SCIENCE FICTION DOUBLE FEATURE: Savage Planet & The Lost Future

Before my OCD got the better of me and I started devoting unreasonable wads of my time to this blog's Star Trek-themed sister blog (www.beyondthefarthestblog.blogspot.com) I used to have more time on my hands.

Time to watch whatever essentially free claptrap the SPACE channel has to offer. Don't get me wrong. If there was only one channel, and it was the SPACE channel, I'd probably be O.K. with that. (Everything else being available online and in DVD stores and all.)

But sometimes it means a day like yesterday.

Savage Planet is a 2006 Sci Fi Channel original movie. Sorry, "original" and "movie" should be in air quotes. It's dreadful. Don't watch it. Not even for free like I did. I could barely tolerate it and my threshold for worthless schlock garbage is staggeringly high.

See, in 2068, with the Earth just about out of air, a grab-bag of jerks and corporate slime-balls teleport to Planet Oxygen to track down more oxygen. That's not a joke, it's called Planet Oxygen. With me so far?

Now they must contend with lovely Canadian scenery and stock footage of mildly annoyed brown bears, which unconvincingly knock their blocks off and guts out. It's like the cheapest episode of Stargate you ever saw, mixed with Jurassic Yogi Bear Park. I would've just deleted it from the PVR, but since Wikipedia and IMDB refused to spoil the ending for me and let me bow out early (OCD, remember?), I'll spoil it for you in case you ignored my warning:

Young Indiana Jones and Erica's Partner from 'Being Erica' (both above this sort of material) are the only survivors, and instead of oxygen they bring home a can of goop that re-grows all their damaged tissue. What good is regenerating if you can't breathe, I ask you? Well, my wife pointed out that maybe the guy regenerated with gills. It was the most logical thing I'd heard in an hour and a half.

The Lost Future is a 2010 SyFy Channel movie (those are pretty stupid 'y's, by the by). What was wrong with Sci Fi Channel? In MY DAY (sorry, MyDy) we didn't think poor literacy was kewl.

Poor literacy is the problem for failing humankind in this adventure, which after the first one was much more acceptable. Certainly it got off to a good start with a convincing CGI sloth-mutant attack on the jungle men and women of One Million A.D. (or thereabouts). Watch out, 'cause a scratch from sloth's claws turns one into a slavering Lord of the Rings orc! Do not attempt! It's not as fun as it sounds! The jungles are full of these orc-wolf hordes, with the jumping ability of the Morlocks in the most recent 'Time Machine' movie.

Sean Bean came along on a raft ride with interchangeable pretty boys seeking the cure for all this were-wolfiness: Yellow MacGuffin Powder. An Alan Rickman-a-like has said powder in his decayed city. No hobbits are in evidence, sadly.

It's not possible to take it as seriously as some other post-apocalyptic movies (like Book of Eli, where, again, the moral of the story is literacy) but it's no worse than an extremely inexpensive Waterworld. Plus it's mercifully shorter than the Riverworld adaptation I saw last year. Also I respect writer Diane Duane. Just saying it's not a total loss if that's your thing.

That's SF wilderness survival films starring guys named Sean for you. You're welcome, Canada. READ A BOOK!

My Favourite Characters: Gangster G-Man

First created, written, and drawn in 1942 by Jack Cole for Quality Comics (later acquired by DC Comics) Woozy Winks is my man of the hour.

Appearing alongside the hero of 'Plastic Man' comics in the early 40's, (and as recently as my beloved cartoon Batman The Brave & The Bold) Woozy is a clown stooge, kind of an extra-bewildered Hardy or Costello. It seems Plastic Man was not ludicrous enough on his own, so a duo they became. The rubber man and the rudderless man.

Manifesting the adage "fate protects fools", the indigent Woozy Winks rescues a drowning soothsayer with the most minimal effort possible and is granted the boon of the protection of mother nature. No one can do Woozy a fatal harm, and it's difficult even to hold him against his will.

However, Woozy Wink's will is so weak he took a coin toss for his moral compass.

It is only when Plastic Man apprehends him in an ill-conceived money-making scheme to saw the arms off a sculptor that Woozy ends up opting instead for the life of an unrequested sidekick. Plastic Man is something of a sucker for second chances and redemption, so he accepts Woozy's parole, friendship, and "help".

Great contrast when drawn together: fat and slim, grounded and unearthly, puny and powerful. The bumbling gangster who'd rather make good as a G-Man. Provided there's somethin' in it for him. Woozy Winks can be counted upon to stumble into any murder mystery, fumble into servitude to a den of Nazi collaborators, buy any bogus treasure map, or pick the unnecessary pocket. A loyal friend on the up and square, provided someone is constantly supervising him.

Many thanks and hours of enjoyment for the loan of these antique but fresh and delightful darkly comic comics goes out from yours truly to Doctor Teeth. Please enjoy his Scotch and Comics podcast, or I shall provide you with a punch up the hooter.

Comic Review: DC The New 52

Nothing like being on the cutting edge and having the pulse of the comic book community. Indeed, I am nothing like that.

Six months since the relaunch, and what do I have to show for it? Not this massive hardcover comic book collection, with all 52 #1 issues crammed inside, that's for sure.

That I had to borrow.

I gave thumbs up to Justice League International, Justice League Dark, Aquaman, Firestorm, Mr. Terrific, Superman, Batman, Batwoman, Batgirl, Batman & Robin, Birds of Prey, Green Lantern Corps, Green Lantern New Guardians, Swamp Thing, Animal Man, Frankenstien: Agent of S.H.A.D.E., Resurrection Man, Demon Knight, Storm Watch, OMAC, All-Star Western, Static Shock, Blue Beetle, Legion of Super Heroes, and Legion Lost.

28 thumbs down to Justice League, Wonder Woman, Flash, Captain Atom, Green Arrow, Savage Hawkman, Deadman, Action Comics, Superboy, Supergirl, Detective Comics, Batman The Dark Knight, Batwing, Catwoman, Nightwing, Red Hood and the Outlaws, Green Lantern, Red Lantern, I- Vampire, Grifter, Voodoo, Death Stroke, Suicide Squad, Black Hawks, Men of War, Teen Titans, & last and least Hawk & Dove.

First, the overall mandate and tone is not to my taste. It's vile, grisly, sexist, and pandering. But it's got plenty of bad points too. Like over half the writing.

Hawkman was emblematically wrong-headed. If an amnesiac immortal with metal claws tearing out of his flesh sold comics... oh, I get it now. I just wish they'd put "Wolverine" on the cover so I could ignore it more.

Who thought ELEVEN Bat-titles was not excessive? Who wants Jason Todd alive, let alone a lead character? Why is Wonder Woman so stab-happy? When did Starfire become a dead-eyed sperm reclamation facility? How come all organizations with more than ten people are covert, evil, and practice torture? Where should I send the anthrax for ending the marriages of Clark & Lois, or Barry & Iris?

Second, major praise to the artists. Not Hawk & Dove or the Jae Lee impersonators, but credit where credit is due: these people serve their material well.

Third, I love complaining, so why are some of them unexpected surprises? Why would I like Justice League Dark (and I really did)? Or be so disinterested in Green Lantern (tired of Sinestro already)? How do you make Teen Titans unappealing (enjoy Tiny Titans instead)? And in what parallel world do I like Resurrection Man?

Finally, the format. Who would buy this? It's nearly 180 bucks. It's a brick. Too big to cart around, too heavy for a standard nerd to hold up to his sunken eyes. It's only good for smashing windows and editors. It'll still be single issues, light trades, and weightless digital comics for me, I'm afraid.

"The New 52" makes me weep for the future. But there are two dozen issues I didn't dislike. A handful I'm even buying. And if losing Lois and Iris stings, Mr. Terrific seems to be schtupping Power Girl, so it's not all bad.

The Hugos: Ender's Game

1986's Hugo winner merely proves what I have always known: I love 1986.

When I was 10, everything was perfect in the world of TV, film, and fiction. If my own actual life was a never-ending sinkhole full of crap- what of it?

I was never there: I was inside books.

This book wasn't one of them, not at that time. But during my Hugo reading in my adult life I rarely turned up a story I liked better.

I give Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card the ultimate 5 stars out of 5.

Ender Wiggin is six years old, and a whiz in the skills required to kill Formics (an insectoid alien species bent on Earth's destruction). Those skills include being able to play video combat games the best of all. Bullied by the other students at Battle School, Ender nevertheless perseveres and thrives to become Earth's savior, executioner, and pawn in a final epic space battle.

It's very black and white, very simplistic. Exactly the sort of morals I was issued with. But of course, there is so much more to the problem. Earth's hero is merely another kind of victim, a soldier drip-fed only as much information as is necessary, and only from a human point of view.

There's a less forgiving but perfectly valid take on Ender's Game from Ryan. (That it is no more or less than a disturbing adolescent power fantasy.)

My great fondness for this story does not negate my disagreement with some of what the author personally believes. Card is the descendant of Brigham Young, second prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. As such, he is vocally and financially opposed to legalizing gay marriage.

For a man whose books asked me to take a hard look at the Other Guy and see him as something besides an enemy, and especially to ask ourselves to REALLY question what our authorities have told us since our births, that feels, just to me, like a smidgen of hypocrisy. I'm just sayin'.

Lord knows I've never met the guy. He's probably nice. He looks nice. His books are certainly powerful. I want to like him. Or understand him, at least.

And I DO want to see his movie next year or soon. I just DON'T want any of my ticket money to end up forcing two boys to stop kissing.

Book Review: The Nerdist Way

I didn't think it was possible. Nothing since school used to make me exercise has EVER made me want to exercise.

This heady combination of geeky humour, indefatigable optimism, and exuberant cursing is amazing. Or to use the vernacular: AMAZEBALLS.

Chris Hardwick of G4 Tech TV and Web Soup speaks exactly my language and I'd like to own this as an e-book for future reference.

"The Nerdist Way" was in the bookstore humour section, but it was also a surprisingly insightful life guide. Likening oneself to a role-playing or video game character and gaining experience to improve one's lot is preferable to the bilge I have had filtered to me about so-called self-help books where the UNIVERSE hands out wishes. No offence.

While the Universe may not be actively malevolent, I have a hard time believing it doles out blessings and splendour to the people who pray the hardest. Sorry.

Focusing one's obsessive behaviour on tricking your brain into helping you make better choices? That I can believe. Incremental change and planning? Sounds about right. And I'm inspired because it worked for the author first.

More than anything, (and there's a lot of clever thoughts in this) I wanted to hear: 'Go easy on yourself'.

Not as in, 'let yourself slide' but as in 'take a break from self-loathing'. Call a halt to attacking yourself from inside. That's DISTURBINGLY GOOD ADVICE.

The man's like a foul-mouthed wizard. Way to be, dude!

If you're a nerd, read this book. If you like to laugh, also read this book. Otherwise, well, still read this book, but with an ironic sneer of disdain. That'll show them!

Things I Pretend To Notice: 2011 Book Round-Up

As the year draws to a close I am eager to pare down. No, not my middle-age paunch, but my expansive collection of DVDs and Books (the Paper DVDs)!

Sometimes when I try this, I discover I like everything I own and I want to let nothing go to trades or donations. And that's o.k., too. I can be that horrible junk-covered harridan from Jim Henson's 'Labyrinth' if I want.

I looked back at goodreads.com and discovered that (including super-short books like 'Go The F To Sleep' and Weird Al's 'When I Grow Up') I read 153 books this year. That's a lot for some people, a mere book snackwich for others.

I've never measured it before. I feel mildly disappointed and I wanted to mention five that felt like accomplishments or made a real impression.

5) 'Norstrilia' by Cordwainer Smith is a fun SF adventure tale. It simplified the way I define evil in my own head- suggesting that humans are only evil when they are bored or scared. That felt really true to me, you know? It makes evil feel like it can be fought.

4) 'Earth The Book' by John Stewart and Company was most amusing and reminds me how little I know about anything.

3) David Mack's 'Star Trek Destiny' trilogy, for better or worse, was so enjoyable I started an obsessive Star Trek reviewing project that derailed this very blog in favor of its sister blog and ate a DEVASTATING amount of my spare time since September. I'm... grateful? I guess? Damn it all to hell.

2) 'The Singularity is Near: When Humans Transcend Biology' by Ray Kurzweil did my noggin in. Turns out there's a way to be extremely optimistic about the future without belief in God's intervention. Or putting that aside, Science might be about to make everything a whole lot better for everybody, whether you believe in it or not.

1) 'Mort' by Terry Patchett. I owe my BFF Bookmonkey great thanks for the loan of the Discworld books, and this was my favourite so far. If that Singularity is never forthcoming, then I pray meeting Death will be for the best. Or good for a laugh.

The forests of the Vasta Nerada won't need to be leveled on my account- I'm sliding inexorably into a paperless reading experience that renders my "paper DVDs" quip meaningless...

I'm saying I am loving my birthday eReader, a gift from my sweet lady wife.

Peace, long life, and great reads to you all in your new year!

Movie Review: The Muppets

I saw it this afternoon in a virtually deserted theatre. A couple, a bearded singleton, a dad and his noisy, stomping tots. If I start with complaining ($14 dollars for parking!! My fingers ache! Aren't the Muppets dead?) it becomes apparent I'm pretty much both Statler and Waldorf already.

So thank you to everybody involved with "The Muppets" for dancing, singing, and smiling past my layers of crusty cynicism for a blast of fun. I needed that, and you guys and gals brought it.

Steve Whitmire- Kermit The Frog for the majority of my life. Brings nostalgia home hard and tender and tragic and beautiful. Always a romantic, always a dreamer, and always forced to be the realist in a barnyard crapstorm of chaos. Will Kermit carry the day?

Jason Segel & Amy Adams- adorable as Gary and Mary. Will their love survive... The Muppet Show?

Bret McKenzie- my fellow 35 year old, whose music, as always, is sheer delight. Is he Man, or is he Muppet?

Dave Goelz- still my favourite Not-Much-Like-a-Turkey alien.

Rashida Jones- the straight-shooting CDE TV executive Veronica whose ratings charts prove you can't go home again. Are you going to finish that latte?

Chris Cooper- evil Tex Richman, humorless oil tycoon. Is it as thankless job as it looks to be scary standing next to Uncle Deadly?

And Peter Linz- who plays Walter, the Anything Muppet in the midst of realizing himself.

Walter is the Muppet's biggest fan (for all the good it does him) and his love and devotion may be all that can bring the floundering Muppets together again. Can they find a celebrity to raise them from obscurity and raise $10 million to save their derelict theatre?

And why does nobody ever notice Hobo Joe?

To the most salient question: can devoted fans of the original cast see their way clear to accepting the newbies? I think some will. Gene Roddenberry's dead but the Star Trek reboot film was deservedly successful. Though the Muppets are even more the emotional brainchild of Jim Henson's toil, and though his too-early death was deeply tragic, I see no reason to bury the Muppets with him like some tyrant Pharaoh's powerless slaves. Jason Segel's story CLEARLY comes from a place of great veneration and love. I hope he makes a mint, because it's obvious the man loves these ping-pong balls on socks like the beloved characters they are to so many.

The biggest coup will be somehow pleasing that wide, jaded middle ground between the tykes and the aged. I'm not sure this film will work for everyone. But it sure does for me. I laughed out loud. I cried a little. I clapped. It was like a (kind of) torture.

When my wife returns from her adventures in the city where they filmed it, I hope we can see it together. To paraphrase the small green one: She makes me happy, now and forever.