... or man on the globe. I'd better not crack a smile or wear bright colors or do anything fun. People might start to think I was Superman.
And yet Defying Gravity GOT ONE MEASLY SEASON.
Screw you, TV!
I'm just mad, TV, you know I'd never leave you.

1 comment:

Trish van Doornum said...

You knew I'd be reading didn't you? Way to cover your ass and I love you very much!