TV Review: Battlestar Galactica

I can be like a daggit with a Borellian bone once I get an idea in my head, so I recently finished re-watching the entire GOL-MONGING saga of Battlestar Galactica! As my pal Kirk asked: "For punishment?" 

Was it all worth it? You decide! (No, strike that. I'll decide.)

Of course, I watched it the way the One True God intended: Chronologically by Content! 

First- the Remake's Prequel Series! "Caprica", or as it is more popularly known- "Patton Oswalt Explains It All", takes us far way and long ago to a decadent planet where everything is edgy except the sheets of paper. (Because all the corners are cut off. Actually... they have MORE edges. I might be getting off topic...) Everyone's out for number one as an evil robot army congeals inexorably out of the quest for immortality during a clash of political, religious, and racial ideologies. Plus it has Eric Stoltz!

Fav. Ep.: "Apotheosis"- Cylon heroes fight for the forces of decency and corporate profit vs monotheist terrorists in a crowded sports stadium! There may be some explosions involved.

Least Fav. Ep.: "Retribution"- Intrigue becomes intriguing as machinations turn wheels within wheels and schemes near the point of no return while the thick, simmering plot begins to... *snore*

Next, I watched Battlestar Galactica (2004) AKA "Battleglum Galacticglum". It's as glum as the Black Hole of Hades but on stunning blu-ray it turns out it's also one of the finest TV dramas of my lifetime. There, I admit it.

Fav. Ep.: "Battlestar Galactica: The Plan" Again, the Cylons are the heroes! Yes, he may stab little children, but he's Dean Stockwell, so it's all good!

Least Fav. Ep.: "Black Market" If it wasn't bad enough that Re-imagined Apollo had a dull, human name like Lee Adama, now they've made him a whoring John with a heart of gold. Who battles child sex slavers! Yikes! It may or may not be the darkest tale from a collapsed society trapped in the void of space, but it's pretty dark stuff.

From the troubled ancestors of the Incas, the Toltecs, and the Lemurians we proceed to the star-brothers of contemporary man: on a 30 year star voyage beginning sometime after 1969, culminating in 1980, and full of too many other inconsistencies to believe for a single micron!

Battlestar Galactica (1978) is a ridiculous, archaic piece of misogynist quasi-Mormon laser disco. Dirk "Face-Man" Benedict and Lorne "Bonanza" Greene light up the small screen, sharing equal billing with some poor chimp stuffed inside a Muppet. Kids will scratch their heads with delight unless they were born in the late seventies. In which case they already spent hundreds of centons watching and loving it like an Ovion grub loves an overfed gambler who's stumbled drunkenly into its honeycomb!

Fav. Ep.: "Saga of A Star World" This is where it all began! Well, "Star Wars" is where it all began, but this is also available! 

Least Fav. Ep. Tie: "The Lost Warrior" & "The Young Lords". Which is worse: space cowboys in tinfoil Stetsons versus a tribe of horny pig-men, or seven to twelve 7 to 12 year olds in ratty Viking costumes riding unicorns against the most flamboyant candy-cane that ever called itself a Cylon?

Yeah, the cutesy robots are purest felgercarb. Granted, my beloved Muffit 2 gets a pass, but the goofy awkward "dancing" Hector & Vector were MUCH worse. Just picture the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz re-imagined as a pair of pasty dildos in overalls. Just awful. 

Honourable mention: "Experiment in Terra" for having all the conceptual ingredients for "Quantum Leap". It's not as good by half as any episode of Quantum Leap, but the seed is there.

Galactica 1980 AKA "Space Invaders Meet Wolfman Jack". This is where the punishment really begins, but I'm a completist, gods frack it all. Our rag-tag fugitive fleet has lost all but 2 of its lead characters and replaced them with one angelic teenage boy with magic science powers. You'll believe a motorcycle can fly.

Fav. Ep.: "The Return of Starbuck" It does what it says on the tin, and it's not half bad. Again, the evil Cylon is the good guy. What does this say about me, I wonder?

Least Fav. Ep.: "Spaceball" Precocious super-powered moppets spewing precocious nonsense and playing baseball as if they were from space. Get it?

Series creator Glen A. Larson, made a lot of cool things happen on TV for a lot of years. This was definitely one of my favourites, along with the arguably slightly more successful 'Buck Rogers'. Also, I read that Mr. Larson stole a song from James Garner, so Rockford socked him in the snoot! 

Series re-imagineer Ronald D. Moore used to work on Star Trek. He's good at stuff.

Much praise extended to Netflix, YouTube, and my buddy Ron for the blu-rays that made it all possible. So say we all!

Captain Complainy: The Future Begins With a Foregone Conclusion

All right, I've heard enough gushing about this and that and songs of praise for moldy old Hugos and crusty primitive CGI! It's time once again for hardcore, no-compromise hating from your old pal, Captain Complainy!
I tolerated Battleglum Galacticglum. I even liked it now and then. The thing is, I have very damn little choice when it comes to new TV SF. If I want TV SF, (AND BELIEVE ME, I REALLY, REALLY DO!) then I have to really get in there and scrape the bottom of the barrel to FIND me some TV SF. And, perhaps predictably, that's not what Caprica IS. SF, I mean. It IS on TV. I'll give it that.
Caprica is a prequel series to BSG in much the same way Dallas is a prequel to Space Precinct. That is to say, Dallas is set in the past.
Well, there IS a kid called Adama. Oh, boy, do I feel sorry for that guy. He could be the best actor in the world (he's not) and he's STILL gonna get a lot of whiny fanboys complaining about him. Me? Not so much. My problems with this show go far beyond one kid doing his best.
Minor problem 1: Prequels have worn out their welcome with me. When the show begins we already know: Cylons were created, Cylons were enslaved, Cylons revolted. So... what? Now you're going to SHOW me that? Week by week? For YEARS? Or will, somehow, hilarity ensue? OF COURSE NOT! I don't see any way this won't be misery heaped on misery. The pilot had a grieving father stick his dead daughter's ghost in a battlebot, for Hera's sake. Hilarity ensues?
Minor problem 2: Religious cults, racial predjudice, terrorism, narcissism, corruption- all very important topics. All very tired of them now.
Major problem 1: 1950's hats don't make it SF! Tatoos, drug dens, lawyers, thugs, corporate scumbags etc etc don't make it SF. What we have here, kids, is called a drama. Call a Tauron a Tauron. Also, I think the people looking for drama are going to be put off if you're occasionally cutting to some robot yanking its own arm out. So, way to alienate old and new audiences.
Major problem 2 and Deal Breaker: I have begun a project inspired by A.J.Jacobs' 'The Guinea Pig Diaries'. He called it UNI-TASKING: he tried not to multi-task for a month in the belief that it would make him (I think?) happier or more productive or some damn thing. Anyway, when I started uni-tasking (that is, WATCHING TV when I'm watching TV, rather than trying to read simultaneously or what have you) I discovered I am MUCH more bored than I thought I was. Smallville's latest attempt to be a PG rated Saw movie and Battlebland Galactistink (as I have just dubbed Caprica) are very likely to be my first casualties of this premise: if it cannot hold your whole attention, why give it ANY of your attention?

My Favorite Characters: The One with the Plan

O.K., so, I admit it. Ronald Moore's Battlestar Galactica is very long on cool, and very short on fun. I dubbed it Battleglum Galactiglum once and I stand by that. It's a dark story. Notta lotta laughs during a genocide, after all.
I've always maintained it needed more nudity and more Dean Stockwell. (As long as it's not Dean Stockwell's nudity!) But I say that about everything.
Fortunately for me, there's Battlestar Galactica: The Plan.
I've heard some negative reviews: ignore them.
The effects, score, sound, writing, acting, and story are all top-notch.
Dean Stockwell is exceedingly cool, and always fun.
In this story (Which I admit, is not for the novice; You have to have seen the series. You can't watch 'Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead' without knowing 'Hamlet', nor for that matter read 'Tag and Bink are Dead' without having seen 'Star Wars') Stockwell portrays two copies of the insanely evil robot Cylon model One, also known as Brother John Cavil. The story concerns the Ones' judgement on humanity and their vicious, seemingly unprovoked war featured in the series proper. Weaving its plot through the first two seasons of BSG, there are a lot of characters here the fan has already met, so the novice will be stumped. TOO BAD!
While it's as specialized as the previous offering 'Razor', I think it's more relevant overall. Cylon motive, method, and madness is on display here in more detail than the series provided: they were the baddies, after all. But, me personally, I just can't get enough robots!
Much as I wish to be like Dean Stockwell, I cannot recommend one emulate Cavil. Oh, is he a rotter! "Wear this," he slithers. "It's called a SUICIDE vest. Although I think that kind of undersells all the HOMICIDE involved." And you just know a guy like that will come to a gruesome end... I've said too much.