Movie Review: Project Moonbase on DVD (MST3K Experiment #109)

Where does the time go? Consider: as I finish out my 37th year on this wacky globe, it seems all too brief a span, yet 37 years was long enough to turn a cutting edge science fiction film of 1953 into the Mystery Science Theater 3000 mockery fodder of 1990. I'm speaking, of course, of Project Moonbase.

I watched several DVDs this weekend while my wife was on holiday before starting her new job. This was one of them! Yes, dear followers, in the distant future year of 1970, women have jobs too! Yet as America's brave men reach out for the moon, so do they also reach out to spank any gals who might imagine themselves beyond their station! Space station, that is!

Outer Space is treacherous, unknown territory, so everyone should don Head Condoms and summer shorts for protection. Please, no walking on the walls. In case of Foreign Spies, be advised that they may be spotted by their ignorance of rudimentary baseball trivia and feeble combat skills.

And when it comes to ladies, they may be colonels in the space force, pilot risky and expensive vehicles, and even be addressed as 'Madame President'- but woe betide us all if they should carry higher rank, engage in sex without marriage, or dare to bravely dream beyond their limits.

The screenplay is partly credited to Robert A. Heinlein, so I partly know who to blame for the lecturing and condescension. And the sense of adventure! This is hilariously outdated but it's still fun on a bun. Not least from the quips of Joel & the Bots.

It was a mildly interesting confluence of events in that I am reading all of Heinlein's novels (3 and a half to go!) and watching DVDs hoping to reduce my collection in my regularly scheduled bookstore trading event with my pal Bookmonkey. Perhaps a form of recycling... in that you can have my copy of this movie if Wee Book Inn chooses to take it off my hands.

Even if they don't, it's good news for everyone- America hasn't got a woman president or a base on the moon but we've all learned so much about... uh... I forget where I was going with this. Gender Equality? Science? Anyway, good news for me- my wife has a job again.

TV Review: Sliders Seasons 1-5 on Netflix

If there was ever a need for a blog post demonstrating an appalling waste of the precious gift of life- here it is!

What? You've never heard of Sliders? The brilliantly conceived Tracy Tormé SF series of 1995 that collapsed like a disused wormhole into the David Peckinpah crap-fest of 1999? Well, you don't have to watch it! Not like I had to.

YES, I HAD TO.

Just like settling back into a nice, harmless Netflix obsession, when you step into a wormhole in search of scientific discovery, you take a mighty big risk. Wanna be guillotined on live TV by Donny Most? 'Cause that's one of hundreds of terrible icky ends you might come to... and no one from your home world will ever find out!

SPOILERS! First of all- don't watch it. Like the poorly-explained mental mystics who appear all too often in this series... Heed My Warning! If you must... stop after Season 1. Seriously. It doesn't get better. Cheesier, cheaper, more heartbreaking. Never better. If you JUST CAN'T STOP... please save your sanity with the hilarious reviews on Earth Prime. 

Season 1- Has excellent ideas, comedy, jeopardy, adventure... and gets you very attached to a haphazard little family who are all about to die horribly, without purpose, and usually offscreen. 
Season 2- Shark. Jumped. Network interference making a hash of continuty and reason. 
Season 3- Utter madness. Season 3 actually cost a human life (stunt performer Ken Steadman) for a tepid stew of '90's film pastiche. 
Season 4- Starts to show purpose and promise again... pisses it all away in the last three episodes. 
Season 5- When the original cast is all replaced- that's when the magic happens!

My mistake was treating it as alternate history SF when suddenly telepathy, dragons, and sorcery crop up. And just as I'm thinking "Fantasy's good too..." very quickly explosions replace any coherent thought at all! Just as I'm thinking "Well, I like explosions..." they can't really afford that! So it's down to horror. Horror of war, horror of alien nazis, horror of being lost and losing your mind. The pompous voice of Professor Max (John Rhys-Awesome) Arturo silenced by Roger Daltry. Wade (Sabrina The Teenage Lloyd) Welles sentenced by sadistic (I guess you'd call them) "writers" to an ape-man "breeding camp" (the only fate worse than season 3 itself). Quinn (Adorable Kid from "My Secret Identity") Mallory is somehow sort-of-but-not-really fused with another actor or something mumble mumble and ends his life literally just trailing off like this sentence. Last and Least poor Colin (My Brother was in "The Invisible Kid"!) Mallory- Nobody Knows! Best case scenario: amiable Amish guy was "spread like a very fine jam across an infinite number of universes". 

And just as you're thinking "At least I kind of like horror..." there's the indignity. It's just not working at all. What a lot of these parallel worlds have in common is soul-crushing boredom. In the last episode I'm staring at a handful of people I never liked (Boobs McGee, Shrugging "Science" Girl, and Hazy Von Hair Gel) while watching Rembrandt ("Better Than The Material") Brown slide into an unresolved cliffhanger to be mourned forever. A catastrophic level of sloppy, disjointed, implausible storytelling with no sense of follow through. But Quinn took his shirt off a lot!

Guest appearances from Mark Allen Shepherd, Conner Trineer, Tommy Chong, Jerry Doyle, and Peter Jurasik cannot save it. A couple of gems like "Worldkiller", "New Gods For Old" and MAAAYBE "Requiem" are all I can recommend after Arturo's death (which was where I was once forced to stop watching by circumstance and must now admit I was better off.)

Maybe it's a waste of the potential, but if I had sliding technology my fantasy would be to see a world where "Sliders" was actually well executed!

Now, if you'll excuse me- Netflix is infinitely deep & I must start shotgunning Hercules and Xena.

TV Review: Star Wars Clone Wars

'Star Wars The Clone Wars' ran from Oct 2008 to March 2013, and last week I finished re-watching it from the beginning so I could enjoy the "Netflix Exclusive" Season 6 "The Lost Missions" in context. Should I start a review with a spoiler? It's awesome. You may now fall over dead from Not Surprised!

The animation is absolutely beautiful, and to the extent that I understand such things, the editing and direction are splendid. Within the constraints of the programme, the writing is usually very good. Specifically, the stories are vignettes sandwiched between the known events of Star Wars Episode II and Episode III (and possibly also between the wipes in the 15th MINUTE of Genndy Tartakovsky's 2003-2005 Star Wars: Clone Wars Volume 2). (ALL of which I loved and will brook no complaints about, no matter how reasonable those complaints may be.)  Very few things in life transport me back to childhood quite like Star Wars, and that's a special pleasure.

The regular voice cast are appealing (special mention: Matt Lanter since he's the best prequel Anakin actor yet) but the guest performer highlights included luminaries such as Clancy Brown, Jim Cummings, Greg Cipes, Phil LaMarr, Jon Favreau, Seth Green, Michael York, Katee Sackhoff, Tim Curry, Simon Pegg, and David Tennant. Also, for authenticity: Peter Mayhew, Ahmed Best, Anthony Daniels, Daniel Logan, Mark Hamill, and Liam Neeson. (They were not hurting in the vocal department.)

One complaint I've heard is that it's kid stuff. (This is completely true. Kid stuff tends to be awesome!) I feel like it manages to offer plenty of shades of meaning, but then again the villains have names like Cad Bane. Or, for colour, Dooku and Durd. (Something smells stinkowiff...)

Lok Durd is a voluminous slimy alien voiced by the effervescent George Takei. "You are now under the protection of the Separatist Alliance," Durd intones at a cuddly old monkey-man. "I congratulate you on your good fortune." Followed, inevitably by "Ransack this dung heap!"

I can't give much credence to the idea that "utterly disposable" armies of clones on one side and droids on the other means there's no-one to care about! Ridiculous! To the programme's credit I not only felt sorry for many of the "heroic" clones- but even now and then for the "evil" droids. Still, apart from the cannon fodder, there's a galaxy of other characters to adore and despise. Only YOU will know how to feel about Sy Snootles after this...

I'm probably the wrong gender to comment, but I will say that the series had better roles for females (i.e. Ventress, Tano, and Offee- seen above) than any previous Star Wars, and that Katie Lucas is a much better writer than the nepotism would first suggest.

Picking a favourite episode has proven impossible. In general, seasons 2 and 4 were strongest and season 6 perhaps the most uneven, but Yoda fans will be richly rewarded in the final arc ("Voices/Destiny/Sacrifice") for slogging through a couple of episodes about banking deregulation. (Seriously? For kids!)

So, at last, some highly arbitrary special mentions: Favourite Ship Battle: "Shadow of Malevolence". Favourite Jar Jar Story: "Bombad Jedi". Favourite Hot Mess: Ziro the Hutt's Mama. Favourite cameo from '80's Nelvanna cartoon "Droids": R2-KT. Favourite Monster of Mass Destruction: the Zillo Beast. Story Arc With The Least Pay-Off: Darth Maul's Resurrection. (I know he's cool- but to what END? Most adorable youngling in "The Gathering": Gungi. Most Futile Death: three-way tie: Gregor/Tarpals/Fives.

Disney will get their chance, and no doubt their efforts in "Rebels" and Episode VII will be the best that ever was! We'll soon see. Always in motion is the future...

Movie Review: The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

Say, now I KNOW it's Christmas once again! Because I hear the pitter-patter of little elf feet...

What? Not Buddy the Christmas Elf, nor even the Gremlins of Kingston Falls, but Orlando 'Legolas' Bloom and Tauriel 'Kate From Lost' the Red-Headed Step-Child. Who doesn't want some light-footed elves prancercising their way across white-water Donkey Kong barrels? The Elf Driver's Waltz Pleases Nerds Completely!

I have to admit, there are times when 'The Hobbit Part 2' feels a little like Second Breakfast- a little too much of a good thing. But then it'll lurch back from its drunken wanderings and find the path through Mirkwood again. I'm consoling myself with the belief that they've left plenty of material for the third film, which I'm also as eager as anything to see in 2014.

This does what you paid for (and thanks again to my buddy Ron for the ticket!) with cunning action sequences, bombastic music, stunning natural vistas, strange and wonderful creatures, and more. It's a great way to kill an afternoon. See it with friends as excited as mine and you'll really be in for a swell time!

Stephen Fry as the Master of the Lake-Town of Esgaroth is a particular treat, because Stephen Fry doing ANYTHING- (including reading the entire indicies of 'The Silmarillion') would be a particular treat.

All the returning characters do great work- Bilbo, Gandalf, Radaghast, Old Dwarf, Fat Dwarf, Proud Dwarf, Hot Elf, Haughty Elf, and The Elf who Makes Pies and Raises the Dead. Plus you've got that lizard in a human suit Benny Batch delivering the creepy goods as the BIG BAD!

And lastly, I'll try my best, but I think I'm always gonna pronounce the titular dragon's name as "smog"... not "s-miaow-g".

Comic Review: Ranma 1/2

I just finished Ranma 1/2 by Rumiko Takahashi and it was awesome. 36 black-and-white manga volumes of absurdity. Many thanks for the many months of book loans to Lorisia, daughter of Bookmonkey!

Although serialized for sixteen years between 1987 and 1996, the text itself takes place in less than a year (albeit a very busy, very timeless year) in a fantasy version of Tokyo. Sixteen-year-old martial artist Ranma Saotome has a life not unlike the famous Archie Andrews. If Archie Andrews was cursed with a body that swaps genders when doused with water. And if Archie had upwards of eight lady suitors running the cultural gamut from pancake vendors to Chinese amazons (and several clueless men) instead of simply Betty and Veronica vying for his attentions. And if Archie was a jerk.

Ranma comes by his prideful ways honestly: his father Genma is also a jerk. Genma Saotome, having set his son on the path of the mystic martial arts by various ill-considered methods often bordering on child abuse, is a self-serving, cowardly lout who mooches his way across the world, and barters his boy's betrothal at various times to various people, usually for the promise of a hot meal. Also Genma turns into a panda.

Genma's sensei, as you might imagine, was also a jerk. Wizened but not wise, Happosai's mastery of his craft serves primarily in the stealing of women's underpants. The tiny, goblin-like master is best kept under a rock, as his students attempted to do ten years ago.

Happosai's second student, the kindly widower Soun Tendo, hopes to pass on his training dojo to Genma's son... and one of three lovely daughters: homemaker Kasumi, mercenary Nabiki, or tomboy Akane. But Akane is no more eager to wed Ranma than the reverse. Complicating matters (like THAT was simple) is a slavering host of dashing idiots with crushes on Akane, many of whom turn into adorable animals when they get wet. Will the course of true love run smooth? Will Genma's estranged wife learn that her son Ranma has grown up *gasp*... less than manly? How many times must a girl kick a guy over the horizon?

I've never read anything like this. I'd venture a guess that there IS nothing like this, especially outside that Friendly Island in the Sea, Japan. The art is just amazing, with rich, detailed backgrounds peopled delightfully. The distinct characters have such fiendishly simple, wild, and hilarious facial expressions! Equal parts comedy, magic, action, romance, and fan service make for an all-time manga classic. There's no deeper meaning here- apart from life itself: complicated, unfair, stupid, sweet life. It's funny when it's not happening to you. I'm no expert, of course. I just know what I like.

A-Z Survey of The Best Ever Books

Earlier this week I was reading the blog "Wisdom of Bookmonkey" - which is an amazing read, sharing a lot of my own tastes (shameless plug), so I thought I would both send a thanks to that blog – a reading-themed A-Z survey – and fill some void in my own (by stealing it wholesale right down to the papyrus-coloured background I can't be bothered to figure out how to get rid of)- so here goes:

Author I've Read The Most Books From: I've never counted and I'll have to do it by the numbers later, but it's almost certainly Peter David. I spent many years tracking down his comics and novels in the sf and fantasy genres.

Best Sequel Ever: E.T. The Book of The Green Planet by William Kotzwinkle, because I couldn't put it down and read it all night instead of sleeping. That's nine years old for you. Probably my gateway book to Science Fiction.

Currently Reading: Doctor Who: The New Adventures: Human Nature by Paul Cornell

Drink of Choice While Reading: Raspberry Ginger Ale. For the stains! Actually, I don't usually drink while I read.

E-Reader or Physical Book: I still read more often from physical books, but my iPad and Kobo E-Reader have weight advantages for my weak and kittenish wrists, plus I get to imagine I'm Geordi La Forge having a replicated lunch break in the 24th Century.

Fictional Character You Probably Would Have Dated in High School: Ace McShane- but there's no way I would have survived the experience. (Also assumes the restraining order hadn't been invented.)

Glad You Gave This Book A Chance: Falling Free by Lois McMaster Bujold, because the Vorkosigan Saga is cool, yo.

Hidden Gem Book: Adventure Time comics by Ryan North, Shelli Paroline and Braden Lamb, which is probably very popular already and not hidden at all. So, Empowered by Adam Warren. Neither of these graphic novels is even SLIGHTLY suitable for children.

Important Moment in Your Reading Life: Finishing the bildungsroman (coming-of-age story) Chronicles of Prydain series by Lloyd Alexander because when I was eleven that's what I thought epic was. Also, Wikipedia is teaching me German!

Just Finished: Ranma 1/2 Vol. 30 by Rumiko Takahashi. 

Kind of Books I Won't Read: Technically none, but to be fair I am a giant whiny baby with no interest whatsoever in virtually anything outside "Geek Genres", and even there I don't have a great track record with horror, romance, tragedy, or tedium- essentially all fiction books set in real life, about real life.

Longest Book I've Read: The Bible. Although Steven King and George R.R. Martin have a certain heft to them. Their books are long, too.

Major Book Hangover Because: Two months later I still don't feel like going back to the rape and incest of A Song of Ice and Fire- but what can you do? Nobody else has read Dirty Pair by Haruka Takahciho and if they had what kind of conversation would that be anyway? "Do you like lasers?" "Hell, yeah, I like lasers!" "Awesome!"

Number of Bookcases I own: Two. One for the hundreds of books I own but haven't read. Because TV.

One Book I have Read Multiple Times: I love coming back to the DC superheroes graphic novel Kingdom Come by Mark Waid. It gives me the feels.

Preferred Place to Read: The La-Z-Boy.

Quote That Inspires You/Gives You All the Feels From a Book You've Read: JLA's Divided We Fall by Mark Waid page 163: The human half of Patrick O'Brien tells the Martian Manhunter "I Want My Soul Back". 

Reading Regret: I wish for a technology to download books directly into my brain so I could read as fast as that adorable Johnny Five from the Short Circuit movies. Where's my fiction mist, Steven Moffat?

Series You Started and Need To Finish (All the books are out in the series): Connie Willis' Time Travel series- unless there's more coming? So, realistically, the Doctor Who New Adventures series.

Three of Your All-Time Favourite Books: Have Spacesuit Will Travel by Robert Heinlein, The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy by Douglas Adams, and Redshirts by John Scalzi.

Unapologetic Fanboy For: Media Tie-In novels. Yes, I have almost no classical knowledge and I'm bound to regret it every day of my life until I die happy surrounded by bargain bin Farscape and Thundercats pocket books. And, if I'm still very lucky, my wife and friends.

Very Excited For This Release More Than All The Others: The next volume of Saga by Brian K. Vaughan and Fiona Staples.

Worst Bookish Habit: Using my precious reading time to watch TV... because it's infinitely easier.

X Marks The Spot: Start at the Top Left of Your Shelf and pick the 27th Book: DC Showcase Presents Booster Gold

Your Latest Book Purchase: Green Lantern: Revenge of the Black Hand by Geoff Johns

ZZZ-Snatcher Book- Book That Kept You Up WAY Too Late: A Semester in The Life of A Garbage Bag by Gordon Korman. Mercifully, I don't read all night anymore. I'm old.

Nifty, Nifty Look Who's Fifty

All right, all right, I know. I've arrived late as usual, just like a certain time-traveling nutter everyone's rather keen on. Did anyone on the Interwebs mention that the UK's most delightfully eccentric SF TV show turned 50 yesterday? I thought not!

Well, it did. In the interest of avoiding any of space archeologist River Song's beloved "Spoilers!" All I'm going to say about the Steven Moffat-penned 50th Anniversary special "The Day of The Doctor" itself is- it was brilliant! Loved it! Exciting! Hilarious! Go watch it, won't you? It's broken a Guinness Record for broadcast, apparently.

But the experience itself was also a wonderment. My wife's friend Cailín was utterly prepared for the event with the 11th Doctor's taste sensation (fish fingers and custard, delightful, by the by), jammy dodgers in a TARDIS cookie jar, and (our many thanks) Doctor Who-themed mug cosy/wrist warmers she knitted herself. As the 4th Doctor once said of Madame Nostradamus (who fashioned his iconic tripping scarf, don't you know) "She's a witty little knitter".

Cailín and her friend Randy were charming on a very fine afternoon indoors. And many thanks to the patience and for the presence of my impossibly lovely wife Trish. For all the re-runs and Doctor Who docs and even that little Google game. Thank you sweetie, for sharing time and space with me.

Happy 50th Birthday, Doctor Who.

Travel Anywhere- especially Home.