TV Review: Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends

For normal reasons, I've spent some time over the last two weeks watching a cartoon which apparently aired on NBC Saturday mornings 1981-1983: Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends. Or SMAHAF as the kids are never calling it these days.

Featuring the voices of Dan "Spidey" Gilvezan, Frank "Iceman" Welker, and introducing Kathy "Firestar" Garver. No, not Starfire, the Teen Titan! Wrong company. You tryin' ta get us sued? FIRESTAR! The Girl Who Was on Fire Class of 1981. Take that, Katniss!

Unable to use the Human Torch for the usual overwrought reasons ("My kids always douse themselves in gasoline and dive off the roof!") Peter Parker conveniently found a team-mate with BFF Johnny Storm's firepower plus the looks of Mary Jane. Talk about your amazing friend!

Although, in fairness, neither John Storm nor Mary Jane Watson may exist in what is now known to the Intelligentsia (I mean, the Hyper-Nerds) as Marvel Universe 8107. The cartoon dimension's rules only apply to itself, not the continuity of the mainstream comics (Universe 616, don't cha know).

It's a universe where Wolverine hails from Down Unda, where mutants glow and men chunda. Where Aunt May's boarding house is crammed full of secret, load-bearing escape tunnels and Tony Stark's donated super-computers. Possibly "on loan from Tony Stark" is also the reason The Chameleon has his own island, mansion, and swimming pool filled with alcohol (not for himself, you understand, but to trap and ignite the Sub-Mariner).

And the awards go to:

LEAST FAVOURITE EPISODE: 'Swarm'. See MOST IRRITATING NEW VILLAIN.

FAVOURITE EPISODE: 'The Origin of The Spider-Friends'. Has it all. Narrator Stan Lee. William Marshall as Iron Man. Bobby 'Iceman' Drake and Angelica 'Firestar' Jones holding handshakes uncomfortably long just to make Peter think he's feverish with chills.  And the Beetle: rocking the craziest voice in the world.

HONORABLE MENTION: 'Spidey Meets The Girl From Tomorrow'. This sweetly romantic little episode wants SO BADLY to be Silver Age DC Legion of Super-Heroes. Perhaps even more so than the subsequent episode: where the villain is clearly the Legion's cyborg enemy Tharok.

BEST SEASON: Season 2 is a mere 3 episodes long, and entirely made of origin stories, but the animation is markedly better. Spider-Friends GO FOR IT! (Actual catch-phrase.)

MOST IRRITATING NEW VILLAIN: Swarm. The 1950's-style alien insect invader smart enough to enslave a college campus but not smart enough to say anything but its own name. Over and over.

MOST IRRITATING NEW HERO: Francis "Wishing I Was Woody Allen" Byte AKA Videoman. News Flash: Playing Pac-Man and involuntarily transforming into an 8-Bit paper-thin goblin doth not a super-hero make.  Even if you do end up at the Xavier Academy despite no evidence that you are a mutant.

GREATEST BREAKOUT STAR: Ms. Lion. Angelica's Lhasa Apso, fobbed off on Aunt May the same way Videoman is fobbed off on Professor X. Ms. Lion saved the lives of her superhero pals several times over, despite being a lapdog of average intelligence. The puppy even outshines the All-Seeing Eye of the Vishanti, which in any normal dimension would prevent Sorcerer Supreme Dr. Strange from being duped. Ms. Lion, 30 years later, is a beloved member of the Pet Avengers, successfully making the transition from cartoon back to the comics that inspired it. Just like Firestar did! Except Firestar's in the actual Avengers. Not the Pet Avengers.  The Pet Avengers are PETS. Just saying.

Speaking of amazing, I gotta say I'm loving Netflix. Real life has never been so avoidable.

What The... What?

She-Hulk. Gorgeous. Hella strong. Wicked sense of humor. Write her seriously at your own peril: her best superpower is her defiance of pessimism. Write her as a monster at your own peril: at heart she's just a good little girl who never let herself dance.

I wanted to call this last post of She-Hulk week "Whither Shulkie?" for added classiness, but experience tells me it'll probably be more like "wither". Lately I just can't afford to keep up with comics. Was "The Last Defenders" good? Or "Savage She-Hulks #1"? Maybe "Girl Comics #1"? I dunno yet. I think Jen Walters is fairly likely to disappear: but then again, you can't REALLY kill a superhero unless you wound the concept so badly everyone loses interest and stops buying it.

Media exposure might help, although Shulkie on TV is sparse and embarrassing ('Enter The She-Hulk' might be a stellar porno title, but the cartoon is just NOT as fun as it sounds). In fact, the TV She-Hulk to beat so far is the 1981 Benny Hill sketch and the Dan Slott-penned 'The Cure' episode of 'Fantastic Four: World's Greatest Heroes'. The latter is not only notable as Jenny's best TV showcase so far, but also the best TV appearance of Squirrel Girl, auditioning for the mighty Fantastic Four.

Maybe it's high time for a She-Hulk live-action MOVIE. There are, however, some minor stumbling blocks. Like, in my buddy Ron's words: 'Unfilmable', 'Impossible', and I'm pretty sure he said 'Garbage' at one point there. For my part, I see three obstacles:

1. Please, Internet, STOP saying Megan Fox for She-Hulk! I need you thinking less Vapid, more Clever and Funny. Think Zooey Deschanel on the one side of thirty, Tina Fey on the other, with the reminder that Jen Walters has usually been depicted in her thirties, and that Shulkie should probably be CG rather than human, crafted by the horniest artists our decadent society has to offer. Think Sigourney Weaver's Na'vi Avatar only curvier, and obviously, more green.

2. Don't just throw it together- have a damn script first. Don't filter it through a committee. Too many cooks and all that. Dear lords of Hollywood, spare the children from any more 'Catwoman', 'Elektra' or 'Superman Returns'!

3. Don't make the mistake nearly EVERY writer who tells a 'Savage She-Hulk' story seems to make. This IS a superhero comic, BUT IT IS NOT AN ACTION FLICK. Not foremost. She-Hulk is first and foremost a ROMANTIC COMEDY. That's what makes it unique. That's the genre where it pops. On paper...

Add those three points together and you've got a box office risk so big it will almost certainly never be taken. Right, Nick Cage? Right, Disney? Huh? I double dare you...?

I will, as usual, have to content myself with 'Iron Man 2' and MAYBE, SOMEDAY, FINALLY a She-Hulk feature-length cartoon? I just beg for one more like Gail Simone's 'Wonder Woman' than the most recent sucktacular 'Dr. Strange' flick or whatever. Sorry, Marvelites.

And speaking of Wonder Women, I figured out the answer to the question I posed myself on Monday: Why is the She-Hulk my favorite over the likes of Silver Surfer or Mary Marvel? I like so many of these great and good bastions of four-color righteousness, I do, and I guess it's because they are pure in heart. She-Hulk is many things. But I wouldn't call her pure!
And who IS, really? We WANT to be. We often TRY to be. But few of us get to be grown-ups without some tarnish. And although, say, Wonder Woman is a great heroine, (and in the William Moulton Marston 1940's characterization was even a little kinky; making with the bondage games) I've got to side with the She-Hulk for having the edge in... naughtiness.

To that end, if I may, next week (or quite soon) I'll post my amateurish 2003 opus "Untold Tales of She-Hulk" over at deviantart.com It's a sort of women-in-prison sexploitation romp, may John Byrne forgive me. The Comics Code Authority surely would- it's approximately as tame as Marsten's stuff, I think. And, hopefully, as fun. Remember: "DON'T MAKE SHOWERING SHE-HULK ANGRY..."
Speaking of forgiveness, a smart husband would probably keep 'The Other Woman' on the down-low. I'm not sure what kind of husband that makes ME... But, hey, don't worry, Sweetness! She-Hulk's only real in some other Dimension! There's no need to turn Green with envy... unless... Wait! That might be GOOD!
As ever, for my flesh-and-blood Giantess. Thank you thirty billion times, luv, for marrying me despite my glaringly obvious character flaws.

My Favoririte Characters: True Blue

My suffering is rooted in desire. Desire to own and play Star Trek Online, released last week. But it's going to cost me. Time. And money. And that's AFTER I buy it.
Meanwhile, speaking of Star Trek characters, I bring you Pava Ek'noor sh'Aqabaa. Brought to life in 1997 by Chris Cooper, Chris Renaud, and Andy Lanning for Marvel's late, (lamented?) and unfinished Star Trek: Starfleet Academy comic book, Pava was invented as a supporting character in the Academy life of Deep Space Nine's loveable Ferengi Cadet Nog. The Andorian lady cadet was later co-opted into the Star Trek: Titan series of novels. She's still serving under Captain Riker... only not serving under him the way his wife Troi does. Presumably.
Plotwise, Pava is not much more than the guy who stands at the transporter going 'energizing, sir', but that's how Miles O'Brien started out, too. And Worf, come to that. Frankly, I LIKE the little guy. Not that Pava should be described as little. She's BIG. And blue. Like the Tick, but less crazed. She's quick with a quip, fierce to her foes, loyal to her friends, embarrassed by her mother (a holo-romance writer), and with a heart as big as the Alpha Quadrant beating in her big blue bosom for the bad boy Klingon Kovold. (Not only was their relationship doomed from the get-go, he killed her friend and she had to swear vengeance!)
Ahh, it was during the Dominion War, everybody was a little intense there for a while.
Her future on Titan is uncertain: struck down, seemingly comatose. Will she be killed for dramatic purposes? No matter what happens next, (if anything) Pava was bright spot of levity while Star Trek was spiralling down into darkness and obscurity. Damn you to Sto'Vo'Kor, 'Star Trek: Nemesis' et al!
Seriously, I'm jonesing for Star Trek Online. Is it any good?

Ultimatum will Stand the Test of Time... At Sucking

Ugh. O.K. So, I'm not the first to read it, dislike it, or review it. I wouldn't even have read it this week if not for Linkara, who is planning to do a (probably) much funnier video critique quite soon. But it wasted MY time, and in turn I will waste yours.
Ultimatum by Jeph Leob and David Finch is a crossover event touted as the "end" of the Ultimate Universe, a Marvel comic superhero world originally invented as a 'hot, young, trophy wife universe' for every hypothetical reader who wanted to read superhero comics (thanks to seeing the movie versions) but didn't have the time or balls to read 40 years of continuity. The Ultimate X-Men did well for a while, so did the Ultimate Spider-Man. (I'm proud to own all of U.S-M, Brian Bendis is a fine writer) But, all good things and stuff, so, ergo... this happened.
'Ultimatum' is very well drawn and deeply stupid. Spoliers now.
It's a senseless orgy of death and destruction, serving primarily to kill dozens of knock-off versions of superheros I mostly didn't care about one way or the other. Which, doubtless, is why it sold so well. And, doubtlessly, was exactly what the editors had asked for.
Magneto drowns millions in an instant, disaster covers the face of the earth, resulting in mayhem, explosions, eviserations, and so forth. Sounds fun, right?
But, what's it all in aid of, exactly? What are we left with? What can we take home?
Knock-Off Ben Grimm kills one culprit, Knock-Off Dr. Doom, in cold blood. Damn. Was that ever dumb. I was thinking not AN HOUR before reading this that mainstream superheroes like the Fantastic Four and Superman have so MUCH power that if they ever allowed themselves to kill they would become instantly unsympathetic.
And it's true. How do I like Ultimate Thing now? Ben's meant to be the idol of millions, not Wolverine. I'm personally baffled why Wolverine is anyone's idol. But... oh, that's it. His butt. Girls and some guys like his rump.
Pursuant to the notion that crossing the line to killer is death for my interest in a superhero character, if Ultimate Cyclops was going to blow Magneto's head off anyway, why bother explaining the secret origin of mutants to him?
Also, and I must ask this, what is ANYONE'S motive here?
Why does Ultimate Blob eat Ultimate Wasp? Was there no smashed-up deli within reach? The character wasn't a cannibal previously. The disaster is only HOURS old!
Why does Ultimate Hank blow himself up? Granted, it couldn't happen to a bigger douchebag, but suicide should have a motive, right?
And Ultimate Dormammu squeezes Ultimate Doctor Strange until his head pops like a zit. While grisly, the scene made so little impact on the plot that I had to turn the pages back to remember who got killed that way. And all I have left is the mystery of WHY.
Because it just amounts to a cavalcade of Killporn. It's like a death checklist where the only imagination goes into the shock value. 'How should we snuff Dazzler?' and so forth.
Jeph Loeb is better than this, I swear. He's no Heinlein, but he's better than this. As my friend Ron put it: he probably just held his nose and took the paycheck.
Bad as 'All-Star Batman'? You bet.
Bad as 'Countdown'? Nope. At least this didn't mess with the 'real' continuity, right?
I'm grasping for a silver lining in this cloud. No, no that's a death wave. My mistake.

Rudiments of Wisdom

A successful used bookstore jaunt netted me, among other things, a great title from the Marvel Max line: Paul Cornell's Rudiments of Wisdom trade paperback. I am a recent fan of this Hugo award nominated English author, I have enjoyed several of his Doctor Who novels including 'No Future'.
Pete Wisdom, a mutant ne'er-do-well previously featured in Warren Ellis' 'Pryde & Wisdom', is leads a team of occult-battling freaks called MI-13.
MI-13 includes the emo fairie daughter of Oberon, the clairvoyant Maureen Raven, crusty old Captain Midlands, and (my favorite) Skrull John (an alien Skrull in the form of John Lennon).
Pete and company begrudgingly protect England of the Marvel Universe from vicious fairies, nasty drunk dragons, sleeping giants, runaway dreams, you name it. This leads into another series I have begun to enjoy, 'Captain Britain and MI-13'. It's all old hat to comics fans by now, but Paul Cornell is fantastic and I dig the Englishness of this story. Heartily recommended!

Evocative Marvel Moments Part One

In this possible series of posts, honoring 70 years of Marvel Comics (sort of) I hope to elaborate on Marvel comics' finest, and/or most cringeworthy moments. This was inspired by reading Marvel's 70th Anniversary Collection, a trade paperback which, while pretty good, failed to include so many things (and The Thing) which I loved, even in their honorable mentions. I saw nothing about Mark Waid, Dan Slott, Jeph Loeb, Judd Winnick, Tom DeFalco, Brian Reed, Mike Weiringo, Matt Fraction, Spider-Girl, Franklin Richards Son of A Genius, Young Avengers, Runaways, the Great Lakes Avengers... oh, how the list goes on. No 1980's Byrne FF or 1990's She-Hulk? How do McFarlane, Liefeld and Jim Lee get honorable mentions? Yes, they were comic rockstars and they have enough money between them to buy and sell me a jillion times, but THE BEST OF THE DECADE? I'd buy representative, but not BEST. At least they reprinted Busiek's Marvels instead of X-Force #1. An honorable mention for the CLONE SAGA? And TWO Mark Millar shout outs and none for J. Michael Strazynski?

Well, maybe I have to start my own thing. In theory, it would list the most evocative moments of Marvel Superhero comics. That's anything that transcended the malaise and the middling. Moments of horror. The deepest miseries. The greatest triumphs. The tragedies. Joy, anger, creepiness, pathos, action sequences, absurdity, humanity, shock, sorrow, rage, greed, fear, willpower, hope, compassion, love. Whether it made me bust a gut or bust a nut. If it evoked an emotion, well, I wanna praise it. And sometimes condemn it. Cringing and wailing about something is an emotion, too.
I also hope to find THE PERFECT PAGE or THE PERFECT PANEL. Something that encapsulates a character or concept in a manner that approaches the sublime. I'll try it with DC and others also. Marvel's just happen to be the comics I feel most qualified to explore first.
And as my friend Ron pointed out, if I wait until I've assembled enough of them to be comprehensive I'll never do any of them.
And perhaps it goes without saying that such a post would, by it's very nature, be chock full of spoilers. So, you're warned.
That said, here's a warning from Doreen Green aka Squirrel Girl. This was the moment I realized I loved the Squirrel Girl and, through her, writer Dan Slott. (Illustrated by Paul Pelletier and Wholly Owned Batman! by Marvel Comics, it's Great Lakes Avengers Misassembled #2 from July 2005)

Doreen's warning consisted of a reminder from her pet squirrel Monkey Joe that uploading or downloading Marvel stories without their consent would allow them to sue me blind.
I'm banking on the fact that I have nothing, thus Marvel can hardly take it away.
Also perhaps on the notion that THE PERFECT PAGE or PERFECT PANEL is designed to PROMOTE their product and encourage others to want to buy them like little ol' me.
Of course, I could be wrong. And often am.

Squirrel Girl is completely in line with my opinions on this matter. Dark and moody dominate Marvel Comics in the 1970's, the 1990's and, well, now. So if I focus on the positive it's not because they don't have miseries (Sue Richard's miscarriage) or gore (zombie Bruce Banner's stomach distended with human bones the Hulk ate whole) or tragedies (the school explosion in Stamford). I hope that if such a moment affected me in any way that I will give it a moment in the sun.
Were you shocked when Byrne blew up MJ's plane?
Did you, like me, shiver to the very bones with the creepiness and the agonizing cliffhanger in Kevin Smith's 'Spider-Man/Black Cat:The Evil That Men Do' with Felicia helplessly facing an impending rape and... you know, I'm STILL worried about that! I NEVER finished reading that one! She's alive in Heroes for Hire, so I guess she got away, but- GEEZ! That wasn't a hold-your breath for a month cliffhanger. That was just AWFUL!
I think I'll still be shaking my impotent fist for years at the SHEER WRONGNESS of Genis-Vell, snapping his son's neck in his crib to stop him becoming a space tyrant. This was CAPTAIN BLOODY MARVEL! KILLING HIS OWN BABY! AFTER PLANNING IT FOR YEARS! He could have had a vasectomy! I... ARRRGH! And then surprise, surprise, it's tough to sympathize with a HERO LIKE THAT!
I thrilled to the kick-ass action sequences and dizzyingly good art in Avengers Disassembled.
I was horrified when Genosha was nuked.
I'm still chuckling to myself at the name Awesome Andy. It's been, like, six years now!
Civil War made Reed Richards a fascist and his wife Sue a moron. Livid with the red bile of hate pretty much covers my feelings about that.
And the clear, cool relief of somebody like Dwayne McDuffie who pens the words that set Reed and Sue to rights.
How many ambiguous ways can I feel about a guy like Hank Pym when everybody wrote him with a different agenda? Stan Lee's industrious, work-fixated but loveable shrinking lunkhead! Roy Thomas's hallucinating, gassed self-loathing nutjob? John Byrne's 'Let's Pretend I DIDN'T Hit My Wife BUT LOOK I'm still cool, I'm like Macguyver Ant-Man'? Kurt Busiek's repentant seeker on a spiritual journey of inner redemption. He actually GOT HANK AND JAN BACK TOGETHER! Chuck Austen's 'Fuck Redemption, Jan should bonk Hawkeye!'. Bendis's 'It might have all been Wanda's fault... nah, Hank and Jan are flawed people even when reality ISN'T being distorted'. Slott's current Hank- he's a nutjob all his own. Grieving madman, wildly creative, sensitive and appealing, but using his dead wife's name and robot double to keep him going. I wish I didn't care about Hank Pym. I wish he'd just gone supervillain or gotten killed or both. But every second writer tried to make him appealing. It's exhausting even trying to decide how to feel.
Waid's FF power swap, Whedon's Mutant Cure- concepts clever enough to steal for movies that should have been written by Whedon or Waid.
Can you even stand human garbage like Kirkman's Eric O'Grady?

ON HER BOYFRIEND'S GRAVE?!
Peter Parker and Jonah Jameson, yes, they're wearing chicken suits.
Look out, Ohio, here's Asgardian waste disposal at it's most neolithic.
I'll just shout Spider-Mobile until I turn red, then blue, then have dark webby veins like the cursed vehicle itself.
Marvel has a million moments and more to intrigue you (like a Ms. Marvel pin-up), tempt you (like Mephisto tempts Norrin Radd), and inspire you (like a Ms. Marvel pin-up).
Make Mine Marvel.

Trip down memory panel borders

I was ruminating about how I got into comics (as an adult, mind you) and the effect of comics on my life. I think the earliest comics I would have read would have been newspaper strips like Peanuts. This is probably true for many people. Garfield comic collections borrowed from the school library, and some poor sap's Richie Rich comics are part of dim recollection. I also recall a Goofy comic where Goofy dressed in long underwear and a sheet as 'Super-Goof'. I read Archies, reliable & unchanging no matter what the era (unless it's Archie vs. Punisher!). I ransacked the libraries to read Asterix. I loved the philosophers: Pogo, Opus, Hobbes (the tiger, of course), Bub Slug, Far Side, and finally Foxtrot. I might have been 8 when I read my first Star Wars comic (somebody else's?) It's the Marvel adventure I have somewhere in my collection again as an adult- Han and Chewie are trapped in a collapsing cave with rock-eating mites while the goons of a non-Huttese Jabba the Hutt are throwing themselves to their deaths in pursuit. It was pretty darn cool! But it would be years till I read other Star Wars comics- Marvel and their green rabbits, Shia Brie (cheesy!), Lando in a David Bowie wig, Wookieworld and the lot. The splendid Dark Horse stuff! Ah, Star Wars and comics. It's a visual extravaganza in a visual medium. I'm really glad to have read Tim Zahn's first trilogy as novels- but add the pictures and WATCH OUT! Also, I dare you not to love Tag & Bink are dead. But I digress.
I think I read my first Star Trek comic at 12, the Peter David Starfleet Academy annual, a flashback story with young Carol Marcus and Kirk's 'liason'. Oh, how my virgin heart fluttered for Carol Marcus covering herself with only a pillow! Also, naked transporter revenge on Finnegan. Funny, sexy stuff! So many Star Trek comics since then, and David's are really the top of the heap. I recommend Star Trek Countdown by the guys what brung us the 2009 flick. Also, I'm enjoying Ty Templeton's current Trek miniseries 'Mission's End'.
I think I first met Super-heroes, not counting Super-Goof, or Archie as Captain Pureheart (Braveheart? Ginger-Kid? I'm not sure...), or t.v. where I surely had already seen Spider-Man and before him Super-Grover, or probably Superman who I'd first seen? on the big screen in Superman III (so I was seven?). Anyway, on paper I vaguely decided my first superheroes were in 'The Infinity Gauntlet' which came out in 1991, so that actually makes me fourteen or fifteen, and reading them at some friends' house. Could I be thinking of Secret Wars? I think the sequence I recall is of hordes of ineffectual Marvel heroes hurling themselves at Thanos and his glove, so I'm guessing NO. But geez, 14? When I think now of all those precious years, over a decade without comics, well, brother, I just have to weep.
Cause comics are great!
I even wrote and drew my own comic space adventure "The Adventures of Lynn & Lynn" based on two astronomers I met on a class ski trip about age 14.
In answer to your unanswered question, no, it probably isn't very good, but I haven't had the heart to re-read it for nearly two decades. So maybe it will be cool again by now.
(No, no it won't.)
I also saw and loved Howard the Duck on video. No, I know it's nothing like the comic. I know almost everybody hates it. I love it all the more. It did not, sadly, lead me to the comics. It just strengthened my love of sci-fi, comedy, and George Lucas.
Anyway, it wasn't long till comics provided my first serious crush on a two dimensional lady, the Sensational She-Hulk as written and drawn by John Byrne. From about age 16 to the present day I have a semi-rewarding one-way love affair with a giant green superwoman whose beauty and humor are dependent on who's writing and drawing her. For example, She-Hulk via Byrne ushered me into an affection for the Fantastic Four that also lasts to the present day. She-Hulk also led me to the Avengers, after a fashion, but I only gave a rat crap because She-Hulk was nominally on the team, (not that you knew it from the art or writing).
And I'm sad to say that otherwise I gave up. Some combination of parental pressure, soon-to-be-quashed religious fervor, apathy, and teen alienation caused me to essentially give up on super-hero comics before I got to know them.
In my early twenties, thanks to my intellectual friend Kirk, I read the intellectually stimulating and ground-breaking comics that you apparently HAVE to read. Gaiman's Sandman, Moore's Watchmen, Speigelman's Maus, Ellis' Transmetropolitan among others. I also read the less intellectual Gen13 and DV8 for Caitlin Fairchild's prominent assets.
It was Chapters co-worker Diego who perhaps made it possible for me to sink my teeth into superhero comics again and not feel like the only one who was interested. Probably around age 22, he provided many examples of Marvel's cosmic side and awoke the Marvel Zombie within. The Silver Surfer, the MC2 Universe of Spider-Girl, Adam Warlock and his Infinity Watch (bringing me around to that purple guy with the jewel-encrusted gauntlet again!). Diego and I even collaborated on a comic we never completed that I imagine would have combined his powerful comic knowledge and clever mind with my mediocre art skills and affection for the absurd. 'Kray-Tor and the Infinity Watch'- we hardly knew ye!
The pump was primed. In short order, with no real girlfriend in my life to say me nay, I had acquired (I think the number was) 15 longboxes stuffed with old comics, over 90% Marvel, mostly bagged and boarded, mostly from used book stores, the flea market, and Leading Comics. Kurt Busiek's Thunderbolts and an Avengers run worthy of attention. David's astonishing 12 year run on the Hulk, as well as his Star Trek and anything else I could lay hands on with his or Byrne's name on. Fantastic Four, Alpha Flight, Next Men, even some Superman (I was insanely loyal to Marvel but, what the hell, it was Byrne).
Then some clever Marvel person began succeeding with Marvel movies and I made two other discoveries thanks to Spider-Man. Stan Lee and Brian Michael Bendis. The Essential black and white collections Marvel put out gave me a great affection for Stan Lee's dialouge in the 1961-1963 period, and the brand-new color exploits of a teen Ultimate Spidey from a modern world brought me into contact with the similarly appealing writing of Bendis. Maybe somebody else has done a better Spidey (Strazynski comes immediately to mind, then I remember how that all ended... and I STILL can't find it in my heart to blame JMS. In fact, I still think JMS could have done something that would have been remembered even longer than the mess 'One More Day' became- if he'd been allowed to continue depicting Spidey in growth and change instead of returning him to the static perpetual childhood that sells books).
The Marvel Essentials were my bread and butter for years. FF, Dr. Strange, Ant-Man, Howard the Duck, Avengers (it was Good in the early sixties, I swear!) anything Marvel cared to print I could now sort of afford, wondering what it would have looked like in garish color. This led to the quickly aborted attempt to color them in! Not even I had that much free time. I read the Tomb of Dracula, Thor, even finally began down that dark path that will forever dominate your destiny- the X-Men.
I bought trade paperbacks when I could, I bought and followed FF, Spidey, Exiles, some others.
My heart leaped with joy when Dan Slott revived my alluring She-Hulk and occasionally surpassed my nostalgia-sodden recollections of her past.
The Edmonton comic store Happy Harbor made the comic experience a treat beyond compare and I revived my comic writing and art with their 24 hour challenge in 2005. And ever since. Shop there, damnit. Even if you can only afford on comic a month. Even if you think you don't like comics. You do, I swear, you do! Or you will.
I thank Mark Waid and Alex Ross for Kingdom Come, whether I read it at 21 or probably re-read it in 2006. And I thank Devin, Carlos, Kim and Ron for making ever more DC comics available for me to read. How did I think myself satisfied with my existence before discovering the Legion of Super-Heroes? Any era, any writer or artist, I just adore that comic. It's a sci-fi team super-book space-opera dear to my heart and sometimes it seems like number one on my list. Certainly it killed forever any Marvel-only prejudice I had. Identity Crisis, 52, and Infinite Crisis rocked. Booster Gold is my household god. And now Green Lantern- o.k., maybe I'll never like Hal as much as Kyle, Guy, Kilowog, Jade, Mogo or Salaak, but hey, sixth best in a corps of 6200 isn't THAT bad. And Geoff Johns. What can I say about the guy I thought ruined She-Hulk in 'The Search for She-Hulk' but who brought us the utterly awful and logical killing of Max Lord by Wonder Woman, and who restored the GL Corps to awesome, brain-blasting brilliance. What can I say? He's great, that's what.
Marvel failed me with Exiles eventually: treating a trip to Earth 616 (twice in one year?) as a voyage home was the first time I remember feeling dissatisfied with a modern comic- and I still bought the book for two years!
Marvel screwed me over with 'One More Day' and I have not bought Spidey since (except Ultimate Spidey trades.) I swear not to buy it until continuity is restored. Even then I'm not sure what the point is without MJ.
MARK MILLAR IS STILL WRITING FF! Is this the Bizarro universe?
As of 2009, I buy only Booster Gold, Dr Who magazine, Ty Templeton's Star Trek, Mark Waid's Incredibles and I am seriously considering the Muppet Show comic, also from Boom! I read and loved the first three at work. They are splendid.
I'd be buying She-Hulk but somehow PETER DAVID couldn't make it funny or save it?
That still boggles my mind. How can PAD plus She-Hulk equal depressing and canceled? There's clearly a lot of factors I can't comprehend there. Also, I'm buying the She-Hulk Van Lente is writing, and while it's no Slott, it's not bad either. Marvel needs more multi-dimensional adventures with ARMOR, says I.
I try to buy trades when I have the cash. My shelves are very full, but these days my longboxes number only 5. Am I more discerning? Am I a bigger cheapskate? Is it all some pointless, money-drinking waste?
I think not. My 6 's'es of success will always bring me back: I'll always be into a story with sci-fi, super-heroes, sex appeal, sense of humor, surprises, and something new. Or at least new to me.

Have I mentioned I like comics? OH SPOILERS

Wonder Woman 'The Olympian' storyline by Gail Simone, loaned to me by Carlos. Very cool. That Genocide creature is one creepy thing. I like Tom Tresser, feeling bad for the poor guy now. Wonder Woman herself is quite likable, little more violent than I prefer, beheading Ares and all. She renounces (and punches) Zeus, but why should that mean she can't be an Amazon? She still values Athena, I assume, and the other goddesses (plus Mercury) who empowered her. Zeus wasn't the only god in the sea, and to be frank, he's ALWAYS been a jerk. Worshiping a pantheon means never having to be an atheist. This choice only makes sense if Diana is a monotheist. Like, if Jesus was being a big jerk, and the Pope socked him on the jaw, maybe the pope might decide to stand down. If hating Zeus meant you couldn't be an Amazon, there wouldn't be that many gals on Themyscira, right? Anyway, story's not over, drama's gotta be had, and I do really like Gail Simone's writing.
Green Lantern Corps by Peter Tomasi. I do so love Kyle and Guy as partners. And, surprisingly, Arisia & Sodam, too. I'm shuddering as the Guardians of the Universe grow more zealously unemotional! Sodam's sacrifice to save Daxam from Yellow Lanterns was tres cool. Very noble death. Too bad for a universe that thought having only ONE planet of insular Kryptonian-style xenophobes was one too many. Daxam & New Krypton- united in being unstoppable rage-fueled jerkwads! Cry 'Leibensraum!' next and let slip the flying, cape-wearing dogs of war! By which I mean Krypto. I think. Loved Guy's smart remarks about Blue Lanterns, Kyle and Soranik doin' it on the sly, and holy crap, Kryb's 'nursery'? Creepy as all hell. Geez, is that a real place? Hadn't some GL or Star Sapphire best go help those babies before they starve? Or hasn't Kryb told anyone where they are? Yurggh. I shudder. And... Sinestro claims to be Soranik's biological father. So the drama, she's fretting about it, of course, who wouldn't, but I'm thinking: can't she ask her parents if it's true? Or, as doctor with Green Lantern powers, why doesn't she do a DNA test? Why take his word as gospel and start fretting without any substantiation? For that matter, Sinestro says he tatooed her face years ago to prove the linkage. I guess she never gave a thought to how she woke up one day with a cheek tatoo, either? She just looked in the mirror, said 'huh. Cool.' and went back to taking her Korugarian SATs? She never tried to remove it before? I'm just being nit-picky here. As my friend Ron asserted, they're alien. I can't apply my attitudes to them without knowing their culture. Maybe they have taboos against DNA tests and maybe triangles sometimes appear on cheeks overnight. It's SCI-FI, baby! Anything can happen and in fact, that's the way I likes it! GL comics are constant excitement these days. All those freaky black rings pouring out of space toward Earth? Yeesgh! Maybe Alex Nero's long overdue but brutal execution will be a moot point real soon.
DANGER UNLIMITED by John Byrne- I read this collection of his very intriguing but short lived FF-style murder-mystery/time-travel/alien occupation/origin story, coupled with his sexy comedic 'Babe' stories, also cut down aborning. Dear Mr. Byrne- please revive them! Let me see those Xelerii jerks sent packin! Mistaken identities and lovely giant ladies with costume malfunctions are timeless, and let's face it, dear to my heart. Who's with me?
DARK REIGN by Bendis et al. It's suitably creepy. My minor beefs are with Mockingbird who is upbeat, rarin' to go, 'lemme-at-em-coach' in New Avengers and 'dire-cold-tortured-bitch-with guns' in Avengers Reunion. I guess they're happening at different times, but I must say I prefer the former. In a world where the strongest Avengers are the asshole killers we should have gals who can weather alien abduction and all the worst, but still be eager and optimistic. I admit, it might be unrealistic, I sure wouldn't be turning cartwheels in her place. But, to hell with realistic. She should be grateful to be on Earth, alive, and not a zombie or a Black Lantern. Yeurrgh.
The other beef is Brother Voodoo, Sorceror Supreme. Hmm. O.K. So Bendis made Power Man cool, he can do it for Brother Voodoo, I've no doubt. But... well, I'd rather have Steven Strange back. Not a racist thing.. I'd just rather have a relatively sane well-trained guy holding reality together. Not a dude who argues with his dead brother. Why would the Ancient One bring in a rookie when all hell is breaking loose? Jennifer Hale survived Marvel Zombies 3 ( I think). And Clea's still alive, right? Even Wiccan might be better... hmm, all whitey. No, I maintain that sanity is my standard here, not color. If the Ancient One wanted to pick a kook, I'll bet Wanda's still kicking around Transia or Genosha bein' all wonky. I guess we'll learn to like a chicken-feet wearing guy named Drumm. Or he'll die all pointless and horrible like Bill Foster. Only Your Bendis knows for sure.
AGENTS OF ATLAS-by Jeff Parker. These are brilliant stories with super art. Just really look forward to them and I have to gush. Freaky monster-men with good hearts slaying the beast from the inside. I just doff my hat to them. And to my buds Devin & Kim: I'm o.k. with Namor doing the nasty with Namora- they are not related! They never have been! Cousin by adoption as an adult is not blood relation or even raised together. Plus they're both mutants- if they had a kid it could probably have wings on every joint of its body! Assuming that was a good thing... probably not. Never mind.
MARVEL ADVENTURES (or anything else) by Paul Tobin- I like this guy! Those Iron Man, Spidey, Hulk team-ups are hi-larious! These need to be remembered. If only for Kang showing up to get revenge on the loveable trio before they've even met him- and shouting about how they destroyed his potato chip factory! And there's Hulk perpetually crunching chips in the background. Or before that, those Stone Men from Saturn-offshoot rock aliens who love extreme sports and force Tony Stark to do Kree karaoke. I laughed out loud. Kudos and great praise be heaped upon thee, Paul Tobin.

Raging Bullpen

I'm in the midst of the concert performances of Randy Mueller's "Dream King". It seems to be going o.k. I include here the text of a letter I e-mailed to the fine folks at Marvel comics' Spider office. As one who knows me might imagine, it's full of complainy. Enjoy. Or not.

Hiya, Mike McDevitt here.
This is my second letter to a comic. Because of fine writers and artists, an emphasis on sci-fi and comedy, and another factor, Marvel remains a cut above the competition in my view. Don't lose 'em! You see, I'm not sure I can take this lately. Millar's Reed Richards a fascist only McDuffie could redeem? David's writing a She-Hulk without a sense of humor? Strazynski's Spider-Man regressing instead of growing? A Spidey who deals with the devil? HEROES DON'T LET THE DEVIL WIN, GODDAMMIT! The Other & One More Day storylines (brilliantly written tales of love and death), left the bitter taste of Cop-Out which smacks of a DC-style reboot. I don't want another Heroes Reborn, do you?
C'mon! Pete without scars, experiences, and all that pesky True Love holding him back? F@#% THAT S***! I don't want young, single, seventies Spidey! Ultimate Spider-Man is top-notch for the young and young-at-heart. Ditto Marvel Adventures for the younger still. Let the Ultimate Universe be the trophy wife, and let the good ol' Marvel U KEEP GROWING UP! BE BRAVE. Be the first mainstream comic with heroes turning 30...40...50! Tell the titanic tale of Pete Parker's Prostate! Maybe not. But you limit the scope of your medium pandering only to the young and emotionally retarded. JMS tripled sales? But how? My guess is some of us liked the maturing Spidey. Pete had a birthday in one of those issues. It was a gem. It moved me and I faced my own 30th better after it. By behaving like an adult, Spidey helped ME in MY REAL LIFE.
I get it. I do. You hit a dilemma: young's been done and old won't sell. Steve Wacker's "old men in capes with girlfriends and permanent smiles" [I meant the DC superheroes. Mike 2009] are looking more appealing all the time because I'M HEADED THERE MYSELF. Except the cape...so far. The moral seems to be if being honest about who you are and having a family is too difficult, you should trade them away. Become a closeted, lawbreaking, layabout mooching off your aunt! That's the opposite of the Peter I want to admire and emulate. Still, Slott convinced me to stop baying for Aunt May's blood by having her working to be heroic. I enjoy it when (as in Hudlin's 'Wild Blue Yonder') May can save the day just by talking. It IS better for May and MJ not to revolve only around Pete. Still, we played "MJ and Pete break up" before and I hate it. Fix it. They should be together. Successful comic marriages are SO DAMN RARE.
Oh, hell, I can't stay mad at you guys! I'm buying anything Slott writes, aren't I? That McNiven draws good, too. And give PAD & JMS & BMB big kisses from me! Eye poke whoever up there thinks your characters shouldn't KEEP GROWING. (Except that 'Franklin Richards: Son of a Genius' which is pleasantly timeless, and that delightful 'Wolverine' who inspires all those shut-ins and nutcases.)
MAKE MINE MARVEL!
[Probably for good reason, Marvel never published it. But I stand by it still. Mike 2009]

"One More Day"

Hi. J. Michael Strazynski's 'One More Day' storyline caps an excellent run on Spider-Man which, like fabled Ouroboros, eats its own tail. And most of the other snakes that were nearby.
This final coda on a brilliant Spidey tale was (obviously) a well-written, deeply moving, cop-out.
(Contains spoilers)
To sum up: JMS took a separated, depressed Peter Parker complete with secret identity. JMS explored Pete's origins and purpose with a shady mentor. He examined his life as a schoolteacher. He brought long-missing, long suffering MJ back into Pete's life in a lovely, believeable reunion. He exposed Peter's secret identity to Aunt May, (Who, far from dying of shock became an advocate for Spider-Man). He expanded Peter's circle of friends to include the Avengers, especially Iron Man whose benevolent offer of a home for Peter and his family led inexorably to Peter's fateful decision to unmask on live t.v. in support of superhero registration. Though done with his families total support, he regretted the choice immediately. Faced with the increasing fascism of the Avengers, SHIELD, the FF, the government et al, Peter tried to divorce himself from the Pro-Faction and quickly found himself with no support structure and under supervillain attack. An assassin's bullet meant for Peter struck Aunt May.
May has been dying inside a week for Peter and MJ, almost a year for the monthly reader.
Peter has lashed out at the assassin, raged against the hospital system, pled with Dr. Strange, sought every avenue, checked every possibility and it seemed the story was shaping up to Aunt May's death.
Because, honestly, May's been a frail dying old woman for 13 Peter years and 44 reader years.
I was prepared to have this be the realistic end. See Peter face a realistic tragedy.
Learn a little something while I'm entertained.
Instead, the finale gave me a DC-esque reboot that throws about 25 years of baby out with the bathwater.
Peter with MJ's reluctant consent, makes a deal with the literal devil to save May's life at the cost of erasing P & M's entire (approximately 6 comic years?) marriage, and their memory of it. It has the secondary effect of erasing their potential daughter (May 'Spider-Girl' Parker). MJ also makes a side-deal with Mephisto to put Spider-Man back in the closet worldwide in exchange for something Peter and the reader do not learn here.
I thought the story was heading for the inevitability of death and I was prepared. I lost MY Aunt. It hurts. I lashed out, too. Now I would see how a hero dealt with it.
Answer: HE DIDN'T!
He bargained with the devil to avoid a painful truth at the cost of his marriage. With great power comes... irresponsibility. Peter doesn't man up. He doesn't learn from anything or grow. In fact he erases every mature choice he's ever made.
Were I Aunt May I'd be pissed.
I would resent him saving my life at this cost.
Being sorely disappointed in Spider-Man is a new experience for me. I understand the pressure and madness of grief. I sympathize with the choice, but damn!
One word to the devil and this guy's single and drinking with his high school buddies with an aunt to feed and protect him again.
Are you jealous? Wish you could be a hero too, like this jerk? What's next, crawl back into your crib?
Man up!
But of course, Peter doesn't even remember the change. The only thing that can reverse this irresponsibility is MJ's love... but can she still give it?
I love this stuff, I do. Obviously it has me worked up. But the ding-blasted consequences!!!
JMS just erased decades of 'history'!
I like to think that sort of reboot is limited to DC where every ten years Batman is reinvented.
I like to think that Marvel's kooky attempt to keep dragging internally consistent, interlinked, extensive 'histories' down through the decades in their Marvel Universe is most of what makes them so freakin' awesome. Kudos to them, I say!
1940's Batman, 1950's Batman, 1960's Batman, 1970's Batman, 1980's Batman, 1990's Bat-Azreal, 2000's Batman- it's like 7 different guys who wouldn't know each other across the gulf of crisises, zero hours, generalized silent re-maginings, movie retcons.
Peter Parker 2007 is the same as Peter Parker 1962. Impossible as that is temporally speaking. I really, really enjoyed that this was meant to be the same person, passing (albiet incredibly slowly), from high school to college, to job, to marriage. (Even, in a brave parrallel world future that somehow lives on in Spider-Girl, parenthood).
I think that was the comic's greatest strength. Simulated life.
A reboot undermines that, I feel.
I guess I have no choice but to accept temporally choppy, inconsistent, or unpalatable changes as an inherent part of the comics medium. Probably.
Like, Bart Simpson never gets older. Nor does Archie.
Of course, I don't care about them or read their comics.
I read somewhere that comics feature only the illusion of change, but since the examples they gave were from DC comics I actually thought Marvel was capable of being better than the illusion. Of course, how can Batman have been fighting crime for 60 years? Real life is fleeting and simulated comic life would have to be, as well. Maybe four times less fleeting at the outside. But fleeting. I'm concerned that the death infesting Marvel comics is saying something about the content. Captain America has died. (Permanently?) Maybe that's o.k. Maybe a super-patriotic steroid-filled soldier is an icon the twenty-first century can do without. But the zombies? I'm worried this is an indication that Marvel's silver age magic is ending and these fantastic, symbolic characters are all walking dead. Can that be true?
Probably.
I'm told some Spider-Fans never wanted Pete to marry. Like some dudes figure Clark should never have married Lois.
I'm of the opposite opinion. I want my heroes to show me the way.
I'm afraid of the future, deep down. I love it too, but there is fear. I'm afraid of the terrifying changes that come with growing old, finding love, marrying the right person.
I'm trying to get my first mortgage, my first home with my fiancee.
I couldn't possibly manage it without her help. Face down these supervillains if you dare!
Mort Gage, the LIVING HELL from BEYOND ENDURANCE!!!
Real-Tor: Falsehoods, Fabrications, Finagling. (twists moustache, chortles: "NYa-ha-ha!")
Dr. Entropy- Gaze into Nothingness and Wonder where your Misspent Youth has GONE!

I need comics at a time like this. O.K., so REALLY what I need is to man up. If my heroes fail then in the words of cartoon superhero Freakazoid's anime examplar Heroboy:
"I MUST SUCCEED!!!"