What's not to like?

Last post I promised to write about stuff I ENJOY rather than seem like a ranting, complaint-filled ass all the time.
But it turns out two of the things I like are complaining and procrastinating.
Ergo, expect more of the same in the future.
But tis the season of love, and I can feel it biting at my nose in the chill winter air.
I love science fiction more than any man should.
My top ten films of all time as chosen in 2006 in ascending order are:
10- Spider-Man II. It's the simply the best, and I got to kiss my date afterwards.
9- The Incredibles. See FF that should have been.
8- Enemy Mine. This is beautiful SF at its most impressive.
7- The Princess Bride. It's hard to love a movie more than this one...
6- The Fellowship of the Ring. Unless you waited your whole life to see it
5- The Fifth Element. That's right. Suck it, Mr. Shadow.
4- The Dark Crystal. That's right. Suck it, pure good and pure evil.
3- The Empire Stirkes Back. It has 'The" in the title as well. Coincidence?
2- A New Hope. I mean Star Wars IV. The first one.
1- Return of the Jedi. That's right. Suck it, Ewok haters.

There's probably nothing I love more than a happy ending. And I believe everything "Jedi" had to say, even the teddy bears beating the evil empire.
I should mention I also loved Jar Jar Binks.
I know he's a retarded man-frog. But I'm man enough to admit that when I was younger so was I. I think most of us were and I think that's what most of us were afraid to admit. Don't be ashamed of your past, people. Gangly orange fuck-up is as gangly orange fuck-up does.

My favorite television last year was sparse. But let's face facts Doctor Who was the best . My favorite episode was 'School Reunion' which featured my favorite ex-Buffy Brit Mr. Anthony Head (who MUST return as the Master. Admit it must be so!) and also my favorite new Christmas friend K-9: robot dog from the year 5000, don'cha know.

My favorite movie was probably X-Men 3. I'm a nerd, what can I say.

My favorite new comic book discovery was The Legion of Super-Heroes. Mark Waid is the creme de la crop, folks. But seriously, HOW have I been reading comics for over 6 years and not found the one with dozens of young, alien super main characters from the future with over 50 years worth of back issues? I guess it was just my prejudice against DC comics. When I opened my Marvel Zombie eyes a little bit and rubbed the Moon Knight dust out of them I noticed Green FRAKKIN Lantern, too!
My fav is Kyle Rayner, the sarcastic artist with the cute green girlfriend. (She's tragically just died but I can hope and pray it doesn't last.)
My favorite DC comic is '52'. It's a great introduction to a new world.
My favorite Marvel comic was 'The Thing', but is now 'She-Hulk' by the same author. God bless you and your word-processor, Mr. Slott.
Yes, I can't get enough of the green chicks. Sue me. And send Jennifer Walters with the summons.
My favorite indy comic is BONE, although it's probably by some company I could name if I wanted to get up and look at the darn thing. Anyway, it's very fun so far.

My fifty favorite songs include:
The Saga Begins- WEIRD AL
She Is Beautiful- ANDREW W.K.
Storybook Love- MARK KNOPFLER
Schadenfreude- AVENUE Q musical
Everything- ALANIS MORRISETTE
Defying Gravity- WICKED musical
Don't Stop Me Now- QUEEN
You Will Go To the Moon- MOXY FRUVOUS
Scatterlings of Africa- JOHNNY CLEGG
Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick (live)- IAN DURY & THE BLOCKHEADS
The Waiting- TOM PETTY & THE HEARTBREAKERS
Your Body is a Wonderland- JOHN MAYER
I Drove All Night- CYNDI LAUPER
Give up the Grudge- GOB
Synthesizer- ELECTRIC SIX
Shining Light- ASH
I Couldn't Believe- DR. HOOK
The Majesty of Rock- SPINAL TAP
Happiness Hotel- THE MUPPETS
The Mayor of Simpleton- XTC
Little Light of Love- ERIC SERRA
Sex, Drugs, and RRSPs- ARROGANT WORMS
Walk Through the Fire- JOSS WHEDON
What Would Brian Boitano Do?- DVDA
Girl U Want- DEVO
I Think I Need a New Heart- MAGNETIC FIELDS
Dance the Night Away- VAN HALEN
Can't Help Falling in Love- LICK THE TINS
Take on Me- ME FIRST AND THE GIMME GIMMES
Rush Hour- JANE WIEDLIN
Satisfied- ODDS
Breathless- THE CORRS
Kathy's Song- SIMON & GARFUNKEL
Sunshine Lady- DION
Make Me Smile- STEVE HARLEY & COCKNEY REBEL
Don't Stop Believin'- JOURNEY
Dancing in Heaven- Q-FEEL
Weep Day- THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS
Accidentally in Love- COUNTING CROWS
Bad Blood- BONZO DOG BAND

And my top ten favorite songs today are:
10-Fett's Vette- MC CHRIS
9-Martian Hop- THE RAN-DELLS
8-Overkill- COLIN HAY
7-Your Wildest Dreams- MOODY BLUES
6-All I Wanna Know- MAGNETIC FIELDS
5-This Time Tomorrow- THE KINKS
4-Better Things- FOUNTAINS OF WAYNE
3-In Your Eyes- PETER GABRIEL
2-Bleed to Love Her- FLEETWOOD MAC
1-Lovers in a Dangerous Time- BARENAKED LADIES

Let's face it, kids, that's enough favorite things to put raindrops on kittens and whiskers on roses! But let's not forget that there are better things than THINGS. I can't name better things than years of friendships, getting the lead in a musical, getting a story published, and getting a fiance who likes to do what we did in the privacy of our bedroom last night from 9:30 to 10:00.

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

It's Critic-ing Time!!!

This week I watched 'The Incredibles' on DVD for, I dunno, the 5th time, I guess. The Incredibles is my eighth favorite movie of all time, by the by. And if you read my first blog post you know what's coming.
Why the holy hell wasn't Marvel's 'Fantastic Four' one eighth as good?
Very possibly my favorite Marvel comic of all time and certainly one of the best comics anywhere, the Fantastic Four had been the vanguard of Marvel for 44 years and THAT was the best they could come up with?
Don't get me wrong. Unlike 'Superman Returns' I own the wretched thing on DVD and I'm itching to go see the sequel, but what were they thinking?
O.K., first they got bogged down in the origin story and screwed up Doctor Doom from word one. I guess they were trying to make him the movie Green Goblin: a crazy tycoon in armour. But what works one on one against Spidey looks silly battling the FF when it's FOUR against one in a very short street fight. Doom killing guys in parking garages hardly captures the scope of the comic book version. Doom is a KING, A SORCEROR, and a mad scientist rolled into one. This movie made him Electro in metal chaps.
When the FF battle Doom in the comics the reader watches them wade through armies of robots to even get to his castle. These FF hit him with fire hydrant blasts at the local bus stop. This Doom is not the driven untouchable maniac version that made him worthy to return to fight Marvel's First Family for 40 years.
This Doom was EASILY DEFEATED. And the victory feels hollow and small.
So the villain shouldn't have been a Goblin rip-off, and the FF shouldn't have felt like X-Men rip-offs. Cause they did.
Comic book FF are a close-knit but flawed family of wealthy and benevolent adventurers who save the world daily and travel the stars, time, and other dimensions.
Movie FF are a handful of disconnected, disaffected rebels and outcasts afraid of the changes in their bodies and afraid to leave their building. In short, they act more like the X-Men.
The X-Men have their schtick, and I don't begrudge them one damn bit. Movie X-Men and movie Spidey did right by their comic characters, fully capturing teenage angst and confusion.
The FF are something else altogether, and their movie didn't get it.
The FF are a moral, fundamentaly NORMAL family who happen to have superpowers. (Like the Incredibles). Their stories should encompass imaginative adventures, colorful space battles and putting the kids to bed at night.
In the comics origin I don't remember Reed or Sue ever taking one second to be scared of their abilities, wonder how they happened or try to CURE themselves. They INSTANTLY set out to save the world. Why? Because they were adults. They weren't mopey teenagers. Ben and Johnny? O.K., fine Ben was mopey, and Johnny was a crazy kid. But Reed and Sue were the parental characters and they didn't have to struggle in the same ways.
The FF comic was best under Stan Lee, John Byrne, Mark Waid, and J. M. Straczynski.
Why aren't comic book writers such as these or Peter David (my favorite) being tapped to write screenplays? Why is the FF screenplay from a guy who wrote '6 million dollar man'?
I won't take it back. Writing is the main problem here.
The effects are good, the actors have all been brilliant in other things. Reed good, Ben good, even Johnny and Sue were o.k. The material was lamer than it needed to be, and I blame the writer.
Having seen the trailer for Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, I had to restrain myself from giggling like a schoolgirl because VISUALLY it looks freakin' amazin'.
But I checked the internet and the writer is the same.
For God's sake, why? Give someone good a chance.
Stan created the FF as a middle-aged man writing what HE wanted to see in comics and blazed a trail to realism in the medium: heroes with feet of clay without secret identities. His cameo as Willy Lumpkin bringing bills instead of the comics' traditional fan mail was a hoot.
Unfortunately a lot of the picture felt like bills instead of fan mail.
Why do writers think the origin should be the whole movie? They wasted a lot of the first 'Spider-Man', and almost all of the 'FF' just bringing the audience up to speed. Now, by contrast, I have no idea HOW the Incredibles got their powers and it doesn't matter for a second.
I wish the rumor I heard from my buddy Kirk had been true: that the FF movie was going to start like the Beatles' 'Help!': with the FF already established as media sensations and well into some wacky adventure. Because it falls a little flat in the movie: Ben saves ONE firetruck which HE endangered and suddenly New York loves them? Far cry from saving the world from an alien Skrull invasion like the comics. THAT buys you some public acclaim.
Also, gimme a Skrull invasion. And I don't wanna see Doom again unless it's at the head of a robot army.
Stop thinking small and give the audience a little credit. And a clever line of dialogue here and there, something quotable. Be more faithful to the source material, not the other Marvel movies.
The FF should remind us of the family ideal, kind, helpful, close-knit, loving.
Yes, be angsty X-Men when you're teenagers, but when it's time to grow up gimme the comic book Fantastic Four any day.

Next, I stop complaining for a moment and tell you about stuff that makes me happy as a squid on Tuesday.

They can be a great people, Kal-El. They wish to be

O.K., so it's 1979 (or 2001 retcon time) and you're Superman as portrayed by handsome, heroic, charming Chris Reeve (or handsome Brandon Routh retcon). You've just defied your alien daddy and made him turn you mortal so you can sex up your beloved Lois Lane as played by the pretty, spunky, delightful Margot Kidder (or pretty Kate Bosworth retcon).
With me so far?
Fabulous Kryptonian crystal technology has taken your overwhelming superpowers away and about 8 seconds later you're (without a condom) losing what is presumably your super-virginity to the LOVE OF YOUR LIFE. The "ONE". The woman you previously CHANGED TIME to save.
All good? You bet your super-butt.
Good thing you took advantage, too, because soon everything is back to status quo and with a super-kiss to erase her memory (?!?) you're back on the job.
Now, sometime within the next month Earth guys at their telescopes announce they've discovered the location of Krypton. Your exploded homeworld.
Do you shrug and say: Oh, so THAT'S where it was. Too bad it's still EXPLODED. What's on t.v.?
Do you achingly and angstily WISH you could abandon your responsibilities to travel the stars alone?
NO. Apparently you build or get your dad to build a spaceship and take an unannounced 5-year round trip to CHECK that Krypton is still exploded and deadly poisonous to you.
Yup.
Fortunately, no super-villain destroyed the Earth while you were gone. Luthor, Brainaic, Zod and Richard Pryor never undertook any mischief to threaten humanity and the only people affected by the disappearance of Superman were your worried mom and friends.
Oh, and the knocked-up love of your life, who has sensibly found someone else to care for her and her head-scratcher of a kid.
Plus before you left one of the last things you said to her was that you'd never leave her.
Now you make a movie and YOU are the HERO.
Am I supposed to LIKE you?
Listen, I KNOW I've got unreasonably high standards. I'm a comic book fan. Like many of my ilk, I have severe Daddy issues. Like many of the poor schmoes in my culture I'm crying out for a hero and comic book Superman is supposedly one of the greatest.
So that's why "Superman Returns" sucked buttock from Premise One: I cannot and will not hero-worship a Dead-Beat dad.
How could he know she was pregnant, you ask? Consider for a moment that he has X-Ray and microscopic vision. If he couldn't wait for a pregnancy test it would've taken a GLANCE at his lover to determine her condition.
She is HIS WORLD. She is not secondary to a visit to his thousand-years-dead biological parent's grave. He is a stand up guy. He doesn't slink off because 'saying good-bye is too hard'.
If Batman or James Bond pulled that shit I'd shrug and say it was par for the course. They're flawed heroes whose dead daddies matter more to them than any girl they've boinked.
But it's SUPERMAN. In the comics you'd NEVER catch Superman making that mistake.
And it's a mistake with serious consequences.
This half-assed movie has a confused five-year old boy KILLING a thug with his super-strength. Severe emotional damage to that kid. Severe damage to the thug, too.
Happened because daddy wasn't there to teach this guy how to handle his abilities.
What DOES daddy do?
He whispers Kryptonian platitudes in the boy's room at night. He mumbles to the mother of his child "I... I'll be around."
You movie makers: writers, editors, directors, actors and all should be EMBARRASSED to turn out a piece of this calibre.
"Batman & Robin" embarrassed.
"Fantastic Four" embarrassed!
Except Spacey, Posey, and the CG animators. Kudos!
Frankly, if the whole flick had been a half-hour silent film with just the CG Superman catching crashing planes I would've clapped my hands with glee like a child and left the thing alone as an entertaining afternoon.
Turning Superman into a sulky dillhole and Lois into a helpless mooning moron left a bad taste in my mouth for months.
Superman is meant to stand for the Christian values Christianity itself keeps fucking up. I feel there's nothing wrong with being a good father, and Superman had two dads who taught him better. Jonathan Kent and Marlon Brando... I mean Jor-El.

Up next... the Fantastic Four movie. Threat or menace?