Mike's Best Blog Ever

My Favorite Characters: Gangster G-Man

2012-02-16T14:34:00.000-08:00

First created, written, and drawn in 1942 by Jack Cole for Quality Comics (later acquired by DC Comics) Woozy Winks is my man of the hour.

Appearing alongside the hero of 'Plastic Man' comics in the early 40's, (and as recently as my beloved cartoon Batman The Brave & The Bold) Woozy is a clown stooge, kind of an extra-bewildered Hardy or Costello. It seems Plastic Man was not ludicrous enough on his own, so a duo they became. The rubber man and the rudderless man.

Manifesting the adage "fate protects fools", the indigent Woozy Winks rescues a drowning soothsayer with the most minimal effort possible and is granted the boon of the protection of mother nature. No one can do Woozy a fatal harm, and it's difficult even to hold him against his will.

However, Woozy Wink's will is so weak he took a coin toss for his moral compass.

It is only when Plastic Man apprehends him in an ill-conceived money-making scheme to saw the arms off a sculptor that Woozy ends up opting instead for the life of an unrequested sidekick. Plastic Man is something of a sucker for second chances and redemption, so he accepts Woozy's parole, friendship, and "help".

Great contrast when drawn together: fat and slim, grounded and unearthly, puny and powerful. The bumbling gangster who'd rather make good as a G-Man. Provided there's somethin' in it for him. Woozy Winks can be counted upon to stumble into any murder mystery, fumble into servitude to a den of Nazi collaborators, buy any bogus treasure map, or pick the unnecessary pocket. A loyal friend on the up and square, provided someone is constantly supervising him.

Many thanks and hours of enjoyment for the loan of these antique but fresh and delightful darkly comic comics goes out from yours truly to Doctor Teeth. Please enjoy his Scotch and Comics podcast, or I shall provide you with a punch up the hooter.

Comic Review: DC The New 52

2012-02-09T14:32:00.000-08:00

Nothing like being on the cutting edge and having the pulse of the comic book community. Indeed, I am nothing like that.

Six months since the relaunch, and what do I have to show for it? Not this massive hardcover comic book collection, with all 52 #1 issues crammed inside, that's for sure.

That I had to borrow.

I gave thumbs up to Justice League International, Justice League Dark, Aquaman, Firestorm, Mr. Terrific, Superman, Batman, Batwoman, Batgirl, Batman & Robin, Birds of Prey, Green Lantern Corps, Green Lantern New Guardians, Swamp Thing, Animal Man, Frankenstien: Agent of S.H.A.D.E., Resurrection Man, Demon Knight, Storm Watch, OMAC, All-Star Western, Static Shock, Blue Beetle, Legion of Super Heroes, and Legion Lost.

28 thumbs down to Justice League, Wonder Woman, Flash, Captain Atom, Green Arrow, Savage Hawkman, Deadman, Action Comics, Superboy, Supergirl, Detective Comics, Batman The Dark Knight, Batwing, Catwoman, Nightwing, Red Hood and the Outlaws, Green Lantern, Red Lantern, I- Vampire, Grifter, Voodoo, Death Stroke, Suicide Squad, Black Hawks, Men of War, Teen Titans, & last and least Hawk & Dove.

First, the overall mandate and tone is not to my taste. It's vile, grisly, sexist, and pandering. But it's got plenty of bad points too. Like over half the writing.

Hawkman was emblematically wrong-headed. If an amnesiac immortal with metal claws tearing out of his flesh sold comics... oh, I get it now. I just wish they'd put "Wolverine" on the cover so I could ignore it more.

Who thought ELEVEN Bat-titles was not excessive? Who wants Jason Todd alive, let alone a lead character? Why is Wonder Woman so stab-happy? When did Starfire become a dead-eyed sperm reclamation facility? How come all organizations with more than ten people are covert, evil, and practice torture? Where should I send the anthrax for ending the marriages of Clark & Lois, or Barry & Iris?

Second, major praise to the artists. Not Hawk & Dove or the Jae Lee impersonators, but credit where credit is due: these people serve their material well.

Third, I love complaining, so why are some of them unexpected surprises? Why would I like Justice League Dark (and I really did)? Or be so disinterested in Green Lantern (tired of Sinestro already)? How do you make Teen Titans unappealing (enjoy Tiny Titans instead)? And in what parallel world do I like Resurrection Man?

Finally, the format. Who would buy this? It's nearly 180 bucks. It's a brick. Too big to cart around, too heavy for a standard nerd to hold up to his sunken eyes. It's only good for smashing windows and editors. It'll still be single issues, light trades, and weightless digital comics for me, I'm afraid.

"The New 52" makes me weep for the future. But there are two dozen issues I didn't dislike. A handful I'm even buying. And if losing Lois and Iris stings, Mr. Terrific seems to be schtupping Power Girl, so it's not all bad.

The Hugos: Ender's Game

2012-02-05T09:01:00.000-08:00

1986's Hugo winner merely proves what I have always known: I love 1986.

When I was 10, everything was perfect in the world of TV, film, and fiction. If my own actual life was a never-ending sinkhole full of crap- what of it?

I was never there: I was inside books.

This book wasn't one of them, not at that time. But during my Hugo reading in my adult life I rarely turned up a story I liked better.

I give Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card the ultimate 5 stars out of 5.

Ender Wiggin is six years old, and a whiz in the skills required to kill Formics (an insectoid alien species bent on Earth's destruction). Those skills include being able to play video combat games the best of all. Bullied by the other students at Battle School, Ender nevertheless perseveres and thrives to become Earth's savior, executioner, and pawn in a final epic space battle.

It's very black and white, very simplistic. Exactly the sort of morals I was issued with. But of course, there is so much more to the problem. Earth's hero is merely another kind of victim, a soldier drip-fed only as much information as is necessary, and only from a human point of view.

There's a less forgiving but perfectly valid take on Ender's Game from Ryan. (That it is no more or less than a disturbing adolescent power fantasy.)

My great fondness for this story does not negate my disagreement with some of what the author personally believes. Card is the descendant of Brigham Young, second prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. As such, he is vocally and financially opposed to legalizing gay marriage.

For a man whose books asked me to take a hard look at the Other Guy and see him as something besides an enemy, and especially to ask ourselves to REALLY question what our authorities have told us since our births, that feels, just to me, like a smidgen of hypocrisy. I'm just sayin'.

Lord knows I've never met the guy. He's probably nice. He looks nice. His books are certainly powerful. I want to like him. Or understand him, at least.

And I DO want to see his movie next year or soon. I just DON'T want any of my ticket money to end up forcing two boys to stop kissing.

Book Review: The Nerdist Way

2012-01-12T13:54:00.000-08:00

I didn't think it was possible. Nothing since school used to make me exercise has EVER made me want to exercise.

This heady combination of geeky humour, indefatigable optimism, and exuberant cursing is amazing. Or to use the vernacular: AMAZEBALLS.

Chris Hardwick of G4 Tech TV and Web Soup speaks exactly my language and I'd like to own this as an e-book for future reference.

"The Nerdist Way" was in the bookstore humour section, but it was also a surprisingly insightful life guide. Likening oneself to a role-playing or video game character and gaining experience to improve one's lot is preferable to the bilge I have had filtered to me about so-called self-help books where the UNIVERSE hands out wishes. No offence.

While the Universe may not be actively malevolent, I have a hard time believing it doles out blessings and splendour to the people who pray the hardest. Sorry.

Focusing one's obsessive behaviour on tricking your brain into helping you make better choices? That I can believe. Incremental change and planning? Sounds about right. And I'm inspired because it worked for the author first.

More than anything, (and there's a lot of clever thoughts in this) I wanted to hear: 'Go easy on yourself'.

Not as in, 'let yourself slide' but as in 'take a break from self-loathing'. Call a halt to attacking yourself from inside. That's DISTURBINGLY GOOD ADVICE.

The man's like a foul-mouthed wizard. Way to be, dude!

If you're a nerd, read this book. If you like to laugh, also read this book. Otherwise, well, still read this book, but with an ironic sneer of disdain. That'll show them!

Things I Pretend To Notice: 2011 Book Round-Up

2011-12-30T14:08:00.000-08:00

As the year draws to a close I am eager to pare down. No, not my middle-age paunch, but my expansive collection of DVDs and Books (the Paper DVDs)!

Sometimes when I try this, I discover I like everything I own and I want to let nothing go to trades or donations. And that's o.k., too. I can be that horrible junk-covered harridan from Jim Henson's 'Labyrinth' if I want.

I looked back at goodreads.com and discovered that (including super-short books like 'Go The F To Sleep' and Weird Al's 'When I Grow Up') I read 153 books this year. That's a lot for some people, a mere book snackwich for others.

I've never measured it before. I feel mildly disappointed and I wanted to mention five that felt like accomplishments or made a real impression.

5) 'Norstrilia' by Cordwainer Smith is a fun SF adventure tale. It simplified the way I define evil in my own head- suggesting that humans are only evil when they are bored or scared. That felt really true to me, you know? It makes evil feel like it can be fought.

4) 'Earth The Book' by John Stewart and Company was most amusing and reminds me how little I know about anything.

3) David Mack's 'Star Trek Destiny' trilogy, for better or worse, was so enjoyable I started an obsessive Star Trek reviewing project that derailed this very blog in favor of its sister blog and ate a DEVASTATING amount of my spare time since September. I'm... grateful? I guess? Damn it all to hell.

2) 'The Singularity is Near: When Humans Transcend Biology' by Ray Kurzweil did my noggin in. Turns out there's a way to be extremely optimistic about the future without belief in God's intervention. Or putting that aside, Science might be about to make everything a whole lot better for everybody, whether you believe in it or not.

1) 'Mort' by Terry Patchett. I owe my BFF Bookmonkey great thanks for the loan of the Discworld books, and this was my favorite so far. If that Singularity is never forthcoming, then I pray meeting Death will be for the best. Or good for a laugh.

The forests of the Vasta Nerada won't need to be leveled on my account- I'm sliding inexorably into a paperless reading experience that renders my "paper DVDs" quip meaningless...

I'm saying I am loving my birthday eReader, a gift from my sweet lady wife.

Peace, long life, and great reads to you all in your new year!

Movie Review: The Muppets

2011-12-02T18:04:00.000-08:00

I saw it this afternoon in a virtually deserted theatre. A couple, a bearded singleton, a dad and his noisy, stomping tots. If I start with complaining ($14 dollars for parking!! My fingers ache! Aren't the Muppets dead?) it becomes apparent I'm pretty much both Statler and Waldorf already.

So thank you to everybody involved with "The Muppets" for dancing, singing, and smiling past my layers of crusty cynicism for a blast of fun. I needed that, and you guys and gals brought it.

Steve Whitmire- Kermit The Frog for the majority of my life. Brings nostalgia home hard and tender and tragic and beautiful. Always a romantic, always a dreamer, and always forced to be the realist in a barnyard crapstorm of chaos. Will Kermit carry the day?

Jason Segel & Amy Adams- adorable as Gary and Mary. Will their love survive... The Muppet Show?

Bret McKenzie- my fellow 35 year old, whose music, as always, is sheer delight. Is he Man, or is he Muppet?

Dave Goelz- still my favorite Not-Much-Like-a-Turkey alien.

Rashida Jones- the straight-shooting CDE TV executive Veronica whose ratings charts prove you can't go home again. Are you going to finish that latte?

Chris Cooper- evil Tex Richman, humorless oil tycoon. Is it as thankless job as it looks to be scary standing next to Uncle Deadly?

And Peter Linz- who plays Walter, the Anything Muppet in the midst of realizing himself.

Walter is the Muppet's biggest fan (for all the good it does him) and his love and devotion may be all that can bring the floundering Muppets together again. Can they find a celebrity to raise them from obscurity and raise $10 million to save their derelict theatre?

And why does nobody ever notice Hobo Joe?

To the most salient question: can devoted fans of the original cast see their way clear to accepting the newbies? I think some will. Gene Roddenberry's dead but the Star Trek reboot film was deservedly successful. Though the Muppets are even more the emotional brainchild of Jim Henson's toil, and though his too-early death was deeply tragic, I see no reason to bury the Muppets with him like some tyrant Pharaoh's powerless slaves. Jason Segel's story CLEARLY comes from a place of great veneration and love. I hope he makes a mint, because it's obvious the man loves these ping-pong balls on socks like the beloved characters they are to so many.

The biggest coup will be somehow pleasing that wide, jaded middle ground between the tykes and the aged. I'm not sure this film will work for everyone. But it sure does for me. I laughed out loud. I cried a little. I clapped. It was like a (kind of) torture.

When my wife returns from her adventures in the city where they filmed it, I hope we can see it together. To paraphrase the small green one: She makes me happy, now and forever.

Movie Review: Tower Heist

2011-11-06T07:46:00.000-08:00

It's a lazy Sunday, and if you have nothing to do but set your clocks back, why not see a great little comedy?

I saw a preview of Tower Heist with my wife and friends recently and enjoyed it so much more than I expected to from the so-so trailer I saw.

Ben Stiller plays a genuinely nice guy, a fastidious building manager who finds himself hatching a scheme to rob the secretly cruel despot Alan Alda and repay the poor serfs who toil beneath his penthouse.

Eddie Murphy is a riot as the more practical thief Stiller bails out to assist him.

Lots of laughs, some of my favorites came from sad-sack laid-off Matthew Broderick and safe-cracking, wise-cracking Gabourey Sidibe. And I'm impressed as ever by Tea Leoni. You know what? Great work all around.

It's a mark of distinction for me how loudly I heard my wife laughing throughout.

Please see a fine review at WISDOM OF BOOK MONKEY now.

Then treat yourself to a little comedy wish fulfillment from the emotional core that yearns for justice in matters of greed and brings us the Occupy Wall Street movement.

Do not give in to the desire to pirate the movie itself, despite the madcap robbery theme.

TV Review: Superboy, Episodes 1 & 2

2011-10-27T14:20:00.000-07:00

1988 saw the 50th anniversary of the creation of DC Comics' famous character Superman, and (not coincidentally) the first season of "Superboy" the TV series. I recently traded away some used DVDs including Ben Affleck's 'Daredevil' when, during an enjoyable Rifftrax evening with my wife and our friends, I discovered it was not worth re-watching 'Daredevil' as much as I already have.

The upshot of which is: I traded for various possible treasures, including "Superboy" Season 1.

Maybe I'm not sure how to use the term upshot. Then again... all it has to be, to be worth my time, is better than the wretched, long-running, inexplicably popular TV series 'Smallville'.

This it achieved- six seconds into the opening credits. The lead actor is IN costume, FLYING, and by gum: he's SMILING. It's the cocky smile of a guy thinking 'hur, hur, I'm Superboy, and you're not' but you know what? That's what I'd be doing if was him. So there.

It's goofy, it's cheap-ass, and it makes 'Miami Vice' look like fine classic cinema. But I'll tell you what it has: Superboy. This is both good and bad. But nowhere near as bad as "Smallville'.

Alexander Salkind (who previously brought me the 1984 'Supergirl' movie as well as some movies normal people liked) presents this series, with character creation credit (and little else) going to Jerry Siegel & Joe Shuster. In this incarnation, young Clark Kent is attending the Siegel Journalism School at Shuster College in Shusterville, Florida. His classmates include T.J. White (Daily Planet's Perry White's nephew, duh!) and Lana Lang (Stacey Haiduk, whom I recall fondly from equally implausible adventures on "SeaQuest DSV" Season 1). Haiduk's performance is as far above the 'Smallville' Lana as the star Rao is above doomed planet Krypton. High nerd praise.

Also along for the ride is scheming bully Lex Luthor and his crony Leo. I have never seen Luthor portrayed as a golf-sweatered preppie douche canoe before, but it kind of works for him. (Actually, the actor's terrible so far but he might be the smarmiest Luthor I've ever seen. That should count for something, right?)

Finally, John Haymes Newton as Clark Kent/Superboy. Huh. So, it's possible to look surprisingly LIKE Tom Welling, while still possessing a modicum of talent. Good on you, sir!

Also, Newton and his wife earlier this year provided the voices of Clark Kent and Lois Lane in a minute-long cartoon I just enjoyed on youtube called 'Superman Classic'. Nice!

And that's my review. Nice. Call me crazy, but I like a Nice Superboy, not some perpetual mope. These early episodes were made Super-Cheap, so kidnapping crooks, a poorly-defined cursed jewel, leisurely car chases and a typically energetic '80's dance have to suffice instead of giant robot battles (which, face it, 'Smallville' never gave us either). The music, the dialog, both stories- were pretty darn hokey. It's a poor substitute for Supes in comic or cartoon form, where he shines best in my books. 'Superboy', at least the early episodes, is a warm, brightly coloured cheeselog. But it's got moxie in spades, chums!

TV Review: Terra Nova

2011-10-04T14:14:00.000-07:00

I watched the pilot for 'Terra Nova' and the bottom line is: I have so few new SF choices I'm going to keep watching it. If I start to actively DISLIKE it... well, I'm never going to run out of cartoons and sitcoms, am I?

Chicago 2147 AD, a world on the verge of environmental collapse. Humanity is cut off from the sun and the moon and uh, oxygen. Perhaps oxygen deprivation helps explain some truly bizarre choices in this culture. The Shannons, Jim & Elizabeth, are a cop and a doctor who break the two-child law. Already blessed with demographically appealing Josh (15) and Maddie (13) they have kept Zoe (3) hidden until our story begins with government jackboots. Jim fights the Man and earns 6 years in jail.

Two years later, an exciting action-packed break out from future prison, followed by an action-packed break-in to The Tenth Pilgrimage. You see, Elizabeth and her legal kids were invited, Jim and Zoe were NOT. It's a voyage through a fracture in space-time to Terra Nova: a human colony 85 million years in the past. So, I gotta ask: apart from wanting to show us Jim is bad-ass, WHY?

Why split up families? What kind of colony doesn't want breeders? Why crowd your jails if you can dump your problem citizens down a time hole?

Well, it's a colony with problems, to be sure, and despite the dinosaurs outside the gates, most of them are human. Commander Nathaniel Taylor gives a speech about how greed, war, and ignorance destroyed their home. Now that it's a brand new beginning, he and all the other gun-toting soldiers have a second chance. My hypocrisy sense is tingling.

So, a splinter group with a nebulous agenda from the Sixth Pilgrimage are up to something, and they started their own gun-toting colony with uh... with blackjack... and hookers! Our group call them Sixers. To keep them distinct from Slashers, which are dinosaurs with sort of a certain slash-y quality.

I should mention that 'Primeval' spoiled me on what CGI creatures on a TV budget can look like, and these look a little... well, primitive.

While I'm picking nits, I should point out that if smarty-pants Maddy's dialog is to be believed, then the basis for believing this is a separate timeline from theirs (thus safe to step on butterflies in), is down to the fact that nobody in 2149 has yet found an 85 MILLION YEAR OLD basketball-sized probe. That's a hell of a supposition. Hey, they looked for it almost a month. Things to do, man!

"Control the Past, Control the Future." No shit, Sixer. How about, Save the Cheerleader, Save the World?

I'm a complainer, but I'm watching episode 2. I notice Star Trek veterans Rene Echevarria & Brannon Braga wrote it. Worth it? Sure, why not?

My Favorite Characters: His Heart is in His Head

2011-09-22T15:10:00.001-07:00

Six parsecs past the Hydra-Centaurus Supercluster there's a purple sun shining on the rubble where a planet of highly evolved beings once lived. 25 years ago, in the month of Nathinganger, Melmac exploded, but the cosmos' loss was Earth's gain.

Former Orbit Guard Gordon Shumway entered our atmosphere at Mach 16 on September 22, 1986. Ten years and many hundreds of thousands of unusual meals, wild schemes, and uproarious wisecracks later, the U.S. government named him ambassador to Earth. Most just call him ALF.

Some aliens boast phenomenal powers, while ALF boasts.

Kal-El of Krypton may have laser eyes, but ALF has a voice that can stun anyone unconscious.

E.T. may have a healing touch, but ALF touches us all with the healing power of laughter.

Most people only remember ALF as that obnoxious puppet that ate cats. I remember how he hoarded lint and played bouillabaisseball. I remember how he was ashamed when he learned his parents were married BEFORE he was conceived. I remember how he spent hours on the phone urging Ronald Reagan to stop making nukes. I remember how he figured a tow truck was full of toes. I remember how he played Sancho Panza in dinner theatre on Melmac and encouraged others to be their best. If their best was making him a pie, then who was he to argue?

I love what ALF taught me about Certainty and The Truth. In episode 24, "Weird Science" ALF helps young Brian Tanner with a school report. Thanks to ALF, Brian is scoffed at for declaring the existence of two planets beyond Pluto. (This was 1987, Pluto WAS still a planet.) ALF, known to exaggerate the truth particularly when honesty isn't as funny, is blamed, but meant no harm: he's BEEN there. His Rand McNally Guide to the Stars shows 9 planets and a lot of little rocks including Dave, Alvin, & Alvin Heights.

I was raised with a lot of Certainty about the fundamental nature of life. I've found there may be more to The Truth than any one person can handle, and too much certitude can get in the way of new discoveries.

ALF is seen here with Paul Fusco, a human of little consequence.

Fusco claims ALF: The Movie is a likelihood, but where The Smurfs was undoubtedly awful, ALF will be undoubtedly awful and I will love it so.

Thanks, ALF, for being that terrible show that was MY terrible show.

Book Review: The Lost City of Z

2011-09-21T13:57:00.002-07:00

** (2 stars out of 5)

I'm in a book club full of delightful nerds that meets at a reasonably priced local eatery each month, and this one was no exception. We read and discussed David Grann's 'The Lost City of Z'.

Non-fiction is not my usual read, and I wouldn't ever have explored this one on my own, but it's well-researched so I can't give it one star, even though I dearly want to. For me, it is a tenuous "O.K.".

LCoZ relates the tale of Col. Percy Fawcett, an ultra-manly jerk-off who vanished in the Amazon in the nineteen-twenties. He took his kid and about a hundred other people who went looking for them over the years with him to their horrible graves. Nice job, ass! Also, it's about the lost city he didn't find.

Spoilers: it's a mystery story that remains a mystery, and I really dislike that sort of thing. The only answers I got were: DON'T abandon your wife to hack your way through deadly bug-infested nothingness, DON'T enslave or genocide the locals, and El Dorado probably existed... but it was probably biodegradable.

I want to call this The Lost City of ZZZs- I fell asleep about a dozen times while reading it.

Since you are not me: why not? You're only going to lose your time, not your skin, sanity, or safety on a pointless quest for fortune and glory. If you're that interested, just watch Indiana Jones again... maybe the one with the aliens and nuclear explosion fridge and that Transformers kid.

TV Review: ALF episode 7 'Help Me, Rhonda'

2011-09-15T17:31:00.002-07:00

I am most grateful today for a PVR and Disney XD. They gave me something yesterday I hadn't seen since I was ten.

A little background. Next week marks the 25th Anniversary of a little NBC sitcom I like to call 'ALF'.

What do you mean, you don't remember it?

Well, nuts to you, because for me if was the best thing ever in the history of forever... until the ALF Animated Series came out.

Yes, I had friends! My love of this show just... drove them all away, that's all.

Neither here nor there. ALF was a very stupid sitcom about a sarcastic, narcissistic but well-intentioned glutton who is the last survivor of his exploded planet, rocketed to Earth where he... cannot leap tall buildings in a single bound and is mainly confined to the Tanner household in the L.A. suburbs. Sort of what would happen if Lucy Ricardo, E.T., and Superman were mushed together into an adorable furry couch potato full of wacky schemes. I say again, I LOVED it.

I watched it again in syndication about 10 years ago on the Family Channel where all was well until my buddy Bookmonkey spotted a frame from a (horrors!) EXCISED SCENE!

Whether for time, content, or deliberate, malicious sadism, they hacked a section out of episode 7. This has stuck in my craw ever since. All the more since it isn't on my ALF Season 1 DVD, either! It was seemingly lost for all time. I am a petty, small man, and I wanted that scene. What had it been?

I finally saw what I was missing yesterday. It was a treat called 'Help Me, Rhonda' from writers Tom Patchett & Lloyd Garver.

In his laundry basket under a map of the cosmos with a little red 'x' where one point of light had been, a 228-year-old alien is mired in the half-hour comedy version of soul-crushing depression and loneliness. ALF (Paul Fusco) regrets that a date he made with Rhonda (the furry girl of his dreams) never happened... what with all the nuclear devastation & subsequent extinction of their kind.

In an attempt to raise ALF's spirits, Willy Tanner (Max Wright) ALF's surrogate father/warden/apologist sends a plea to the heavens, specifically any meter high, eight-stomached, cat-munching ex-denizens of planet Melmac: a faint and plaintive distress signal in the form of a hit single by the Beach Boys.

Lo and behold, when all seems lost, a radio response: Bob Fappiano as the in-your-face space trucker Skip, ALF's buddy from his days in the Orbit Guard.

Skip's got the hammer down and headed for Andromeda, and he's not alone: Lisa Buckley's breathy Rhonda (with her Markie Post 1985 hair) assures ALF:

"You're the only one for me!"

So here it is. A mere three months into his extended involuntary stay on that Earth we know and love, ALF packs his bags for a new home.

I remain moved by the good-byes. Willy's impassioned "You've enriched our lives", Brian's hug, Lynn's tears. Kate's admonition to go to the bathroom before a long trip.

And so, by the logic of a sitcom, against all narrative flow and his best interest, against the best interest of an endangered species, his sex drive, his heart, and his stomachs, ALF chooses to delay his gratification, perhaps for centuries, and remains with the Tanner family. For as long as they need him.

It's a total change of premise, a shark leaped. It serves the needs of a series while distorting all reason. ALF becomes simultaneously the most loyal, devoted friend OF ALL TIME, and the worst, most inconsiderate house-guest OF ALL TIME. And a legend is born.

I was pleased to learn (after 25 years without this missing sequence) that not only did ALF's buddy Skip and Rhonda survive the big ker-blooey of planet Melmac, but so did Stella & Rick Fusterman. It seems they married and now own a tanning parlour on Mercury (nice place for it). This matters to exactly nobody: unless you loved all five of these odd little fuzzballs from their cartoon.

I'm more than a little disturbed by how happy the "lives" of a pair of ratty guest star comedy puppets made me. It was comparable to the thrill I had in 1996 when I spotted a listing for the "Project: ALF" special in TV Guide. After 6 years, a weight was lifted when I learned Gordon Shumway (ALF's discarded given name) had survived his capture by the U.S. government in the final minutes of his series. He landed on his feet, of course. Or on a cat.

Then, as now, I am both gleeful and shamed to be so invested in patent nonsense.

Happy birthday, ALF, friend of my youth.

My Favorite Characters: The Mastermind

2011-09-14T15:56:00.000-07:00

Nathan Ford blames the death of his son on the rich. As a former insurance investigator, he knows a little something about big business sticking it to the little guy.

He's lost it all, his job, his family, and even his self-respect to alcohol.

Now he's taking it all back from the powerful and the corrupt, with a plucky team of ne'er-do-wells who'll help the downtrodden by giving them... Leverage.

It's the A-Team again, which was Robin Hood again, but it's a smart, fun show and a phenomenal cast of crazy characters. The Hitter, The Grifter, The Hacker, The Thief... but it's the Mastermind who manages them, kind of like herding cats.

Nate keeps all the schemes straight and all the plates spinning, he helps the weak and he helps himself and his sticky-fingered little helpers help you.

Timothy Hutton is a great performer: I liked him in the movie 'Ordinary People', and I like him in this TV series a lot. By turns Nate is tragic, comic, menacing, harmless, funny romantic, and a little amazing.

Try some Leverage, you'll like it.

Comic Review: Batgirl #1

2011-09-12T16:50:00.000-07:00

DC Comics has launched 'THE NEW 52' which if you do not happen to be a comic geek means 52 new #1 comic book issues, some or all of which are brand new narratives. This means all y'all can jump right aboard and read a comic without knowing decades worth of classic super-hero back stories!

You know. If you have 52 times $2.99 to spend per month on comics. I'd do the math, but I'm lazy as well as broke.

My stupendous local comic store, Happy Harbor Comics, suckered me in with the cunning ploy that if I don't like them I get my money back. Well played, sirs.

I enjoyed Dan Jurgens' 'Justice League International #1', then I enjoyed 'Batgirl #1'. I already knew I liked Booster Gold, Guy Gardner, and company, but I was leery of the Bat title. I don't historically buy them... but, c'mon. It's Gail Simone!

Gail wrote Birds of Prey, The All-New Atom, Wonder Woman, the Wonder Woman cartoon movie, and 'The Mask of Matches Malone', a music-riffic episode of the 'Batman: The Brave & The Bold' cartoon. Yes, and mostly she won me over with her plentiful and gut-busting comic book-related tweets.

Ardian Syaf & Vicente Cifuentes deliver very fine interior art to supplement Adam Hughes' lovely cover. We start off with a grotesque and shocking murder: an unseen black-clad character who calls itself The Mirror accosts an elderly man who was the sole survivor of a sinking ship... and drowns him with his own garden hose. Then checks him off a list that includes...

Our heroine Barbara Gordon, former librarian, formerly wheel-chair bound, now miraculously back on her own two feet and fighting crime with "upper arm strength like a mother". No mention yet of what restored her spine from the Joker's bullet 'three years ago'. No hint whether she retains the history Gail & others wrote for her as Oracle (the super-hacker information guru to the costumed crowd that many readers know best.) Keep reading!

Batgirl's just moved out of her dad's place, foiled a home-invasion gang, and had to get somebody else to push a hospital's elevator button to accommodate her cumbersome bat-bike.

Now face to (face?) with The Mirror, she stares down his gun... and she freezes. Reliving her trauma- just long enough for The Mirror to kill again and escape.

I'm of the 'tights and flights' school rather than the 'crime and grime', but I'm taking this ride.

I Have Seen The Future: TGAGAAPP

2011-09-09T18:23:00.001-07:00

No, not a phonetic belch, but an abbreviation for Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place.

My love and I just saw a marathon from the 1998 sitcom staring the lovably amoral slacker Michael Bergen (hunky Ryan Reynolds) & his long-suffering pal Pete Dunville (likewise Richard Ruccolo).

Perhaps unsurprisingly, I didn't identify with either of Two Guys. Not even with Immaculate Chemicals apologist-with-bucks Sharon Carter (Traylor "A Girl" Howard). Really LIKED them... but didn't identify with them.

No, I'm afraid at heart I'm most like delusional Mr. Bauer (David "Awesome" Ogden Stiers).

I'm convinced that even with the best psychological treatments the coming decades have to offer, I'm going to finally complete my metamorphosis into a rambling lunatic who's convinced film experiences are his own.

I'll live out my life regaling bored onlookers with tales of my youth driving into Toschi Station to pick up some power converters. Or how grateful mega-industrialist and weapons dealer Jean-Baptiste Emmanuel Zorg wept in gratitude when I saved his life with the Heimlich maneuver. Or how I epitomized "coolness" as the loudly-beshirted teen maestro of Santo Domingo High. (Go, Flamingos!)

I'm just saying.

My Favorite Characters: Worst Lantern Ever

2011-09-07T15:44:00.000-07:00

Planet Korugar, located in space sector 1417 of the DC Comics multiverse, must once have been a lovely place. A trusting place. A place where reddish-magenta occasionally pointy-eared rarely big-headed people did ordinary Korugarian things... and nobody thought much of an archeologist joining the space police force of the Green Lanterns.

The devilish features, the vaguely Hitler-ish haircut, drawn in 1961 to resemble David Niven. Why would he turn on anybody? Who would ever suspect good old...

Then there's the name.

Sinestro.

That's not a give-away, right?

O.K., so it turns out over the decades that he's had a lot going on. He wasn't just a control freak ruling his planet with an all-powerful green energy fist.

He's not just a giant yellow boot stamping forever on a human face.

No, sir! Sinestro had a love (Arin Sur) and a daughter (Dr. Soranik Natu), and even a first name (Thaal, by the by).

Voiced by a dozen guys so far, with Mark Strong portraying him in the live-action 2011 film, I have a personal favorite whose voice I hear when I read Sinestro through the brightly coloured Lantern Wars and now that he's been forced back into the Green Corps once more.

Though all the performers I've heard have been their own brand of evil, there's none quite like John de Lancie in the Duck Dodgers spoof 'The Green Loontern'. Nuance-shmuance! The guy's a rat!

De Lancie's Sinestro is definitive. Cackling, moustache-twirling, cop-kidnapping, over-the-toppest fruitiest of the nutcakes. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

Catch the further adventures of that kooky Korugarian in a comic shop or download near you, as Geoff Johns explains what the do-dah-@#&% a fear-mongering genocidal jerkus is doing back in Green.

Star Wars is Brilliant so Shut Your Noise Holes

2011-09-03T14:41:00.000-07:00

Ewoks? Love 'em.

Jar Jar Binks? Love him.

Jabba the Hutt digitally inserted into 'A New Hope'? Love.

Jedi Rocks? I agree. If loving fuzzy Yuzzem singer Joh Yowsa's basso wails is wrong, I don't EVER want to be right.

I get it, Internet. The prequels stink of bantha poodoo, the originals (maybe only Empire, even) are golden manna showers from heaven, Lucas USED to be a genius, now he's a troll, how dare he...

Suffice it to say, I don't think you're drinking enough rageohol.

Now I read that the upcoming Star Wars Blu-Ray release is going to have MORE of this. More Biggs. More Sandstorm. More missing scenes. More aliens. More womp-rats. More changes!!!

And I gotta ask: what kind of Star Wars fans hate MORE Star Wars?

Making Wicket blink? Adorable. CG Yoda in 'Menace' instead of the so-so puppet? Palpable improvement. FORTY DAMN HOURS of special features? Including spoofs? What is not to like about this, folks?

Likening the tiny tweaks George makes in EVERY re-release to disasters, rapes, and tragedies galore with accompanying wailing and tooth gnashing seems a bizarre, overwrought reaction.

He's not taking a dump on his "masterpiece". He's adding fun to his awesome space flicks for kids- to make more money. If you don't like it, JUST DON'T BUY IT THIS TIME.

My favorite image in all this is from tweeter Phil Smith which said: "A few years ago George Lucas made and ate a sandwich. To this day he's still throwing pepper and mayonnaise down his throat to 'improve' it."

Granted. But I sincerely ADMIRE these little touches. Or touch-ups. The films (his films, by-the-by, not yours) are among the first to become like living organisms, manifesting something surprising every time they appear. If they come to the big screen again, I'd go. In a heartbeat. Or a Blargg's belch, if you prefer. And you don't.

Instead of wailing 'Nooooo!' just stick with the dusty old version that was your favorite, then pull your Boba Fett helmet over your head and bang on the sides until the new stuff goes away.

Or embrace change for a change.

Speaking of change, have you got any?

I might want a blu-ray player eventually...

Toon Review: Interstella 5555

2011-09-01T15:17:00.000-07:00

This is a hidden gem I found on youtube when I was searching for information about Daft Punk. They are awesome, by the by. Their album 'Discovery' is the heart of this film.

Interstella 5555 is a wild SF... narrative, I guess, or maybe more a music video with 105 minute running time. It is anything but a silent movie, but it's the epitome of 2003 animated coolness.

Gassed and kidnapped from a concert appearance on another world, a group of blue humanoid aliens are repurposed as human rock stars. Re-branded as "The Crescendolls" they are drummer Baryl, bassist Stella, keyboardist Octave, and guitarist Arpegius. They reach #1 hit status with 'One More Time' and reach new depths of misery in their earthly enslavement.

The Earl of Darkwood, himself an ancient alien, seeks conquest of the universe by harnessing the musically gifted to an infernal device... as you do.

Will music prevail? Find out.

I call this a beautiful little curiosity. I sometimes think I'm going to run out of sci-fantasy to really like, or that the crustier I become, the less I'll enjoy what remains. Well, that hasn't happened yet, friends.

My robot heart is breaking and my LED display eyes are moist with feeeelings.

Peace.

Ernest Albert McDevitt R.I.P

2011-08-30T10:54:00.000-07:00

You wouldn't know him. I knew him a little, and I was glad to.

My Grampa Ernie was not famous, but he was good.

Ernest Albert McDevitt Oct. 28, 1919-Aug. 24, 2011, was born in a farmhouse in Kessler, Alberta to Annie and Albert of Ireland. In the 20's and 30's (great time for it) he was a farmer. And a kid. In the 40's he was a welder for the gas company in Edmonton. In the 50's, 60's, and 70's he raised city kids with his wife Myrtle (married 51 years, how about that?)

In 1983 and for the remainder of his life he was a farmer again in Kessler. If you've eaten any Alberta wheat, rye, and/or canola since then there's a fair to middling chance my Grampa or my uncle Richard made that happen. So, you're welcome.

My grandfather was a business owner & a spiritual leader. He was father and eventually great-grandfather. He was a man of the earth and a lover of the beauty of nature.

He played a mean game of cribbage, he loved Zane Grey western novels, and he endeared himself to me in my selfish teen years by enjoying Babylon 5 beyond all my expectations.

His great Christian faith and his unquenchable work ethic are only to be admired.

Good-bye, Grampa.

The Finest Prime Minister We Never Had

2011-08-22T18:01:00.000-07:00

Love is Better Than Anger

Hope is Better Than Fear

Optimism is Better Than Despair

Jack Layton of the NDP has died and it's bummed me out: his party is the only one I've ever voted for and the results I saw were incremental, negligible, and at least I reserve the right to complain.

Even if you disagreed with Mr. Layton's politics (treating each other kindly, healing the sick, and saving the world and all) he was quite obviously a good guy in a job that corrupts them fast. He seemed utterly admirable and I therefore admired him greatly.

May Canada see his like again many times in the future. Or we won't have one to speak of.

My deepest sympathy to his family and loved ones.

Pretending To Notice: Humans Are Still Pretty Good

2011-08-19T14:39:00.000-07:00

I'm 99% sure things could be better, but what the hell:

You guys are great, and as I have no other options- humans it is!

This week I saw a great show at the Edmonton Fringe: Apocalypse Kow: SINGERers. I follow the blog of one of them guys: Dr. Teeth! Check it out, won't you? Also, you can buy the CDs of these charming minstrels for a nominal fee at their show. So... do that. I'll wait.

Oh, you're back already? It's famed dead humanist Gene Roddenberry's 90th birthday! Celebrate by creating groundbreaking SF TV! Or by kissing somebody outside your skin colour! Or just watch ANY random episode of Star Trek: you've got a 40-50% chance of liking it! (Enjoyment not guaranteed.)

I'm pleased to hear my friend Bookmonkey is on the mend after his recent bike accident. We're celebrating our 35th birthdays this weekend, and at 5 days older, I'M supposed to be the one sliding into decrepitude!

Make time this weekend for your families, loved ones, and species in general. Be excellent to each other!

The Hugos: Neuromancer

2011-08-09T14:02:00.001-07:00

Deep breaths.

Prepare to not be shocked.

Ready? It's not my taste. At all.

'Neuromancer', the 1984 novel by William Gibson that won the 1985 Hugo award (and was the first to win Nebula & Dick awards into the bargain) is VERY highly regarded by many as a pioneering book in the SF sub-genre now referred to as cyberpunk.

It tells a bleak, disjointed story about a dystopian future where various unsavory and damaged characters compete for money and survival, culminating in the activation of a sentient computer which will probably also grow up to be a giant ass-hat.

I gave it 2 stars out of 5, and that was mainly because I was pleased to hear Gibson was a Nam draft-dodger. Also because I prefer to go along with the crowd if I can, and the crowd LOVED this.

I could not find things to like about a single grim character in the humorless septic tank of this morality-free, jargon-crammed future. Probably WORSE is how forgettable the whole affair was: I've been reading Wikipedia and other people's reviews for an hour trying to spark a recollection of any kind! Sadly, what rubbed off was negativity. Although my swiss cheese memory was only backed by my OWN star review, I think I got the gist.

As in-

Lister: Some smegger filled out this 'Have You got a Good Memory' quiz!

Kryten: Yes, sir. YOU did. A week ago.

Lister: Have I?

Kryten: Yes, sir. Nobody else spells Thursday with an 'F'.

Gibson apparently wrote a short story about a character who voluntarily turns his back on 'The Gernsback Continuum' (named for the guy behind the Hugo award), a reality where the futurist visions of the 40s & 50s came true. Granted, a bunch of those visions were racist and/or hollow pie-in-the-sky nonsense, but give me a sexy gal with a jet pack in a shiny utopia above a metal-eyed crack-whore with a spinal plug in a back alley ANY DAMN DAY!

Call me shallow, but I loves me my escapist fiction. That said, I liked 'The Matrix' and even 'Johnny Mneumonic', movies that wouldn't exist without Gibson's unique vision. Also, I'll soon be reading Gibson & Sterling's 'The Difference Engine' for my bookclub, so I better buckle up my big boy steam-powered laser boots!

(I am clearly more cyberdisco than cyberpunk.)

It's A Habit-Forming Kind of Ecstacy

2011-08-07T10:02:00.000-07:00

I have known the name since 1987, read two of Adam Warren's comic trade paperbacks based on the series, and always been curious. But this weekend, I payed through the nose to get them at Animethon- and I have never regretted an anime purchase LESS.

Dirty Pair (buy yours at Rightstuf online, it was cheaper than ebay this morning) on DVD is exhilarating. It's amazing fun!

Based on the novels of sci-fi writer Haruka Takachiho (which I've never read but SURE want to now) and then maybe dumbed down or livened up for a cartoon (like I say, I've never read them, I'm just reading between the lines on the liner notes) it spins a kick-butt yarn of Kei and Yuri, agents for the World Welfare Works Association (sort of a heroes-for-hire) in the year 2140 on planet Esturl.

Codenamed 'Lovely Angels', Agents 234K & 234Y are more commonly referred to as 'Dirty Pair' because of their devastating record of casualties and damage in the pursuit of their eclectic assignments. No two missions are alike: and no two girls cooperate as badly.

It's blasters and bikinis, cowgirls and computers, somewhere between Charlie's Angels and Star Trek. High energy and fun writing even more to my personal taste than the delightful Captain Tylor. Top-notch animation reminiscent of the best Robotech had to offer, but I've yet to see the quality taper off: and I watched 13 out of 26 episodes YESTERDAY.

Am I wasting them watching them so fast? Yes.

Can I stop? No.

The Japanese audio track with subtitles is how I prefer things: I feel like it's usually closest to the original emotional intent. Of course, this DVD set has NO other option- and some prefer English dubbing. It's the only 'flaw' I've found here.

When I noticed it was made in 1985 it only served to reinforce my affection for that particular year. It SHRIEKS eighties: headbands, disco, materialism, and pop music that's never been topped. I tend to skip title music after the first few episodes: I watched this title ALL 13 TIMES because the song is so infectious!

I'm pretty sure "Dirty Pair"'s target audience is teen boys, which is my emotional skill level, also. But anyone who gets a thrill from action comedies might like it, too. Ideal summer Saturday fare.

My Waning Interest in Falling Skies

2011-08-05T14:28:00.000-07:00

I tried, you guys. I did.

What's worse, I just read a great blog from Renaissance Dork. Read it, won't you? He's good!

I particularly liked the idea of negative reviews being no fun to read in the long term. As he put it: Nobody FORCED me to get a degree in geekology which I use merely to write scathing complaint dumps!

That said, I'm only watching 'Falling Skies' anymore because it happens to be on and has more lasers than General Hospital. When my wife cancels Superchannel I won't miss it. It's not as exciting as 'The Walking Dead' or 'Battleglum Galacticglum', which it resembles.

I only tend to perk up when the aliens are on screen or stomping about in their robotsuits. I should really be rooting for the poor humans- but I'm just not feeling them. Why does this look more like a subdued gun nut camping trip than the Apocalypse? A lotta stuff still looks intact and a lotta people still look clean and well fed. If all the real military has died, and all life is at stake, why aren't MORE people taking the initiative to become soldiers? I'm not sure a rebel militia would put up with hundreds of non-contributing leeches for SIX MONTHS. I like to think of myself as a pacifist, but STILL... you have to adapt!

Particularly jarring for me was adopting the leader of a rape gang of murderous thugs... and letting him be the cook on his first day! I want to believe in second chances, but REALLY? Put a bullet in this guy and let's get back to choking down the canned beans. So sorry, very sad, but NOW is not the time.

So I guess it provokes a reaction: frustration. What's it all about? Are we supposed to be rooting for the alien child enslavers? Or the bible thumpers who torture their prisoners? I know I'm supposed to like Pretty Widow Doctor and Pretty Widower Professor, but the only human I liked so far was Steven Weber, and he's dead already.

Aw, what the hell do I know? It's back next season.

My Favorite Characters: A Perfectly Good White Boy

2011-08-02T19:38:00.000-07:00

If you've never willingly seen (or been forced to watch by me) 1985's absurdist teen romance/skiing/angst film 'Better Off Dead', then you've missed out. I mean it. I really mean it. You can get it on Blu-Ray now or watch my ordinary DVD at my place, because it's, well,...

This movie blew my face off just like Ricky's horrible mother.

It is a long term personal favorite movie of mine, and if it touches you the way it touches me, then I'm deeply, deeply sorry, for we are the same person and I gotta say... I've never really liked myself all that much.

When I tell you that in 2010 I apparently ranked it my 99th favorite film out of 100 favorites, it's important to remember that I've seen THOUSANDS of films, and a favorite is still a favorite...

No matter how awkward, no matter how mawkish, I identified VERY strongly with this weird little movie and it will cheer me out of most doldrums to this very day. It's got a killer eighties soundtrack mostly by Rupert Hine. It's got a solid, eccentric cast, with a lead that I love very much: John Cusack as Lane Meyer. As written by 'Savage' Steve Holland, who I am also required to love very much. (Even though this movie ruined whatever friendship they had, I guess. (At least, that's what this neat interview Bookmonkey sent me says.)

Lane is the saddest sack in Greendale; for Beth, the girl on whom he has pinned all his hopes (and her face on all his hangers), has dumped him. And if he weren't such an abject failure in every aspect of his life including suicide, he'd have no reason to go on living.

When the universe throws unhinged paper boy armies, sneering jocks, and every possible form of work, school and family banality your way, look to Lane. There are inspirations everywhere, second chances (they might be named Monique), and outlets in your art whether drawing, music, or being a terrible skiier.

Lane's best and perhaps only friend, the not-even-cool-enough-to-be-a-real-drug-addict Charles De Mar offers advice to help Lane (and perhaps you and I) ski the K-12 that is life:

"Go that way, really fast. If something gets in your way... turn."

A Land in Turmoil Cries Out For a Hero!

2011-07-18T17:40:00.001-07:00

To call me an aficionado of escapist fiction would be... a nice way of putting it. Just don't call me a twitchy nut job to my face and we can surely be fast friends. Friends just like Xena the Warrior Princess and Gabrielle the Battling Bard!

In 1995, as most of you will surely be aware, New Zealand gave us the first of what would become SIX seasons of a spin-off program from Hercules: The Legendary Journeys. It was, and ever shall be, known as Xena: Warrior Princess. It features the motley adventures of the titular Xena (Lucy Lawless), a notorious baddun-turned-good by a close encounter with hunky Hercules (Kevin Sorbo), and her jocular, endlessly talkative companion Gabrielle of Potidea (the lovely Renee O'Connor whose poster adorned my chambers from 1996-2002. *Sigh*).

X:WP takes place in a fantasy version of mytho-historical Greece, where one might encounter the Trojan Horse (1184 BC), blind Homer (800 BC), and noble young Hippocrates (440 BC) all in the space of a few months. Not to mention Pandora's granddaughter, sleeping giants, hungry cyclopses, and shrieking "vintage" CGI harpies.

Xena is somehow a superhuman, with limitless abilities dictated only by the tale in which she finds herself. Horsemaster, weaponer, martial artist, medic, and able to literally leap thatched three-story buildings in a single bound. She was the beloved of Ares, God of War, due to her formerly wicked ways, and he ever seeks to reclaim her heart. A woman of wry wit who prefers to speak with her bladed chakram or a boot in the face of evil.

Gabby is anything but ordinary, the anachronistic scholar/farmgirl who attaches herself to Xena for story material, extolling her more powerful chum's many virtues to anybody unable to get out of earshot fast enough. Amateur pan flautist, honorary Amazon, and wielder of the staff (so to speak), Gabrielle can out-talk Euripides and dodge arranged marriages with style (even one to Morpheus, God of Dreams).

Together with long-suffering mare Argo, they roam the beautiful countryside spoiling for a fight with tyranny and bullying brigands. Crossovers and cameos abound, cross-pollinating with sister series Herc at every opportunity.

FAVORITE FOUR EPISODES:

"Sins of The Past" by producer Robert Tapert & R. J. Stewart

Everything you need to know about X, G and the world they kick butts in.

"The Titans" by R. J. Stewart

Yup, it's X & G vs the sleeping giants who should never have been awoken... awaked... roused.

"The Royal Couple of Thieves" by Steven L. Sears

There is nothing so good Bruce Campbell cannot make it ten times as awesome. Appearing here as sleazy Autolycus, self-proclaimed King of Thieves.

"Callisto" by R. J. Stewart

It's two-for-one with the menace of Xena's arch-nemesis the hissing lunatic Callisto out for entirely justified vengrance, and the first appearance of Ted Raimi as Joxer the Mighty, inept warlord from a line of warlords who would really be much better off in ANY other profession. Fishmonger, for example.

O.K., so it's Cheesy Cheesecake from Cheeselog Junction, but I enjoy it ever so much. I prefer my mythology like my history: a string of horrible nonsense and lies with corny jokes, strange costumes and occasional sex. (Suitable for television circa 1995.)

My Favorite Characters: Almost Heroes

2011-07-13T14:02:00.000-07:00

Battleglum Galactiglum's dead presidential aide Billy wound up on a wacky Canadian comedy series airing now on Showcase that likely won't last as long as I wish it would: Almost Heroes.

Terry (Paul Campbell) returns home from business school upon the death of his father to run a floundering comic book store in a strip mall. Run it on the strength of his looks and charm alone, since, in truth, he flunked out.

His younger brother and business partner Peter (series creator Peter Belleville) is a Geek Supreme with life skills similar to my own. For example, he can write a Klingon Haiku but his attempts to manage anything from a coffee machine to a clogged toilet results in fire.

Bernie (Lauren Ash) next door in a demeaning dead-end job at trendy clothing store Sassitude is crushing on Terry big time, all unnoticed just as she'd been back in high school. I find her hilarious.

The comic geek should be my favorite by a mile, but I enjoy the interplay of all three, each uncool in their own unique way . A trio of superfriends like DC's Trinity of Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman, except powerless failures with only their sense of humor to defend themselves.

Add the landlord love interest who's not interested, Bernie's bitchy boss, the jock jerk from the sports store, and the security guard Boyd (Colin Mochrie) nobody remembers hiring, and you've got a hit*.

(*Hit not guaranteed. But it sure makes me happy.)

Things I Pretend To Notice: I'm A Grown Up

2011-07-12T13:41:00.000-07:00

It's not like I watch 'The Mentalist' or anything, but for better or worse, mostly for worse (?), I'm an adult now.

I hold down two low-paying jobs, I'm married (that's the sweetest part, actually), and last weekend I read a dull Soviet SF book by Arkady & Boris Strugatsky. No, I don't want to talk about it, I want to talk about being a grown-up. Damn it.

Because, in dog years, I'm a rapidly aging human man. With a human man-sized mortgage. And my own sets of keys to things.

My BFF's daughter turns 19 tomorrow (yay!) and that just can't be, since I'M still nineteen!

I think I'm in a state of shock that apparently retroactively turned my temples grey over the previous couple of years. (And gave me one pernicious white ear-hair.)

Long ago, I genuinely believed that, (one future day) I would wake up and KNOW I was a responsible adult. Everything (well, maybe not EVERYTHING) would make sense and I'd have a clear idea of how to run all my affairs alone. I'm thankful beyond the telling for my amazing spouse, who usually makes that unnecessary.

But, with my lovely Trish away for a time, I noticed that I am still a relatively functional guy.

Granted, I've let my body go. (I'm a nice guy, I let it go where it wants!) Plus, I was weak and scrawny before I was weak and porky. (I only need this meat sack to carry my brain in, anyway.)

I do my dishes and laundry (well, machines do them). I got myself to the dentist (well, Trish made the appointments and paid the nice people to give us a going over with the cleaning pick). I even get groceries and haircuts and stuff.

And when I have no inspiration or interest I force myself to write drivel at you because that's what I do. It's the kind of guy I am.

So here's to looking after myself.

Keep looking after yourselves, too.

Now to make some dinner.

Movie Review: Rango

2011-06-27T17:46:00.000-07:00

For a change of pace, my wife and I went to the cheap movie theater this weekend, and we had a blast! Trish's choice was inspired, let me tell y'all about it...

I was really impressed with Rango, one of those classic old CG cartoon animal western comedies with fantasy adventure quest elements. Yahoo! (Yes, I'm a giant child, but don't call Manchild Protective Services just yet: go see this movie first!)

These are stunningly rendered critters, beautiful in their hyper-realistically detailed repugnance. They're so fugly they've gone round to adorable again! The film brings to mind the anarchistic spirit of the Muppets, with twitchy anthropomorphic oddities clutching desperately to their dreams in a dust bowl town on the edge of collapse.

The voice cast is very talented and the 'emotion capture' unit outdid themselves- you'd have to see it to believe in it. I cared a great deal about the characters throughout, riveted to the tried and true tale but surprised a fair number of times, too.

There's a particular chase sequence towards the middle so SATURATED with sheer elaborate creativity that it overloaded my sense of wonder and delight.

It was amazing! And that's kind of rare for me at the movies, nowadays.

It's a bit on the violent side for a kid's movie, but... well, it serves the story. This is not a nice, safe situation this world is in, and it's not a sane, qualified bunch of folks who need to save it. It's a swift-moving action tale with a rollicking spirit and a lot of heart. Yeah, I'd see this again and I reckon I'd most likely buy it, too, sure as shootin'.

ALPOCALYPSE: My Own Personal Rapture Is Here

2011-06-22T14:05:00.000-07:00

Why take up your time with bandwidth hogging, virus-laden bloggery? I'll tell you. Every so often I get to rave about something I have ABSOLUTELY ADORED. And you get to come along for the tedious, never-ending jungle cruise ride!

'Weird' Al Yankovic is a pastiche maestro, foremost satirist in the land, indeed, a PARODY LORD if such a title exists. And it does, now.

To my great regret, I haven't bought a brand new CD for years, but spare no expense and get yourself the deluxe edition of 'Alpocalypse' with the 10 music video DVD included. LIKE ME! Or download it from itunes. Or, yes, borrow it from me and nod along politely.

You get 'Polka Face', which despite what you've heard is not a horrible disease! Make sweet love to a manatee with Charles Nelson Reilly. Torment others with 'Ringtone', maybe even use it against regimes you disapprove at a 'Party in the CIA'! You even get to writhe along to the almost-didn't-get-to-be-released 'Perform This Way' which was apparently saved by an outstanding Twitter response. Yay, tweeps!

I was already a huge fan of the previously digitally released 'Whatever You Like' for it's wise-acre approach to low-budget romance, and now I can't stop listening to 'If That Isn't Love'.

Mrs. 'Weird Al' is a SAINT, I tell you!

As usual, my favorite album is whatever one Al is currently promoting.

I give you my word- it's so beautiful it makes a glorious sunset look like a big, fat turd.

Comic Review: Freefall by Mark Stanley

2011-06-13T13:42:00.001-07:00

Granted, you've never heard of it, and I haven't actually read all of it, either.

Still worth reviewing? Sure. I have nothing BUT spare time since becoming addicted to Twitter. Joke. Deadpan mode.

I recently spent an evening reading several years worth of the sci-fi webcomic Freefall, liked it fine, and thought I'd recommend it to those searching high and low for funny SF.

Freefall features (as of the last stuff I read) the mostly planet-locked crew of the not-yet-spaceworthy vessel Savage Chicken. They are the dodgy, chronically indolent merchant Captain Sam Starfall, his dogsbody robot Helix, and the new engineer (I should have saved the term dogsbody for her): an artificially created humanoid wolf called Florence. As you might imagine, the girl does all the actual work.

I'm no expert on REAL WORLD applications of artificial intelligence, or even how to use a computer beyond rudimentary nudity acquisition skills. So, if you're the sort of nerd who understands that technical stuff you'll probably get EVEN more out of this than I did.

I think my favorite gag so far was a pair of corporate stooge robots trying to find a way around the Asimov laws so that by their inaction they might get their terrible boss killed.

Wikipedia deleted Freefall's description page, citing lack of evidence that it exists. Well, it won a couple of something called the Web Cartoonists Choice awards, and the 2046th strip posted today, so, yeah, it exists. Worth checking out, too.

My Favorite Characters: The Heretic Monkey

2011-06-08T15:10:00.000-07:00

Justy Ueki Tylor (age 20) is a callow youth of uncertain ability in the distant year UC 6999.

As the animated series known as "The Most Irresponsible Man in Space" or "The Irresponsible Captain Tylor" begins, Justy abandons his life of vagrancy for a cushy job with the military. The United Planets Space Force is only too happy to have him, as they are at war with the Holy Raalgon Empire (brutish pointy-eared aliens up to no good).

Tylor speaks his mind (such as it is). He's far too laid back. He has no regard for rules or protocol, breaks the computer assigned to classify him, and is, in short, deeply unsuited to the military life. So he is rapidly promoted.

After an unorthodox defusing of a hostage crisis, Tylor sort of earns his way, sort of falls upward into command of the aging battleship 'Gentle Breeze'. His command crew are rule-bound types who find him baffling, maddening, or amazing (in straight-laced female Commander Star's case, all three). Tylor's band of cut-throat marines, high-strung pilots, and drunken ship's surgeon quickly galvanize into an unstoppable force beneath his total lack of discipline. Tylor's superiors grow to despise him as much as the enemy, and arrange for his certain death in space battle. And that's before the spoiled teen empress of the Raalgon sets her sights on him...

I got quite a fair few chuckles out of this show. It's a space opera in the style of Star Trek, but with more than a hint of irreverence. Tylor is virtually impossible to dislike: he treats EVERYBODY fairly. He's relaxed to a degree I cannot achieve personally without chemical assistance. He MIGHT be defined as irresponsible, but it may also be right to call him carefree. Tylor has a live-and-let-live outlook, it's such a delight to me when retired old Admiral Hanner takes a liking to the guy.

For his was a genius no rule could contain!

Book Review: Shades of Grey: The Road to High Saffron by Jasper Fforde

2011-06-06T14:11:00.002-07:00

'Shades of Grey' is the first book in a yet-to-be written trilogy set 600 (or maybe 1600) years in the future, in Jade-Under-Lime, a small community in what was once Wales.

The inhabitants are trapped under an expanding collection of stifling and nonsensical rules which (seemingly by the intention of Munsell the founder) hold back all advancement and enforce a strict caste system based on the ability to perceive colour.

Colour has become a cultural obsession. Firmly entrenched in his backward society mild Eddie Russett quietly questions some of the wherefores of the world and attempts romance with volatile Jane, a servant girl from the Grey underclass.

Possibly unique in my reading experience, I did not know what to think. Ever.

At first, I DESPISED it. Every ten minutes I was groaning aloud with abject confusion and frustration. "What the hell is this insufferable twee gibberish? Spoons? Swans? You're TRYING to prevent me from understanding a lick of this, aren't you, Fforde?"

Look at you, lording it over me with your brilliant ability to leave me out of the joke.

I DREADED going back to it every time I put it down. I thought the story was going to continue to throw up irrelevancies, kill the leads, and never make the slightest sense. On purpose. To taunt me.

In the downhill end of things, I think it started to be easier. I had MANY questions left unanswered, but I had grown curious for more. In fact, I LIKED Eddie. And Jane.

I enjoyed the humor (rare for a dystopia), though I always expected it to turn on me.

What a weird experience! I flip flopped so completely that I think in time I'll probably think back on it fondly.

Thanks, Ron, for bringing it to book club. I never would have read this on my own- and for once I think that's a compliment.

Thorsday 2011

2011-06-02T18:28:00.000-07:00

(Thorsday Night Fever by john taylor christopher of deviantart.)

All right, I'll admit it. I'm not the biggest Thor booster. I did read the Stan, Larry & Jack stuff from the sixties as reprints, and some modern stuff, too. But mostly I know Thor from the Avengers and other guest appearances where his biggest problem is: he's a god.

He doesn't fit in. He's too powerful. How do you have a compelling story if the god of lightning with the all-powerful magic hammer can saunter in and solve all your problems at once? With a hammer, I might add.

Well, surprise! Thor is a good flick.

My wife, generally, enjoys action and shirtless guys.

Chris Hemsworth fits the bill. Oh, my!

I, myself, enjoy an apparatus that hurtles one across space to distant worlds and robots with death ray faces. To each his/her own.

Good story, top-notch performances, and a writing credit for my idol J. Michael Straczynski. Go see it if ya got the time. 3D is all very well, but not essential. In fact, as my buddy Wayne said: why not charge the same or LESS if you're putting that crap on everything? (I'm paraphrasing.) Also, stay to the end of the credits. It's a MARVEL movie, True Believers!

My Favorite Characters: Strummin' Sitter

2011-06-01T14:36:00.000-07:00

Everybody who's ANYBODY knows that Greg Garcia makes a funny sitcom. Yeah, the 'My Name is Earl' guy!

My lovely wife and I just finished catching up to the latest in low-low-low middle class Americans making an honest effort to better themselves: season one of Raising Hope.

It's so good, you guys, that picking a favorite character is a study in nonsense... they're ALL great!

Hope of the title is the baby of an executed serial murderess and her hapless one-time hook-up, well-intentioned 23 year old Jimmy Chance of Natesville. Jimmy's tired young folks don't let menial jobs and lack of education stand in the way of a 'do-over' for (another mistake) baby, simultaneously riding herd on a rarely lucid Maw Maw. Meanwhile, Jimmy only has eyes for sarcastic (and engaged) grocery clerk Sabrina Collins.

Which brings me to Sabrina's cousin Shelly, the guest character rather similar to Stephanie Gooch, a ukulele player who appeared on Scrubs. Or perhaps it's better to say both are strikingly like famed musical performer/songwriter Kate Micucci. Which is not to say that Kate Micucci has a dead tooth or OCD, or that Kate Micucci's house should be considered a location for you to drop off your infants, elders, or dogs for day care. But she just might be the source of many delightful short ditties such as those my wife bought on itunes, and which I enjoyed all day today.

In a roundabout way, what I mean to get across about Shelley, is that she's remarkably upbeat, and most vitally, optimistic. From the world's most awkward second break-up with Jimmy to the put-upon world of an overburdened day care worker, she channels her uncomfortable feelings into brilliant song, and what's not to like about that?

Someone Amongst Us Here is Under the Control of the Weed

2011-05-31T13:39:00.000-07:00

It's a quote from The Second Doctor in 'Doctor Who: Fury from the Deep' episode 5, from 1968. And I think even Victoria knows THAT can be taken TWO ways.

While seeking ways to waste time and avoid reading 'Shades of Grey' by Jasper Fforde, let me tell you how I devoted many hours in recent months to watching shades of grey 'telesnaps' and surviving footage from the Patrick Troughton episodes of Missing Doctor Who which no longer exist in video form. Why? Shut up.

'The Space Pirates' may scorch the ears with terrible American accents, but the spaceship model work was probably top-notch, plus a cracking good Robert Holmes script and one cliffhanger that had me laughing out loud. (Hint: don't carry tacks in your pants, Doctor!)

'The Web of Fear' has one surviving episode, and it looked Hammer-horror good. Maybe the Yetis weren't THAT goofy after all...? The Doctor and the Brigadier in their first appearance together... and it's missing, damn it!

'The Moonbase' sounded lame, maybe the dullest of the bunch, but 'The Macra Terror' with its giant crabs sounded like so much fun I don't CARE if it WAS lame: make a cartoon of it, somebody!

Make cartoons of ALL of them! What, do you have LIVES or JOBS or something? Give me back 'The Enemy of the World' or give me DEATH!

Sorry, sounds like priggish balderdash now I say it.

Thanks to Graham Strong and others, devoted young nerds who preserved the audio by tape recording it for their own enjoyment at home instead of finding human friends. Thanks to Mark Ayers and the Doctor Who Restoration team, the original actors who recorded descriptive narration, and all the folks who posted their ramshackle recreations on youtube. Thanks to you guys I've met cocky Ben & dolly Polly, heard madmen shrieking, heard Atlantis crumble once more, and grown mightily sick of the sound of a chirping control sphere. Worth it.

When I heard the final episode of 'The Faceless Ones', that was the reality of it. Thanks, for giving me my last new sounds of Patrick Troughton's wonderful Doctor, silenced forever.

You've done a great service to fandom that I, at least, cannot possibly repay.

As a cosmic hobo myself, can I offer you the bits of fluff that I have in my pockets?

The Hugos: Startide Rising

2011-05-30T14:46:00.002-07:00

Oh, you guys and gals and uplifted mammals, it's so good!

This a Hugo winner (and Locus and Nebula) I really liked.

Startide Rising won in 1984, and this reading project gave me the chance to get around to reading the first three books in David Brin's Uplift Saga. They take place nearly 500 years in the future, while the people of Earth are newcomers to a rigidly codified galactic culture where status is based on your sapience lineage.

Every other space culture knows who engineered, taught, and otherwise cajoled them into the world of thought. Not humans. Their foundling status is in dispute: who uplifted them? No one claims credit or blame- is humankind the first since the Progenitors to smarten themselves up? Who made who? Who made YOU?

(Heh. AC/DC'd!)

Whatever the case, humans are not the popular kids, but they have a couple of 'kids' of their own: genetically engineered intelligent apes, dolphins, and dogs have become Earth races on their own quest for rights and respect in a wider community.

Startide Rising is the tale of the Streaker, the first dolphin crewed starship, and the startling discovery they stumble upon that makes them the most wanted fugitives in space.

Intrigue, mutiny, moon-sized derelict ships, and a talking chimp. What's not to love? Why did the movie fail to happen, I ask you? I'd go see that. Is it because dolphins are well-known 'slappers'? Couldn't keep their fins off themselves long enough to make a serious movie?

I've got a bunch of unread Brin on my shelves I'd like to get back to.

Also, check out David Brin's blog under his name highlight above: he had much to say about the recent Rapture Fail.

Seems like a cool guy. I'm glad he didn't vanish up to heaven yet. In fact, everybody I like is still here: I guess we'd better get used to uplifting each other.

Book Review: The Colour of Magic

2011-05-16T18:22:00.001-07:00

"When I think I might die without seeing a hundredth of all there is to see it makes me feel... well, humble, I suppose. And very angry, of course."- Twoflower

1983 brought us Terry Pratchett's "first" Discworld novel (if you don't count 'Strata' which was SORT of the same deal only more sci-fi parody than fantasy parody). Strata was really good, too, actually, and it had more spaceships. Of course, there's an anachronistic spaceship in Krull at the edge of the Discworld, too. Sort of...

Anyway, 'The Colour of Magic' is a hoot and I remain intrigued to read the rest of the series: so thanks a million, bookmonkey!

The tale concerns a flat, magical earth-like world on the back of four elephants on the back of an utterly humongous turtle. The turtle is not on anything- unlike Pratchett.

Oh, I kid! (Seriously, how can the guy be so creative without medicinal aid?)

The spoofs are far-ranging, with emphasis on fantasy quests by the likes of Fritz Leiber and Anne McCaffrey.

Our characters are Rincewind: a wizard whose most effective 'spell' is kicking people in the groin, and Twoflower: a wealthy naif from parts unknown with a flair for photography and an enchanted Luggage devoted enough to pursue him into the very afterlife.

Also: Death, Lady Luck, the unspeakable demon Bel-Shamharoth, Hrun the Barbarian, Liessa of Wyrmberg, and some imaginary dragons. Among an unwashed cast of thousands.

Who started the great fire in the city of Ankh-Morepork? Will Twoflower survive once it becomes widely known that he is rich beyond the dreams of avarice and as helpless as a very tiny kitten? Will Rincewind survive a swordfight he has been forced into by a gung-ho enchanted sword? What terrifying fate is in store for Hrun in Liessa's clutches? What sex is the giant turtle?

These questions and many more can be found within the hilarious pages of this and many other fine DISCWORLD novels! Very recommended.

My Favorite Characters: Self-Portable Sapient

2011-05-11T14:28:00.000-07:00

What little hacker boy or girl wouldn't want a Banana Junior 6000 for Christmas, 1984?

Oliver Wendell Jones of Bloom County, U.S.A., for example.

Little wonder (considering the havoc caused him by his son's previous computers) that Oliver's father Floyd was reluctant to part with $2500, and indeed may have put it on an overzealous department store Santa's very own VISA!

But there is was! On Xmas morn! The cheery, yellow, walking, talking, 9000 series personal computer from Banana Electronics, Inc.

When not assisting Oliver by engaging in nefarious schemes to bring about the collapse of their own decadent Western civilization, the Banana Jr. could be found contemplating the nature of the electronic mortal soul, or offering lesser appliances in sacrifice to its mercurial god: the Jones family television set.

Both characters were the inventions of Berkeley Breathed, an insane Texan. I guess that's redundant. A Texan, then.

Along with all their huggable, liberal, MERCHANDISABLE pals (like Mr. P. Opus & Bill The Cat), Banana Junior and Oliver have amused me greatly this week in volume after volume. Just as they did when I was a precocious young scamp, save that thanks to Breathed's annotations I now get some of the more esoteric jokes.

I also admire Mr. Breathed for his ongoing efforts to conserve living things, and look forward this year to Disney's adaptation of his adorable kids' book "Mars Needs Moms".

Favorite Kid-Friendly Catch-phrase from the Banana 6000: "Ted Koppel is a Waffle."

Space Chimps 2: It's Just Not Worth It

2011-05-09T16:24:00.001-07:00

Don't watch "Space Chimps 2: Zartog Strikes Back".

Just don't.

I don't care if, like me, you moderately enjoyed the first one ('Space Chimps', as I believe it was called).

I don't care if, spiraling into madness, you thought: "So the voices are different and the art's not as slick- it's got cute, funny monkeys!!!"

And it's still got the delightful voices of Patrick Warburton and John Dimaggio... but they can't save this. Land sakes alive, but that was a dumb movie.

Normal people- weigh in on this for me: did I need to make this post?

Sane people- you wouldn't have watched this anyway, would you?

Sigh.

I hear 'Thor' is awesome.

My Favorite Characters: The Girl Who Was On Fire

2011-04-28T17:38:00.001-07:00

Thanks to my blog brother Bookmonkey for touting the memorably villainous President Snow.

But, for every terrible tyrant there should be a blazing spirit of righteous rebellion. To whit; my favorite character in Suzanne Collins' Hunger Games trilogy: Katniss Everdeen. (Luminous rendering by Loleia.)

These young adult novels are outstanding! I'm talking immediately and magically engaging. Practically grabbed me by the throat and forced their terrible visions upon me- in a good way.

WHAT A HORRIBLE FUTURE! Three generations of sadistic, televised, teenage combat to the death via a cruel lottery forced on the cowed and starving populace of Panem by the well-fed Capitol.

We see it all through the eyes of our brave and resourceful protagonist, Katniss. Which of 24 tributes will be the survivor? Who can lead the huddled masses of the 12 Districts to victory?

These books made me FURIOUS at the injustice of it all. Perhaps only our literally incendiary heroine can end these abominations...

I demand a victory for humankind in the face of such tribulation. May it ever be thus!

Oh, dear readers, do yourselves a favor and READ these books!

Everything Has Its Time. And Everything Ends.

2011-04-22T08:01:00.000-07:00

Truer words.

Those were Sarah Jane Smith's words, written by Russell T. Davies, delivered by Elisabeth Sladen.

A Davies character also said "When someone dies... its like it's so massive you can't fit it all inside your head."

That's how it feels to me to hear of Lis Sladen's death. Shock. Dismay. Worry about her cast mates & crew in the midst of making "The Sarah Jane Adventures" series 5.

Then the discovery that she is survived by a husband and daughter- forcing me to remember that while I only lost a beloved performer, THEY lost a wife and mom.

Elisabeth Sladen was mostly a star of small stage and small screen, but with tremendous value. While she played varied roles from Desdemona to the Dormouse, she was most widely known as feisty investigator Sarah Jane Smith in 1970's Doctor Who, and the lead in her character's spin-off series. A fan favorite decades ago, with unexpected success again in recent days. Unexpected but richly deserved.

Obviously, I didn't know her personally, but it saddens me anyway. She was important. As Sarah Jane's friend Rani said on that show: "The whole PLANET should be in mourning- no one knows."

Well, WE know. And we grieve. Goodbye, Lis. Thanks for being more than ONLY a girl.

The Hugos: The Windup Girl

2011-04-19T15:05:00.000-07:00

If I gave this one star on goodreads, and I wanted to, I would be a big jerk, right?

I gave it two out of five, probably because of overfed white guilt.

I mean, The Windup Girl won every award going. Tied for the Hugo last year. Has some crap to say about the world, right? 'Don't be so greedy, whitey'. 'Don't make weird shit in labs.' 'Don't fuck up the world.' 'Don't fuck over the things you make in labs.'

This is an unpleasant book with brutal characters in a future version of Thailand that, put gently, sucks the devil's ass.

O.K., too much cursing. But- GOD DAMMIT!

This is a bleak, miserable, old vomit stain of a book. Don't let Paolo Bacigalupi's smile pull you in- there's no fun to be had here. Me, personally, I find rapes very upsetting. There are several and they are described in nauseating detail. The riots, disease, starvation, random cruelty... that's just a bonus! For you, the reader!

I know- I'm a whiney bitch. I know this. But... if it's not entertaining, and it offers no hope, then it should be instructive- and I don't mean instructive like how to rape somebody until they get sick of it and behead you.

I mean it should TEACH me something: and since I've already learned the four 'don't' lessons in paragraph 2 all I've learned in 400 hot, sticky, gritty pages is: for god's sake DON'T:
1) Go to Thailand. Ever.
2) Go to the Future. Best to die now and save face.
3) Read Paolo Bacigalupi with 'enjoyment' as a goal.

If I could convince P.B. and China Mieville to go at it with knives in the Hunger Games... well, a guy can still dream, can't he?

Sadly, that was me being diplomatic.

Wild Wild Waste

2011-04-18T15:15:00.002-07:00

I was warned away. I didn't heed.

And why should I? It's a comic book movie. I LIKE those, y'know?

JONAH HEX (2010) is quite terrible. Let's be extra fair here: I'm not a fan of the comic anyway. Unless scarred cowboy bounty hunter is paired up with 'time-traveling' and 'outer-space' I tend to think he's just the Punisher with spurs. (To be clear, I'm not a fan of the Punisher.)

That said, I've only read Jimmy Palmiotti's Jonah Hex, which was good storytelling in a genre that rarely wows me.

So while we're accumulating a little perspective on who I am, I'll add that I enjoyed the Wild Wild West movie, Pushing Daisies, and The Crow (somewhat). Mush those three things together, however, remove all sense of logic and all sense of humor, paste in Jonah Hex and you've got yourself a box office flop!

SPOILERS (like you care)

What horse would stand for side-mounted machine guns? AND not get immediately shot in the head when he inevitably starts bucking?

What person talking to John Malkovich's Quentin Turnbull character could fail to burst out laughing when his cowboy hat comes off and their eyes are drawn to that lustrous, curly... oh, what luck, here's a picture:

Now that's the face of a terrorista!

(Because casual mass-murdering revenant Hex, of course, is our hero. Don't forget now.)

Cringe at the tame but unappealing bedroom scene with a prostitute- that horrible face! Don't know how Hex could stand it. Of course, they've bonded over the fact that they're both drunks, mutterers, and dead inside, so awww!

Bored with the cotton gin, Eli Whitney apparently built a superweapon from cannonballs and the lost Pallantir of Sauron. How can Will Arnett be a part of this masterpiece and be given no jokes?

Soulless. Overburdened with effects, gimmicks, and exploding plot cul de sacs. Paint-by-numbers vengeance fantasy. And if that's what you like, it's all here.

The hell would I know? I still like Howard the Duck.

Book Review: The Carpet People

2011-04-12T15:41:00.000-07:00

"Some things you should care about enough to do badly."

My BFF Bookmonkey is a dyed-in-the-wool Terry Pratchett fan, and rightly so. Not for nothing does the cover of this book call Mr. Pratchett "Master Storyteller".

I asked Bookmonkey if I might borrow all his Discworld novels and finally see what I've been missing. What a fantastic debut!

"The Carpet People" is the 1971 and 1992 novel by Terry Pratchett and Terry Pratchett. Meaning that it was extensively revised for its reprinting after T.P. got famous. (Oh, dear. T.P.? Nah, it's fine, I'll leave it.)

It's a sword quest of the fantasy variety, in the microscopic hair forests of somebody's carpet.

What a fun concept! I really liked this idea. Their biggest city is smaller than the dot at the end of a sentence. Their bronze mail is forged from a penny the size of a whole country. Their wood they chop from the Woodwall, with varnish imported from far off "achairleg".

A strong brother, the not-so-much-so brother, a king, and a warrior lead the Munrung tribal exodus, driven from their homes by the disastrous natural force called Fray.

My favorite character was the shaman; practical, philosophical Pismire.

The last termagant (seen here in T.P.'s original illustration) is also a highlight.

It made me think twice about vacuuming the rug today. Naw, I'm just kidding.

I never vacuum.

You Had Me at Tomar-Re

2011-04-08T18:44:00.001-07:00

On a lighter note, if there's a bright center to the universe, it's the planet Oa.

Depicted in the latest trailer for the 'Green Lantern' movie, it powered my ring with manboy glee and if you're not there yet, watch the trailer. It's only 4 minutes, I'll wait.

Watched it yet? Handsome Ryan Reynolds is in it...

Back? WASN'T THAT AWESOME?

WATCH IT AGAIN! O.K., I'll lay off.

If Shirtless Ryan Reynolds (TM) being flippant and telling Miss Carol Ferris to 'get her pants off and let's fly some planes' in the first trailer wasn't enough, now we have earnest Ryan being earnest! And if his recitation of The Oath didn't get ya, then HOW BOUT THOSE ALIENS?

Think I spotted trustworthy Sinestro, gentle Kilowog, lovely Tomar-Re, lucky Abin Sur, funnyman Salaak, shy Boodika, warm Stel, soft Hannu, tolerant Ismot Kol, that purplish guy the Green Man, and a floating pumpkin that might be Olapet but probably isn't.

Still haven't seen the three-legged nectarine. (Yes, I know he's called Galius Zed.)

See? If the humor, energy and sex appeal of the first trailer didn't win you over, they've got weird thingummies only nerds can name plus SPLOSIONS!

And I know this diverges from the origin story I've read (where Abin Sur whisks Hal to his side with his power ring as he lies dying in his crashed spaceship) but I really liked the idea of this version: Hal runs to help! Kind of preferred how it gave me an immediate sense of his bravery. Thanks, trailer!

Yes, it's true. I've offered this trailer my hand in marriage. Will it be jilted at the alter for the actual film? Will my human wife approve? Wouldn't Blake Lively make a better Arisia the perky-blonde-space-pixie than the all-work-no-play-raven-haired-aviatrix Carol? If Hal was Archie Andrews doesn't that make Arisia Betty and Carol Veronica? Does acting skill REALLY matter more than follicle coloration?

Only the Guardians of Oa know for sure!

Toon Review: Spaceballs- The Animated Series

2011-04-05T19:05:00.001-07:00

Yes.

Yes, there was.

And, unfortunately, I spent

A) $9.95 and

B) 88 minutes on

this senseless, cash-grabbing cartoon-astrophe.

"Spaceballs: The Animated Series" had 15 episodes in 2008 on G4 before its not-abrupt-enough cancellation.

O.K., O.K. so this was my fault, too. I LOVE cartoons. I LOVE 'Spaceballs: The Movie'. I have inordinate (but still platonic) affection for Lord Melvinius Q. Brooks.

NEVER. THE. LESS.

Do not make my mistake. Save yourselves. This is nearly unendurable, and I saw it just DAYS after Rob Zombie's "The Haunted World of El Superbeasto" (not for the timid and not on trial here.)

The four episodes on the DVD pictured here (yes, only 4 out of 15, thanks, marketing department- for making me feel cheated as a complete-ist and as a sentient being) are a continuity-free mess.

Stale jokes, tepid parody, and weak sauce animation made me long for "Tripping The Rift".

See here for some brave youngsters putting themselves on the line to review one for you.

I get a glimmer of how disappointed SO MANY fans were with the Star Wars prequels: I can't be thirteen again and see Spaceballs for the first time. Barf, wangs, poop, and boobs are admittedly hilarious, but shovel under them and I can't find anything ELSE.

(And I'm a PARTICULAR fan of boobs most of the time. ALL the time.)

Too senile for kids and too juvenile for... well, everybody.

And the worst part?

I am SUCH a sucker for punishment I STILL feel like this review is unfair if I don't see the other eleven episodes.

Please tell me what is wrong with my brain!

Send your opinions care of Mel Brooks, Daphne Zuniga, and Joan Rivers busily making a funny movie twenty-six years ago.

The Hugos: Foundation's Edge

2011-03-30T14:09:00.005-07:00

Smart dude, that Isaac Asimov.

Him giant brain win heap big Hugo award 1983. Me think it worth 3 stars on goodreads!

I mentioned already that I liked his robot detective stories when I was a kid, right? Please don't think I'm lowest common denominator. (I am. I really am.)

For a more insightful review than mine, go here.

Foundation's Edge was not a favorite, nor did I actively dislike it. It's not in my library anymore, but it's readily available if I need it again someday.

It's pretty good, worth my time and probably yours. The whole series, if you please. It's not going to make a lick of sense on its own.

Asimov, Arthur Clarke, and Robert Heinlein were known as 'The Big Three' of science fiction. This might be unfair, but to me Asimov is the third guy. (The Hugo people felt exactly the opposite in 1983, with Clarke's '2010' and Heinlein's 'Friday' nominated but never the bride. Sniff.)

There's few thrills and very little juiciness in this leisurely paced, lecture-filled mystery adventure thousands of years in the future.

Fourth in the lengthy but excellent 'Foundation' series, which has concerned itself with the collapse and rebuilding of a galactic human civilization based on either physical strength or mental force in competition. All under the auspices of the scientific predictions or "psychohistory" of a dead man's hologram. (Hari Seldon, shown here being enigmatic.)

'Foundation's Edge' postulates the formation of a galaxy-encompassing group mind where peace and harmony may be achieved by means of everybody sharing consciousness with everything else.

Yeeurgh.

Do YOU want to feel what a carrot feels while you eat it? I personally have no wish to experience deep sea angler fish sex. Or worse, LOWER life forms! Don't make me use Kardashian neural impulses or swap mentalic energy with Tiger Blood Sheen!

I'm not convinced sharing our every stupid thought is the true road to universal peace.

(PROVE ME WRONG, TWITTER!)

You wouldn't want to live in my head and frankly I don't have enough couch space in there, not even for the weekend. Stop asking!

Asimov's Galaxia model may be superior to rule by brute force.

Or simply a fine excuse for doddering old scholar Janov Pelorat to do the nasty with group-mind aficionado and local hottie Blissenobiarella. (Bliss for short.)

Group-mind girls just LOVE big brains!

And when you're doing it with a group mind, it REALLY is the nasty.

My Favorite Flying Cars

2011-03-27T10:29:00.000-07:00

Who says blogging is irrelevant gibberish? Well, me for one. Anyway, I'm back. And aren't you blessed for the experience? Yes, you are. So here's this:

MY EIGHT FAVORITE FLYING CARS

(Why eight? Because that's how many fingers I have left with both thumbs up!)

8. Jennifer Walter's '59 Dodge

Modified by space trucker U.S. Archer and his good buddy Al the Alien, Marvel Comics' She-Hulk briefly owned a green hover car capable of interstellar travel. Ludicrous speed!

7. Guardian Bob's 262 convertible hover car

In his spare time between battling viral invasion in the computer world of Mainframe, 'Reboot''s hero tinkered with this classic red vehicle whose engine never worked properly.

6. Arthur Weasley's Muggle Ford Anglia

Enchanting Muggle artifacts is frowned upon in the wizarding world of 'Harry Potter', but Ron's dad can't resist- nor can Ron and Harry resist illegally driving it to school.

5. The Doctor's "Whomobile"

While stranded on Earth during his third life, the alien Timelord scientist used local technology to construct advanced items he found useful or just really fun. After assembling the rapid roadster 'Bessie', he built this silver number. This painting by Paul Hanley does it better justice than the chroma-keyed onscreen version (no offense, but everything looks better in the imagination).

4. Centauri's Star Car

'The Last Starfighter' offered trailer park youth Alex Rogan a trip to the besieged planet Ryloth in a transforming interstellar ship. Con man Centauri's transport was, it seems, the first computer generated flying car.

3. Gordon Shumway's Melmacian hover car

ALF, the indolent gluttonous narcissist on whom I imprinted at an early age, tooled around East Velcro's mean streets on the planet Melmac in this beauty. Set in 1949, 'ALF: The Animated Series' pilot episode amply demonstrated that poor driving skills and shoddy brake repair need not fail to impress the furry ladies- Gordon's girlfriend Rhonda laughs even while her brash beau shouts at his superior officer in the Orbit Guard: "Look what your building did to my car!"

(On a purely personal note- this cartoon REALLY needs to come out on DVD. Vastly more imaginative comedy than most of the live action series, and while owning the first third of it is better than nothing, I'd dearly love to see the rest of it again.)

2. Dr. Emmett Brown's DeLorean time machine

"If you're going to build a time machine into a car why not do it with some style?"

"Where we're going we don't need ROADS."

Is there a cooler car? I'll tell you. No. And if they're not offering hover conversions in OUR world in 2015, I think you have the right to ask- why the hell not?

1. Luke Skywalker's SoroSuub X-34 Landspeeder

Sold for 2000 credits on planet Tatooine, with absolutely no demand for them since the XP-38 came out. I'm convinced you never forget your first hover car- the 'Star Wars' special editions may have spruced it up delightfully but at 6 years old I didn't think about HOW it was done. It was a REAL flying car. (Mounted on a big stick or with fogged-out wheels.)

I don't own a car. My wife lets me drive hers for errands, and I'm very grateful (especially since I scraped the paint in a parking garage some months back). But the truth is, I was spoiled on real world cars at an early age so hard and for so long that I don't know the thrills of mortal men.

Give me a flying car or give me death! (Presumably one will cause the other.)

How ironic. Another day and I would have completed my tunnel.

2011-03-17T17:54:00.001-07:00

For over sixty years, Michael Gough was a stellar character actor. And, as usual, I only know him for his forays into the fringes rather than his EXTENSIVE stage career and hundreds of dramatic roles.

Fiendish inventor of the killer android Cybernauts.

Wonderland's potty March Hare and Underland's elderly Dodo.

Twice a powerful foe to the Doctor, once an off-screen husband to the Doctor's companion Polly.

Gough seized the screen in memorable films from 'Top Secret' to 'Sleepy Hollow'.

Also he was a butler in something or other...

THAT VOICE! The man was amazing even when you couldn't see his sublime expressions. He made me laugh, he made me cringe, he sold me Coke.

The game is ended, Celestial Toymaker, until next time.

Rest in Peace, Michael Gough.

My Favorite Characters: The Host With The Most

2011-03-16T14:09:00.001-07:00

"I can hold a note forever. But it's the change we're listening for. That's what makes it music."

My favorite character from the late, great TV show 'Angel' was Lorne, the demon empath. (Gorgeous pic from Aakami of Poland)

Lorne may be a demon, but he's one heck of a nice guy. Formerly known as Krevlornswath of the Dethwok Clan from the hell dimension of Pylea. Pylea is a barbaric world of swords and slavery. A world with plenty of quests and slaying and no music at all.

He was an outcast and a madman in his dimension because of his non-violent ways. His father always figured they'd eaten the wrong son. In 1996 when he fell through a portal to Los Angeles he never looked that gift horse portal in the mouth. And he never looked back, either. He constructed and became The Host of a karaoke bar he called 'Caritas', Latin for 'mercy'. It catered to both humans and demons, provided they left their grudges outside. If you were willing to let your guard down and sing, he could read your future.

Lorne was portrayed with wit and panache by the late, lamented Andy Hallett.

"Angel" was a strong, well-written show with many fine actors in the regular and guest cast. There's no reason to diminish anyone else by picking a favorite here. (It's just a way to put some 'oomph' in a blog title, baby.) He was a good hearted, sarcastic but supportive supporting character. And chief among his many talents, he had one hell of a beautiful singing voice.

We're Bi-Winning

2011-03-14T15:34:00.000-07:00

Long ago and far away

I met my love and she did stay.

Insufficient are these words to say

My soul's fulfillment night and day.

Six years ago I wrote and drew a comic adventure version of my real-life blossoming romance.

Monkey McDevill, whose cape was a bedsheet, fell in love with the unquenchable foul-mouthed angel Lynnyth Van Vavavoom.

In their three modestly illustrated tales of hoversharks and time-traveling dinosaur scientists (available from Happy Harbor Comics www.happyharborcomics.com) they managed to vanquish evil, good, and Spider-Like Man.

Today I celebrate the second anniversary of our real-life nuptials with a modestly illustrated reminder of the heights to which we can soar.

Not to mention the big damn flaming sword and flinging of the poopies we forever wield against our enemies (who are thankfully few, and probably very weak).

Thanks, Trishy. You are best.

My Favorite Characters: Rebellious Redhead

2011-03-09T18:39:00.000-08:00

A hovercar careens wildly, pursued by police robots on the skyways of the year 4000.

At the controls is Leeja Clane, and she's fed up. Rich and pretty, daughter to a senator, she will smash her gilded cage and seek a world of adventure.

In a moment, she will encounter Magnus, Robot Fighter, a fine specimen of a man.

A beef slab of a dude; a hard, well-muscled mass of tough gristly guy meat!

Raised from infancy to battle tyrant robots with his bare hands, Magnus is the hero and Leeja will love him immediately, as she must. It's his comic.

Magnus, Robot Fighter 4000 AD was written and illustrated by Russ Manning beginning in 1963. Manning's claim to fame was his work on the Tarzan comic book, and Magnus is the heir to that concept. Orphaned, raised at the bottom of the sea by kind, noble emotional robot 1A, Magnus is devoted to the cause of freedom. He's pledged to end human sloth and decadence via their servile mechanisms, which have taken every responsibility away from man and with it any semblance of self-determination.

It's a fun, bright, earnest comic. Magnus is admirable.

But I find Leeja to be the real character to root for. Magnus never questions his mission, or the possible nefarious motives of a robot who would raise (program?) a human to smash robots.

Leeja, however, has motives and feelings and other girl stuff.

Bored and stifled, she becomes a fugitive for a slight infraction of the posted speed limit, and chooses to stand up to the Pol-Robs. Yeah, OK, she spends the rest of the book mooning over Magnus, but before there was a movement by that name Leeja Clane was a real liberated woman.

The Hugos: The City & The City

2011-03-07T14:55:00.000-08:00

How to be diplomatic about this?

First, I'll look at China Mieville and know deep in my bones that he can kick my pasty ass.

So... no. I didn't like it. But that's just me! Stop pummeling me!

The City & The City didn't JUST win the Hugo award last year. It won LOTS of awards for genre fiction. And, more importantly, it won the hearts of the book club I'm in. Several excellent gentlemen of my acquaintance including my inestimable BFF Bookmonkey got behind this book in a big, big way.

And I picked it. So... I'm glad they liked it.

*SPOILERS*

From my perspective, it's the bleak, empty tale of a tormented city where everyone is indoctrinated from birth to NOT SEE half of what exists. Complex rules separate into two what is actually one environment. If you breach the rules you wind up in the Breach where you become a Breach and angrily police the Breaches. (Although not made entirely clear, you probably wear breeches.)

Again, FROM MY PERSPECTIVE this is a frustrating, gloomy, meandering, intentionally ambiguous story with unappealing stock characters and a downbeat ending providing zero emotional catharsis.

That said, I ALSO think this story is like the Dagobah cave Yoda shows Luke in Empire; what is in there is 'only what you take with you'.

Upsettingly, I now suspect I have no soul. Certainly no imagination.

I don't like what it says about me that I don't appreciate being forced to THINK or make up my own justifications for a book that doesn't make the effort to explain itself plainly to a dumb guy like me.

But I concocted a moral lesson for myself which (funnily enough) I DO like, paraphrasing what this book MIGHT be saying:

"Social betterment cannot be attained where arbitrary ideological barriers are enforced."

Or: the other guy has a point, too.

Next time on Mike's Best Blog Ever: Something with a flying car, for frak's sake.

Book Review: Miracle Monday

2011-03-03T14:39:00.001-08:00

It's even better than author Elliot S! Maggin's previous novel 'Superman, Last Son of Krypton'. There's no origin story to slow things down, and Luthor is significant but not the primary villain. "Miracle Monday" is amazing Superman material.

Superman's character is seriously tested in ethical and physical battle with the demon prince of the netherworld. The demon is called C.W. Saturn. (Hmm, CW... coincidence that the hell-spawned 'Smallville' would later run for an eternity on the CW???)

Also, it's got time traveling historians! Specifically, Kristin Wells, gutsy 29th Century scholar studying Superman while disguised as Lois Lane's anachronism-spewing assistant. (The character would briefly appear in the comics as Superwoman, an apparent darling of Maggin's. She's pre-Crisis, and vanished from comics so completely afterward that I've never heard of her till this week.)

Time travelers AND demons? What the what? The unholy marriage of sf and fantasy works beautifully. It's a high compliment for me that this reminds me of Douglas Adams' stuff; off-the-rails impossible and still internally logical. A sweet thing to behold.

Absolutely more fun than 'Downbelow Station', which won the Hugo Award for the year 1981.

So I hope DC paid the author well, or that it satisfied him to write it, or both. Elliot S! Maggin deserves to be remembered until 2857 and beyond.

Book Review: Superman, Last Son of Krypton

2011-03-01T16:12:00.001-08:00

Elliot S! Maggin did right by me back in 1978 when he wrote this! I gave it 4 stars out of 5 on goodreads.com.

So, yes, in my world it deserved the Hugo award more than 'Dreamsnake'.

This novel was recommended by favorite author Mark Waid in a podcast sometime back. Despite the movie tie-in cover it's an original novel set in the Superman comic book world of 1978.

Here Superman can zip across time and space under his own power, and Clark Kent is a TV news anchorman. It features his reluctant team-up with jailbird genius (and hero?) Lex Luthor.

I thought it was a fascinating look at the history of their antagonistic relationship as they struggle to save the entire galactic arm from an alien corporate takeover together. Also starring Albert Einstein and very possibly God.

It's funny and moving. It's a realistic take on arguably the most outlandish version of Superman: the Pre-Crisis Superman. Go big or go home, I say!

I've read or seen Supes' origin story so often that I feel this novel deserves special mention; it has something original to say with what must have seemed (even then) like tired, dated characters.

I started the sequel 'Miracle Monday' right afterwards, and I hope to read more from Maggin in the future. Shouldn't be too hard to find some: he wrote Superman for about ten years in the seventies and eighties.

Wonderful Chap.

2011-02-25T15:40:00.002-08:00

Ask me again when I'm 80 and I'll tell you 81 years are not enough. But I'd be content (with reservations- let's face it, I'm not great with contentment) if I was immortalized by fans as devoted as the Doctor Who crowd.

I wouldn't be terribly surprised if Nicholas Courtney is still remembered in 2050 (when his beloved character, the Brigadier, is said to have died in his sleep).

Nor in the year 4000 AD- when Bret Vyon (descendant of the Brig, perhaps?) perished in the eternal struggle with the Daleks.

Will the Face of Boe still dream dreams of UNIT defending the Earth billions of years from now in the decades after the End of the World?

I don't know. But it's a cinch Whovians will remember Nicholas Courtney with great honour and fondness.

Remembered, with hope and the right friends, even beyond the death of time.

You Remember What We Did Yesterday?

2011-02-23T14:50:00.001-08:00

"We saved the world. Again. You don't think THAT has any value? Well think again, pal. The Justice League goes on, with or without you."

Words in Green Arrow's mouth.

Words from Superman's.

Or maybe it was a ticked-off She-Hulk, complaining to Damage Control in 1989?

Where did I enjoy him first, or best? I don't know for sure.

Dwayne McDuffie was a favorite writer of mine and I'm pretty sad about his death right now.

What I can say is that he made plenty of great cartoons and comics. Enough that I'll still have more to discover for a little while yet.

Comic book super-heroes cannot afford to lose a writer like Dwayne McDuffie. They can't. They can't afford to lose a guy who genuinely loved them, and gave back to that strange community in myriad ways.

He made Reed Richards, the Millar-monster of Civil War, a man I could respect again.

His fun-loving Flash, was always ready with the right flippant quip.

His Batman was dark, but had kindness beneath his hard edge.

His Hawkgirl was a vicious killer with deep feelings of tenderness.

His Superman was too good for our world, and bad-ass enough to save it anyway.

"I believe in second chances. I believe in redemption. But mostly I believe in my friends."

Dwayne McDuffie was brave, and bold. He was too honest, he was too young, and I admired him very much.

I say of him what he said of Greg 'Gravity' Willis in the last panel of 'Beyond!'.

"HE WAS ONE OF THE GOOD GUYS."

My Favorite Characters: Astronaut a l'Orange

2011-02-16T17:42:00.002-08:00

He braves the space-ways in the twenty fourth and a half century.

He keeps the people of Earth safe from the insidious Martian scourge.

He is a cartoon duck.

Duck Dodgers is a jerk.

He's a greedy, grasping, cowardly, criminally negligent egomaniac.

Surviving like an avian parasite on the efforts of his devoted underling, the hapless Eager Young Space Cadet.

And those are his good qualities.

Dodgers is a cad with the ladies, cheap as a wooden nickel, and always out for himself.

Only a deluded fool or a bloated military would put him at the helm of a spaceship.

Worse, because he's a cartoon, he is completely un-killable.

Fortunately, he's off the air now, and we can rest easy.

Especially because he is VERY metafictional: a character portrayed by the equally fictional Warner Brothers cartoon star Daffy Duck (the Chuck Jones/Tex Avery creation who is in turn portrayed by Mel Blanc, and in his 2003 Duck Dodgers TV series by gifted mimic Joe Alaskey).

From his first appearance in 1953 to his swan song in 2006 on Cartoon Network (a series I greatly enjoyed but which some criticized as 'playing to the lowest common denominator') I love to hate this guy. Just as I love the lowly Cadet, pompous I.Q. High, sultry Queen Tyr'ahnee, and of course, the ever obsequious Marvin the Martian. But if the duck doesn't get top billing, it's curtains for me with disintegrator pistols, see?

Moreover, I love my wife for bringing them all back to me across the interwebs.

(I'd buy it, of course... if the mucky-mucks ever resolve the rights issues to the DVD, or remember it exists. Hint hint.)

It's a dated sci-fi parody that only someone who's not too particular could love.

And I do! As long as it's not obstructing my view of Venus.

(Dodgers seen here in my favorite episode 'The Green Loontern" pestering classic Green Lantern straight-man Kilowog of Bolovax Vik.)

Finally, thanks to Duck Dodgers, there is someone LESS worthy to be a Green Lantern than G'Nort.

Cute Cartoon Couples

2011-02-14T15:29:00.000-08:00

For my Valentine's Day event, I bring you a "VD Explosion": the five cutest couples of animation.

5. Ranma Saotome & Akane Tendo of Ranma 1/2 remain the gold standard of cute: affianced against their will and perpetually on each other's nerves, yet always very much in love.

4. Try to resist Owen and Izzy of Total Drama. It can't be done. The fattest cartoon boy and most deranged cartoon girl in all of cartoon Canada are keeping it real.

3. The course of true love across time and space never runs smooth for Philip Fry & Turanga Leela of Futurama...

2. But fates entwine seemingly without any effort at all for Querl "Brainiac 5" Dox & Kara "Supergirl" Zor-El of Justice League Unlimited.

1. Buzz Lightyear of Star Command and Jessie the Yodelin' Cowgirl of Toy Story 3. Stalwart, dashing man of the future: meet rip-roarin' spitfire gal of the past. It's magical when worlds collide.

There's many millions more and you know who they are.

Happy Valentines Day.

The Hugos: Downbelow Station

2011-02-13T12:05:00.000-08:00

'Downbelow Station' by Carolyn J. Cherryh won the 1982 Hugo award for best novel.

That is a given.

All else being equal, how can the BEST SCI-FI novel of the WHOLE year be so astoundingly dull? There's a space war, a space station, a tribe of cute fuzzy aliens, and it STILL manages to be the second worst Hugo (for my taste) of the decade.

I read this on my real-life wonderful amazing trip to Disneyworld in Florida with my lady love and our friends. That trip remains my gold standard of heavenly temperatures, tranquil surroundings, and overall enjoyment. Best trip EVER, is all I'm trying to say.

Meanwhile in hotel room, airport, and airplanes that horrible, boring book droned on in my head for what I believe was seven million pages. It's all bland inactivity far from the battle and third person immersion in the minds of some very unappealing characters unmatched until I read 'Cyteen'.

You can pitch this book to me by pointing out that Pell Station in the 24th Century is a lot like Babylon 5, or that the planet Pell has the Hisa (who are very similar to the Ewoks I loved unequivocally in my youth).

On goodreads.com (where I gave it 2 stars out of five, still willing to give the author an "O.K." for effort) reviewers favorably compared Cherryh (the 'H' is fictional, it's actually Cherry) to fellow Hugo winners Le Guin or Bujold. Some favorably compared her morally bankrupt female starship captain character to Kirk or Picard(!)

Doesn't make it true, I just mention it for comparison: lots of people LIKE this. C.J. is touted as a master of 'hard sf'.

If true, I think the subgenre should be renamed 'Hard-to-take sf'.

I prefer human characters with open minds, kind hearts, and a sense of humor, I guess, at least if I have to invest weeks in the reading.

Bujold is superior, and either Kirk or Picard is preferable.

My Favorite Characters: Hi Ho Duke!

2011-02-09T15:58:00.000-08:00

"You had me at meat tornado."

My usual focus (some might say myopic obsession) here at Mike's Best Blog Ever is genre fiction, typically the subset once known as scientifiction. Or SYFY, for whatever THAT'S worth.

But of late my PVR is piled high with situation comedies, and I gotta tell ya: I'm fine with that.

Parks & Recreation, somehow entering its third season despite being too awesome for TV, is one I really appreciate. Set in the Pawnee, Indiana Parks & Rec Department, this delightful show (like real life) has only real human beings, few mustache-twirling super-villains. So with some reluctance (they're ALL too damn funny & easy to recognize myself in) I present my favorite character: Ron Swanson.

Libertarian director of the department who wishes all government was miniscule and run like a Chuck E. Cheese, Ron IS greatness. Swanson (portrayed with understated aplomb by Nick Offerman) possesses the insidious qualities of selfishness and indolence in such a relatable proportion that I find it impossible to condemn his evil ways.

After all, well-intentioned people working hard to BETTER the community (case in point, series lead Leslie Knope) are bound to screw it up most of the time.

But he who never tries, never fails.

Also, he's not failing in his secret career as jazz musician Duke Silver.

Moreover, when goaded or coerced with foodstuffs (not unlike a dancing bear) Ron Swanson CAN be made to help others. Grudgingly.

Gruff. Manly. Possessed of a thick torso. Avoids skim milk. Devisor of the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness (shown here and everywhere else on the interwebs).

I shit you not: you should be watching Parks and Recreation.

And turning your own pit into a park.

The Unspeakable & You

2011-02-08T17:35:00.000-08:00

He shares my birthday, my misguided misanthropy, and my fascination with weird, alien creatures.

Nearly one hundred years ago, H.P. Lovecraft began writing his macabre fictions. (Click on that link if you want to see S.T. Joshi gush about his mad scribblings.)

Last week, I finished slogging (shoggoth-ing?) though a batch of them in "The Call of Cthulhu and other Weird Stories". (A worthy book club pick from the worthy Dr. Teeth.)

I am most weary of Cyclopean architecture, adjective laden second-hand reports, and dead gods that stink of fish.

The back cover review from Stephen King declares saucy H.P. "unsurpassed" in twentieth century horror. Lovecraft was surpassed by plenty! Edgar Burroughs and C.L. Moore to name contemporaries I have read. Stephen King and Neil Gaiman to name his (superior) disciples of the creepy. Sour grapes, you say? No doubt about it. I simply couldn't find many juicy thrills in these tales.

Influential? Absolutely. Bookmonkey is quite fond of him, as many are, and I am fond of Bookmonkey, so I don't want to get caught up in a rant.

I think what frightened me most was the worry that the man might infect me from beyond the grave with his clinical, paranoid, hateful attitudes to his fellow hu-mons.

Do ALL unendurable creatures from beyond walk hand in hand with the 'degenerate, mongrel races'?

I don't suppose (upon discovering one is not of PURE white blood) you could maybe... I dunno, NOT set yourself on fire?

I was glad to have read a classic I've heard so much about. I now get an even bigger kick out of the song "The Innsmouth Look" by The Darkest of the Hillside Thickets. Miscegenation!

For me, probably thanks to Star Trek, the unknown is to be desired, not rooted out.
Integration spells L-O-V-E.

Don't get your advice on outsiders from a shut-in, no matter how scholarly.

Cthulhu was pretty cool, though. This April 2, give him a big hug on his deathday!

Sex With Robots: Whaddya Think?

2011-02-06T05:59:00.001-08:00

Last week I read the first chapter of Sherry Turkle's 'Alone Together', a study of the societal sea changes that may be causing us to devalue human relationships in favour of artificial ones.

Just shortly beforehand, I watched the 'Proposition Infinity' episode of Futurama, featuring protests in the year 3010 to legalize human-robot (robosexual) marriage.

They got me thinking WAY too much about this...

Did I ever think robot girls were sexy?

After a day, I could only come up with three, and there were problems.

3. Andrea from 'What Are Little Girls Made Of?', original Star Trek episode. Sure, she's a snappy dresser, but I'd be more worried about snappy necks. (Screw loose!)

2. Andromeda Ascendant 'The Ship Made Flesh' from 'Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda' is the bodiless brain of a spaceship, an intangible hologram, or an android gal pal. The android Rommie, like poor insane Andrea, might be capable of love but quickly became 'The Flesh Made Super-Ninja'. I like tough chicks, but there's limits.

1. Finally, Roberta from 'Not Quite Human II' (before WALL-E it was my favorite robot romance) was safe, sweet, innocent- perfect for safe, sweet robot boyfriend Chip. And VERY high maintenance: get too far from a wall socket and her whole memory would erase. That's not as good as it sounds!

For every three fictional robots I remember with limited sex appeal, there are 100 like the Crushinator, and 'a lady that fine, you gotta ROMANCE first'.

So I fully admit: some lady androids have a pleasing shape. They own the capacity to arouse, like a doll or a statue or a painting. But, ultimately, I was surprised an uber-nerd like me just doesn't think of robots THAT WAY.

No Spark Plugs in my Spank Bank, if you will.

Alien girls... you bet. Bring on the groobies! But robots...

Is it the emotionless, glassy stare?

Maybe it's because robots in fiction tend to have traditionally MALE qualities: they're strong, fast, hard, etc. Often with extra loyalty and obedience, sure, but...

As Howard Wolowitz can attest, there's no expression 'Pleasant as a Robot's Handjob'.

Suck it, robots! (That was not a command! You stay away from my junk, robots.)

So, it's not for me. That said, I'm all for tolerance, especially for things I don't understand.

This link has an elaborate report I skimmed on Technosexuality. (Sorry, I'm both timid about this and kind of lazy.) Dildonics, gynoids, sexual gymnastics equipment, whatever the term: they're here. They've been around since Pygmalion and they're not going anywhere.

And so what? As noted perverts Barnes and Barnes sang: "If you hurt no one, you've done nothing wrong."

Sex requires consent. Everything else has its own word.

I don't want to stand in the way of anyone's right to love.

But until real world robots can consent (meaning, they'd be just as likely to TURN YOU DOWN as anyone else) then no matter how sophisticated the experience we're still talking about a device, not a partner.

And for my money, the finest, most readily available device for the alleviation of loneliness is still the Mark One Hand.

So try a little harder, stretch a little farther, if you want the big rewards reach beyond devices, take the bigger risks and remember what the Eleventh Doctor told Jeff: "Get a girlfriend."

Or (thank the seven pillars of VooLoo!) a wife. Tempting as a totally compliant appliance might SOUND, I believe, for myself, it will NEVER compare with the rush and the ride that is the give and take of a true relationship. Show me a robot that offers that... I'll still choose my wife.

(Because last night was AMAZING, batteries not included.)

My Favorite Characters: Math Boy

2011-02-02T15:02:00.000-08:00

"Give me a break, this is my second spaceship... and my first was yesterday."

Back in 2009, Eli Wallace (portrayed by David Blue) loved science fiction, was a math and computer genius, and had quit MIT before graduating to work at a fast food place.

He'd become a jobless shut-in who learned an imaginary language and cracked a complex code in that language, solving several puzzles in order to defeat the video game called Prometheus.

In short order he met Richard Dean Anderson (I mean General Jack O'Neill of the top secret Stargate project) who revealed the government had released the video game to find guys like Eli to recruit for missions to other planets.

It does sound kind of similar to something that happened to a trailer park repair guy called Alex Rogan back in the '80's...

Anyway, it plays brilliantly into the fantasy of being rewarded for doing the things you enjoy, just as I imagine the Prime Minister will soon be mailing me a giant check for my tireless efforts to see every episode of "Corner Gas".

I love Eli. And the IDEA of Eli. How can I not like a guy who so reminds me of me? Only ten years younger, funny, and possessed of useful skills.

How can I not thrill to his every success, just as I desperately hope I would succeed in dire circumstances rather than collapsing on the floor and bawling for help.

None of the characters on "Stargate Universe" trained to be where they are, but Eli barely trained for ANYTHING. He has the moral compass I admire the most, however. He's the inheritor of the "lovable science nerd" mantle from previous Stargate TV greats Dr. Daniel Jackson (Michael Shanks) and Dr. M. Rodney McKay (David Hewlett).

Trapped far out of his comfort zone, Eli makes the ordeal seem more like an adventure. He's the optimist version of his shipmate Dr. Nicholas Rush, not yet crushed by life. Worry over his mother's illness back on Earth, coupled with a dismal, tragic romantic life, have piled many stresses on him and I want him to win through.

If the show stays cancelled, I'll have to assume he did. He may be scared, but he's good.

The Hugos: The Snow Queen

2011-01-31T15:51:00.000-08:00

You'll never be rid of me! I've ruled this blog for 150 years and I've created my own clone to rule it for the NEXT 150 years! Suck on that, internet!

Sorry, for a moment I thought I was the titular lead character in the 1980 novel by Joan D. Vinge, winner of the 1981 Hugo Award for Best Novel: The Snow Queen.

It's a sci-fi version of the Hans Christian Anderson fable with which witch I am not familiar.

I am, however, familiar with Dune and Star Wars. Take a water planet with big sentient fish instead of a dessert planet with giant worms, then the characters from "Star Wars" only gender-reversed, add a thousand kilograms of court intrigue and you've got 'The Snow Queen'!

That's over simplifying, something I wish this VERY long book had done.

Now, I didn't set out to bash it and I don't want to: I need you to understand that as a dude I don't WANT to trash the efforts of lady writers, but sometimes that's how I'm wired.

So I'll repeat what I said at the time: this would make a good movie, with the right people involved and a lot of luck it could really be the girl geek version of 'Star Wars'. But I only thought it was O.K.

Moon isn't a terrible protagonist, and the Snow Queen is a fine villain. Unfortunately, the romantic interest, Sparks, is impossible to like. He's pretty, easily manipulated, and a sexual captive for the villain, like a traditional princess. Oh, dear, how I hated him.

As I read others' reviews, I noticed a lot of people liked the robot. I don't even remember this character anymore! And I LOVE robots!

I DO remember wind-swept, empty, coastlines and back-stabbing, decadent, palace conversations. Or was it empty conversations and a wind-swept palace?

I'd read this author again, maybe her series with magic cats?

Recommended for those who love fantasy and, ideally, have vaginas.

I still like her better than her ex-husband Vernor.

The Frabjous Portmanteau Word

2011-01-30T15:11:00.001-08:00

I've got to give credit where credit is due: while I bought a Gil Elvgren page-a-day pin-up calendar for 2011, my buddy Ron bought one for archaic word definitions, and this week we were pleased to learn the name for a word category everyone is already familiar with.

Whenever you use the words blaxploitation, frenemy, or jeggings, you're using what Lewis Carroll called a portmanteau word; "packing two words into one suitcase". He coined the tag in 1871, but the words have been around since at least 1812 and in our ever time-conscious world of information compression (infopression) we mash-up more of them all the time. Sexting. Emoticon. Blog.

While Carroll's poem 'Jabberwocky' is largely composed of invented terms it is hardly nonsense, containing many portmanteaus: the fumious bandersnatch is "fuming & furious", while the mimsy borogoves are "flimsy & miserable".

Now, you can gerrymander about Brangelina over brunch, chortling all the while, and you'll be using portmanteau words and seeing them everywhere.

I was all set to dazzle you with three I came up with myself!

However, Google tells me Piers Anthony wrote 'Pornucopia' in 1989. (Just, as an aside, thanks to my friend Anthony for his recent gift of a buttload of paperbacks, including many of Piers' Xanth titles. You rule, man!)

And there's already a board game called 'Prediculous', which I was going to define as something both predictable and ridiculous, as in "Smallville's getting ANOTHER season? How very prediculous!"

Finally, say it with me, "What awful shade of fake tan does Jersey Shore's Snooki use?"

Answer: Whorange.

Goodnight everyone! Drive safe!

My Favorite Characters: YER FATHER'S MUSTACHE!

2011-01-26T16:54:00.000-08:00

Naw, that's not a character! That's the best thing my favorite character Jughead derisively blurts in a collection of comics from the 1940's and 1950's.

'Archie Firsts' from Dark Horse reprints is a treasure trove of historical antics and kooky first appearances of classic comic-type characters.

Like Jughead.

Forsythe P. Jones III, created 70 years ago, manages to be a high school student every year since 1941, a fine feat indeed!

Is it the power of his teeny weeny magic beanie?

Somehow related to his adventures with the Time Police?

I now honestly believe that Archie Comics carefully and deliberately present us, the loyal readership, with more than 70 consistent but alternate dimensions (probably many more) and seventy plus versions of Juggie. These plethora of Jugshead iconoclastically sport shirts with an enigmatic "S" on the front, some have an equally mystifying "13" on the back. (Also the bizarre TV Jughead whose hat is pink for some reason.)

From the version your grandfather might have raced in a soapbox derby to the radical '80's drummer dude with the fade haircut, to the guy ordering burgers with his iPhone, it's always essentially Jughead: rail thin, lazier than his dog, winner of every eating contest, and loser (by fervent choice) in the game of love.

I love outlandish tales, and frankly I thought very little of Archie Comics until I started reading them recently. (After all, they only occasionally feature superheroes and space travel!) But they DO feature engaging, funny, essentially ordinary characters in outlandish situations.

I may never have had to transport an eccentric billionaire's stuffed swordfish on a bus before, but now I can imagine it! Thanks to Jughead and his many writers and artists.

Jug may be a sarcastic loafer who eschews the fairer sex in favor of epicurean delights, but perhaps more than any other qualities I admire his pragmatism, forthrightness and loyalty to his friends.

If you have a pal like Jughead you can count yourself thrice blessed! He's the sort of pal I hope to be myself. (THRICE!)

There's even a dimension or two where ol' 'girl-hating' Jughead got hitched. Specifically, a month back in 'Life With Archie', our twenty-something soda jerk married fellow Pop Tates' employee Midge Klump (ex-girlfriend of Moose Mason). In one specific possible future, the proposal took the form of an economic partnership to make it easier for them to attain a small business loan. But... there was more to the story than dollar signs...

I wish them the best in their struggle and can only assume Jug and Midge aren't misguided enough to trade their marriage to Mephisto or Mr. Lodge or anybody else.

Because... it ain't the Archies without the Jughead beat.

TV REVIEW: Generator Rex

2011-01-24T15:34:00.000-08:00

Due to the seeming diminishment of new sci-fi TV, I roam farther afield to bring you news of possible merit.

Generator Rex is the latest teen sci-fi super-hero cartoon from "Man of Action", the team of dudes who created the lucrative Ben 10 series-es's. It tells the tale of a future time, 5 years after a horrible 'Event' unleashed tiny mechanisms into the atmosphere. These nanites now infuse every living thing, periodically causing random & drastic genetic changes. Those affected are known as EVOs (Exponentially Variegated Organisms). With one exception these mutants cannot control their abilities and/or have gone mad: Rex (Daryl Sabara).

In the footsteps of shape-shifters like Metamorpho, the T-1000, Star Trek's Odo, but mostly cyborg law enforcer Inspector Gadget, Rex can extrude massive, seemingly mechanical, appendages such as a helicopter backpack, piston powered jumping boots, grasping tongs or cutting shears. And, sometimes, his touch can cure other EVOs.

These abilities make him a prized commodity for Providence, the SHIELD-meets-Torchwood quasi-military agency tasked with saving civilization from rampaging science monsters.

Meet the lovely but no-nonsense Dr. Holiday (Grey DeLisle). And the laconic, no-nonsense be-suited swordsman Agent Six (Wally Kurth). Even the talking monkey Bobo (John DiMaggio) isn't especially pro-nonsense. And he has laser guns.

Somewhat unhelpfully, Teletoon ran the episodes out of sequence, episode 4 first, then 1 & 2. Fortunately, the show is very action-oriented, and not yet burdened with much back-story.

What happened during the Event? How did Rex lose his memory? What are the various oogey-boogey EVOs and clandestine shadowy figures up to next, most especially the head of Providence, White Knight (J.K. Simmons)?

Will the space police known as Plumbers (featured in Ben 10) stop by to help?

O.K., not too likely.

Based on the Image comic 'M.Rex' and very slickly animated, this is a better experience than your average episode of new 'V'. In the fickle world of TV, I give it 2 seasons.

*the works is a beating so intense you'll pray for death

2011-01-21T14:44:00.000-08:00

Am I ill-informed, I ask myself?

Yes, I answer.

If you ask me when Jenny was cloned from the

10th Doctor in the Doctor Who episode "The Doctor's Daughter", I'd answer "Why, 6012, of course!" (Except I probably won't even have that same information available later on. I feel like even the useless sci-fi trivia I've jammed my mind with is fading faster all the time.)

But ask me real-world questions like when are Georgia Moffat & David Tennant to be wed, I haven't the slightest clue.

Thank goodness for Conan O'Brien! He's a talk-show host on TBS with fierce red hair and beard, a quick wit, and freakishly long legs he's fated to lose in the war of 2012.

In my early twenties I watched his show because I didn't sleep as much or as early. Enough so that I tended to see (or dream) hot sauce commercials where cowboys lasso big ol' floatin' heads.

But I've lost my thread here... CONAN! Yes, Conan's show on NBC was great fun but I lost touch over the years, and I'm glad to have rediscovered him in time to have seen him rendered by Warner Bros.' Bruce Timm as "official" DC superhero 'The Flaming C' (that's him below there, out- bearding Aquaman and looking all outlandish with his loafers, fishnets, jai alai glove and eternally-smoking oven mitt.)

You never quite know what to expect from Conan, and that's a rare commodity. Talking like a turn-of-the last century radio pitchman, prancing about in women's jeggings, or chasing Gary Busey with his name-emblazoned zeppelin, Conan O'Brien dances on my fun zone till I can't walk. Or something less filthy-sounding.

Thanks also to PVR, a device allowing me, a guy who sleeps at 9 PM, to watch Conan's comedy antics at my leisure. Often while choking over my dinner. With laughter! And with my lady wife. (She, granted, is better at setting the PVR and at all forms of technology, really.)

Thanks to Andy Richter as well, O'Brien's loveable compatriot (lovely picture on right). He's a swell actor and his TV shows get cancelled too fast. I like him SO much, he should probably have top billing over an inanimate device like my PVR. Too late!

Actually, I think all Conan's guests so far this year have been American, so the 'keeping me informed about UK celebrity gossip paradigm' off the top was pointless, really. And how 'real world' IS celebrity gossip anyway?

Don't care. If my argument was going to be that Conan was keeping me grounded and informed, I guess it's partly true. It's more important to me that I be edutained than educated anyway.

Plus I learned the Minty the Candy Cane song. (He briefly fell on the ground.)

And I got this fine image cap for my computer wallpaper:

What is truth, anyhoo? Is there in truthiness no beauty?

The Conan show is a succulent, juicy burger with the works.*

My Favorite Characters: Bad & Bookish

2011-01-19T16:29:00.000-08:00

It's a shame my cursory research reveals today's favorite character just wasn't around that much. But she doesn't wear that much, so... wey-hey!

Jennifer Maloy (Ace name 'Wraith') is a super-powered librarian sneak thief created by John J. Miller for the Wild Cards series of mosaic novels edited by the famous George R. R. Martin.

A certain librarian buddy of mine (doesn't dress like this) gave me the first twelve Wild Cards novels for my most recent birthday, and I've just finished book four.

The story continues to unfold for me of an Earth forever altered by the Takis-A xenovirus, an engineered plague from space that killed tens of thousands when it appeared in the 1940's, mutated thousands into hideous 'jokers', and bestowed unfathomable superpowers on lucky hundreds.

Such as Jennifer Maloy, a mild-mannered librarian whose intangibility power (like X-Men's Kitty Pryde or the Justice League's Martian Manhunter & his 'niece') allows her to pass through solid objects like... a wraith. The catch is, she can't be intangible AND carry stolen items AND support much in the way of clothing. It's either booty or boo-tay! Tee-hee!

She's a thief for thrills and a good cause: she steals from the corrupt and gives to battered women and homeless kitties.

Many of the "superheroes" in the Wild Card stories are only vaguely heroic, with many dragging MASSIVE feet of clay. I appreciate Wraith for her titillation factor, but also because she's genuinely kind and good in a primarily grim-and-gritty universe.

(I like the robotic Modular Man & the rotund telekinetic Turtle, too, but they don't make as pleasing a picture in their bikinis.)

The Hugos: The Fountains of Paradise

2011-01-17T15:27:00.000-08:00

Is it gauche to suggest that only a gay guy could invent the space elevator?

Not that a classic tiny, thrusting rocket isn't a little obvious, too, but when it comes to erecting the Earth a mighty, turgid structure, a real MAN'S apparatus, there's nothing like a big, black carbon nano-tube phallus that reaches 1/15th of the way to the moon, pally!

That's the main character of Arthur Clarke's 'The Fountains of Paradise': an elevator 3 times the diameter of the Earth, designed to make 22nd century space travel safer and more economical. Especially if they get to... I mean HAVE to... knock down some monk-covered mountain in Asia.

An engineering feat for the ages.

A machine from atop which to scoff at the gods.

Take that, Zeus! Mine's bigger!

Ahem. Sorry.

I only gave 1980's Hugo-winning novel 2 stars out of 5.

When I reviewed Clarke's 1973 winner here, I was lukewarm but I used the word 'fun' a time or two.

Not so much this time out.

It has all the hot, engineering action and all the cool eastern philosophy you could ever want... certainly more than I did.

Maybe if it was about a nice, tight, wormhole... with boobs...

TV REVIEW: The Cape

2011-01-16T18:13:00.001-08:00

I've been languishing in vile illness all week and what didn't make me feel better was the pilot for NBC's 'The Cape'.

I cannot recall a superhero pilot I hated SO much, SO fast. Mindless drivel. Really dumb. It moves so slowly that 2 hours felt like 9. Keep in mind I still watch 'Smallville'(!)

First, I don't like most hundred-year old pulp heroes anyway: from the era when having super-powers meant owning a GUN! And a MASK!

Our brave hero has the powers of 2 carnys and a cape that can do 37 things. (Get caught in a revolving door, get caught in a jet engine... the list probably goes on.)

The performances were fine, slightly over the top but that's for the best. Because the writing was dog vomit. (SPOILERS.)

The terrorist villain Chess frames our hero Vince 'the only good cop in Palm City' by tightly affixing the Chess mask to his head and sending him out to be framed and exploded on camera. Clever move, right? All blame deflected forever... so WHY does the villain continue to dress as Chess? Wouldn't that ruin the whole point of the frame-up?

And why are we meant to trust the carny folk Vince falls in with so quickly? They go from literally threatening to CUT HIS HEAD OFF and dump him in the desert to training him in the Carny Arts in about 20 seconds. The hell?

Finally, and no offense to Cameron the Terminator/River Tam, but the computer genius girl Oracle (sorry, ORWELL) looks pretty foolish fighting the French poisoner Cain.

Not physically, I'm sure the point of the scene was to show us how bad-ass Orwell is: it's that she shouldn't have been goaded into the kitchen to fight this knob in the first place!

Sigh.

2011 will see the end of 'Stargate Universe', but I have a feeling crap like 'The Cape' will run for 10 years.

In the words of Edna Mode: NO CAPES!

Binge on Fringe- Season 2

2011-01-07T16:34:00.000-08:00

It's a follow-up post!

I NEVER really do this!

Looking over my tag list for ideas I realized I need a follow-up to 'Binge on Fringe- Season 1', now that I've recently finished Fringe Season 2.

Thanks, as ever, to Ron for providing me with these things to watch.

Yes, I'm still hooked. No, I still don't like anybody. The stiff, dead-inside FBI gal, the unshaven jerk and his appalling father- or IS he?

Spoilers abound in EVERYTHING I might say here, so I don't know how to go about this, but I can tell you I enjoyed the episodes called August, Peter, Jacksonville, White Tulip, Brown Betty, and Over There the most this season.

And there's more specifically 'sci-fi stuff' by volume. More plentiful special effects, too. (Never enough for me. Not ever. You'd need a dump truck full of sci-fi with sci-fi sprinkles on it to make me buy this series.)

But I am forced to admit the writing and performances are TOP-NOTCH. I feel fans of ordinary mysteries and horrors who can suspend their disbelief slightly would be more pleased than I am.

Do you know, I didn't realize the guy who plays Walter Bishop (John Noble) played Denethor in the Lord of the Rings movies until today? He's different kinds of horrible madmen in both, fascinating to watch, like some cobra in human form.

One of my favorite bits was opening credits redone for a 1985 episode.

I'll be watching the remainder of season 3 as it airs.

You got me, Ron! Like it or not.

You should check outside for flying pigs as well: I'm giving the V-make another chance tonight, too.

(Maybe that tooth I lost was my wisdom tooth?)

My Favorite Characters: The Mighty One

2011-01-05T20:00:00.000-08:00

With the dress sense of James Dean, the hair of Conan O'Brien, named for Phil Hartman and a battered potato wedge, I present a favorite character from a beloved cartoon program:

Philip J. Fry, star of the decade-young animated sci-fi comedy series Futurama, is an old friend, dear to my heart. Created by Matt Groenig, David X. Cohen and company, voiced by the inestimable Billy West, Fry is a reluctant hero in a confusing time.

Frozen from 1999 to 2999 while attempting to deliver a pizza, Fry finds himself... in the Future!

The year 3000 is equal parts utopia and dystopia, with everything everyone could ever want at every moment, and a suicide booth in every food court.

Surrounded by oddball characters and faced with bizarre challenges, Fry confronts his brave new world with a minimum of brains, charm, and skill, yet armed with a maximum of incurable optimism. He's literally not clever enough to be miserable for long.

When he pays attention, he can be counted on to help his chums to the best of his admittedly meager ability.

"I had it all. A low-paying job, several friends, and a bed in a robot's closet. I envied no man!"

Clueless, hapless, but never hopeless, the good-hearted delivery boy with the cobbled-together brainwaves has made Futurama a delight to re-visit since 2000.

Not least the latest DVD package (which my dearest wife gave me this Xmas).

I love that lady like Fry loves Leela. I'm gonna get her SO MANY lizards!

Thrill again and again to the exploits of the Planet Express crew, I say!

To the FUTURE!

The Hugos: Dreamsnake

2011-01-03T15:36:00.000-08:00

I celebrate the birth of a new year with the last Hugo winning novel of the 1970's.

Praise be to Heinlein, now I can FINALLY start complaining about the 1980's Hugos!

Sigh. It's true. I have NO idea what they were thinking in the seventies. With three exceptions I don't have a lot of praise for this decade in terms of Hugo awards. And while the eighties has my LEAST favorite winner so far, it's not too awful otherwise.

Nor is 'Dreamsnake' AWFUL. Two stars out of five is something I considered O.K. The COVER is DREADFUL! But the story's o.k.

I REALLY got the impression this was for girls instead of me. But the emphasis on snakes in the story itself means I won't ask my wife to read it and tell me. She HATES SNAKES, Jacque. HATES 'EM!

In a post-nuclear world, a noble desert woman with brains, guts, control over her body's autonomic functions, and a bag full of medicinal pet snakes takes on all comers. Sadly, not sexily.

The whole thing would probably have seemed better if I'd had a medicinal snake to fill with LSD and inject myself. In fact, I think it should be sold with packets of acid and a snake-training manual. Couldn't hoit!

(It would hoit.)

Author Vonda Neel McIntyre, I gotta say, is pretty cool. She wrote some of the first Star Trek novels I ever read (ripping good adaptations of the 2, 3, & 4th movies) as well as an original Star Trek novel which I quite enjoyed:

'Enterprise: The First Adventure', if I may be so bold, was a much better read by far than 'Dreamsnake'. Further fuel for the fire in my belly that Hugos aren't ever handed out to franchised or shared world novels. A pox upon you for trying to be fair and unbiased, Hugo awards!

Grateful I am, beat out a book by C.J. Cherryh, this did.

Yes. Talk like Yoda, I do.

All These Worlds Are Yours

2010-12-31T09:24:00.000-08:00

The space shuttles are being decommissioned, the Hubble telescope is soon to de-orbit, and the habitable extrasolar world Gliese 581g might or might not exist.

But in more EXCITING space news, night vanishes forever this year when a horde of bizarre alien monoliths devoured Jupiter and ignited the remains as a second sun!

So, that happened.

Welcome to the Earth of the future. A world of Perpetual Twilight. (Although, thankfully, not the book and movie franchise).

U.S. President Arthur Clarke & Russian Premier Stanley Kubrick urge a world in the grip of the Cold War to remain calm and go back to their beer pong.

We here at Mike's Best Blog Ever wish the crew of spaceship Leonov well on their return journey from Jupiter's moon Io:

John Lithgow, Roy Schieder, Helen Mirren, Bob Balaban- we wish you well. And David Bowman, whatever you are.

USE THIS BLOG TOGETHER.

USE IT IN PEACE.

They Fight Evil... With Mixed Results

2010-12-29T16:45:00.000-08:00

"I can't watch this!"- Todd cries, appalled by something horrific not meant for human eyes.

"I can't NOT watch this!"- his friend Curtis responds, MUCH too excited.

If I had just one channel, (and trust me, that is not the case) I'd want it to be the SPACE channel. The same people who brought me the heartwarming Doctor Who Christmas special (which was tremendous, by the by) also bring me this spine-chilling horror comedy from the frozen plains of Winnipeg: Todd & The Book of Pure Evil.

Apparently, I was the only one I know watching this 13 episode violence and cursing-filled tale of two stoner buddies and a pair of somewhat cleverer young ladies who attempt to stop a Satanic Tome intent on granting wishes in the same manner as Lisa the Genie from 'Weird Science' only with the same mortality rate as the Djinn from 'Wishmaster'.

Director/creator Craig David Wallace brings all this unpleasantness together in a high-schoolers battle monsters heavy-metal-loving splatter fest with heart. Yes, I know that's a lot to ask, but I swear I think this works. For kids! (NOT FOR KIDS.)

"Supported" by the world's worst guidance counselor and a janitor mentor, will Todd and his friends save Crowley High? Will they save EVEN ONE PERSON from grisly death?

Watch it this January. IT'S YOUR LAST CHANCE!

Probably.

My Favorite Characters: The Daft Punk MP3s

2010-12-22T13:58:00.000-08:00

This past Saturday was a delight when I went with friends to TRON: Legacy. The original TRON is a great favorite of mine, and this film is a worthy successor.

My friend Kirk beat me to the punch, character-wise, on his blog.

I was most satisfied by the return of zen beardy Kevin Flynn & (too-briefly) of noble Alan Bradley, and by the technical accomplishment that is the dastardly CLU.

I was adequately served by angry Sam, and my favorite is surely the dashing, gleeful Quorra (seen here from behind, not on Flynn's ever-present couch). Classy, no?

But, fun as the picture is, when the writing or the editing (I can't say which until I see a DVD with deleted scenes) removes motivations and FEEELings in favor of MICHAEL! BAY! SPLOSIONS! you can lose the glimmer of overall significance.

Thus all due praise and props to: The Daft Punk MP3s. Musical Programs who deftly sweep us along and deliver the pulsing heartbeat that keeps this movie truly alive. Cool, robotic, driven, and soulful all at once.

The religiously zealous old-school TRON-fanatic Users who Wrote these living embodiments of electronica gave non-verbal voice to the hidden heart of this flick. Thanks, Daft Punk!

If the head of dialog fell too silent for my tastes, this movie is still a success in the visceral realms of thrilling sights and bit-blasting soundtrack.

Right on, programs!

Like the Max Rebo band before you, I can only hope you got offstage before the explosions.

The Hugos: Gateway

2010-12-13T13:59:00.001-08:00

Frederik Pohl is 91 years old, and writes a blog, which I only discovered today and therefore have very little to say about it. I read the entries tagged 'Gateway', the only book of his I've read, which won the Hugo award in 1978.

Pohl's won the Hugo for other things 3 times, and has a large body of work both as a writer and editor. I've snapped up several of his 'Heechee Saga' (Gateway is the first) books at used bookstores, but thanks to the lure of television I am practically illiterate, so they've just gathered dust for years.

Ancient treasures like Pohl and his books are the subject of 'Gateway', along with the wonder and terror of extremely dangerous space travel.

Picture this: an asteroid was left behind in our solar system eons ago by an advanced culture called the Heechee, about whom almost nothing is known. The asteroid, called Gateway, is a thriving destination for desperately insane prospectors struggling to survive on overpopulated Earth. Gateway is riddled with little automated interstellar spaceships that still... work. Kind of. Humans are dangerously underqualified to run these spaceships, but that's fine because nobody's qualified but the Heechee- and they're gone.

It works like a Vegas slot machine: get in the ship, pull the lever, and you takes your chances.

Two thirds of the people who get in the ships die- of starvation, radiation, deadly destinations, who-the-hell knows and other. Less than a third make it back to Gateway... but the lucky ones make themselves and Gateway Corporation filthy rich by discovering livable worlds, advanced technology, or other such doodads.

Our wealthy protagonist Bob relates the three such trips he risked his life on to his computer psychologist Sigfrid von Shrink. You know Bob got out alive... and yet...

This was a great concept and an exciting read, with very human characters and certain inescapable tragedies. Despite my preference for happy endings, I gave it 4 stars out of 5 on goodreads for some reason. It's good, is what I'm saying.

I'll be drawn back to the sequels someday- I never know what I'll get but I just can't resist the gamble.

Book Review: The Barsoom Series

2010-12-08T18:13:00.000-08:00

Kaor, John Carter, Warlord of Mars!

Kaor, Edgar "I Can Write Stories Just As Rotten As That" Burroughs!

And Kaor, Carlos, who loaned me the eleven delightful books of Barsoom!

Kaor (it means hello in Barsoomian, the tongue spoken on Mars) to you also, dear reader.

May I heartily recommend you borrow, scrounge, or have downloaded into your cerebellum these fine stories of the warlike red planet Barsoom. (I just can't stop saying it!)

These books spin a tale of pulpy high adventure from the days almost one hundred years agone, when men of Earth were men of Earth, red women of Mars were red women of Mars, and hideous giant fish-faced caterpillars from Jupiter were hideous giant fish-faced caterpillars from Jupiter.

Probably you know Burroughs best for his character Tarzan, at least if you are someone who's ever heard anything about anything.

Now, me? I like the version of Tarzan that Eddie invented first: the immortal Civil War veteran John Carter, who somehow astral projects his naked butt to Mars, battles the hordes of green barbarian Tharks, rescues the equally but incomparably naked butt

of the Incomparable Dejah Thoris, Princess of Helium, and inside of a few short books is running the whole damn planet (shown here) with his good right arm and phenomenal abs.

What courage!

What stamina!

Optimism up the wazoo!

After nine days without food and water you won't catch me winning any hundred-to-one swordfights (Book Three).

Carter meets an array of bizarre creatures, from the vicious four-armed white apes to the ever-mutating vats of synthetic men. He gathers (or sires) a veritable army of stalwart companions, from humorless Tars Tarkas to the spidery kaldane, to his spirited grand-daughter Llana of Gathol.

There can be a certain same-y-ness to these books if you read them in a matter of months (as I did) instead of over the forty years they were printed. You may find yourself nodding through another tale of dungeon escape, swashing buckles, and primary-colored princesses just-barely-saved from marriages worse than death.

But the sheer energy! The madness! The creatures! The passion! When Edgar Rice Burroughs decided he could write "just as rotten" as the pulps of his time, he started down a path that made him an unstoppable immortal. Kind of like Carter himself.

One day they'll be reading these on Barsoom itself, probably in the Burroughs crater, with genetically-engineered six-legged frogs snoozing at their feet in front of a roaring red moss fire. But they'll probably still wear pants, though.

Real Mars is chilly.

Starship Troopers 3: It's A Good Day To Sigh

2010-12-06T16:03:00.000-08:00

In case it's not apparent from my earlier posts, I was and am a big fan of the movie 'Starship Troopers'.

However, Starship Troopers 2 was such unutterable bilge I don't want to waste even one sentence describing how godawful...

So, Starship Troopers 3: Marauder. Sigh.

Yes, it's not good. It is a steaming piece of... cheese. But, that said, if you were a big fan of the original and there's nothing on but 'Dancing with the Bears', then, like me, you can watch this one without using the fast forward button... much.

Otherwise (and that's a big otherwise) just avoid it. The way I couldn't.

Casper Van (Not As Bad As Tom Welling) Dien returns to flash his derriere as Johnny Rico, finally given the (very brief) opportunity to drive the robot suits promised in the book. Like all the other 'special' effects, they left me not only underwhelmed but entirely Unwhelmed. (The robots, not the butt. Man's got a fine butt.)

The bugs that Rico's butt and company battle were apparently much cheaper and rarely effective- see one jarhead gutted by a cartoon you've seen them all. I enjoyed the bug nickname 'Archie' as in 'Archie's on the move, sir'. It's Riverdale, but stabbier.

Less enjoyable is the incomprehensible delivery of buxom Lt. Manikin- sorry, Manion, who was recruited to round out the Toplessness Division of the Federation, and who makes young Schwartzenegger sound like Sir Ian McKellan.

Speaking of objectionable, the part of Captain Beck goes to former Vulcan sexpot Jawlock Blaylock- sorry, Jolene Blowfish, SORRY- Jolene Blaylock. (Why? Why would you do that to your face?!?)

If I can go off tangent here, (if tangent I had,) then, Ladies of Hollywood and Earth, this lip surgery is the lady equivalent of the Comb-Over.

Yes, I'm sorry, but you're mortal.

Try to face it with dignity and stop listening to the doctors and hangers-on who aren't telling you: THAT looks WAY WORSE than natural aging.

Anyhoo, Sky Marshall Anoke livened up the proceedings as a merchandise-hawking, pop-singing, religious zealot who leads our heros(?) right down the vaginal gullet and pointy phalluses of the monstrous Behemecoatyl 'Brain of Brains', finally splattered by the planet-busting bomb promised in the book.

I return from the killing fields of planet Roku San to bring you these details so you don't have to. Do your part, Citizen! Pretend this trilogy stopped at one.

Stodgy or Sanctimonius... WHICH SHALL IT BE?

2010-12-03T15:20:00.000-08:00

In April 1927, sci-fi writer Herbert Wells lambasted 'Metropolis' in this review.

He begins by saying he doesn't think it would be 'possible to make a sillier film'.

Ten years later, he made a movie himself, and proved that ANYTHING is possible!

Wells calls Lang's movie 'thin bunkum', 'old-fashioned balderdash' and 'sentimentalizing make-believe' which 'ruins the market for any better film along these lines'.

Which brings me to 'Things To Come' (1936). And not in a good way.

It certainly IS devoid of sentiment- that is to say, it is a plodding morass of wretched tedium where I was hard pressed to find ANY emotion I could identify with save the obvious notion that 'war is bad'.

The film covers 100 years (and feels like it, too) in an hour and a half.

The first half hour introduces us to stilted conversations and warbling hymns as the London Blitz comes to Everytown a year late in 1940 and global war stays until the mid-sixties. This is followed by the Wandering Sickness (ie zombie plague, only more boring) that kills half of the world.

In the second half hour, we discover 1970 is the year smug, fetish-clad English airmen sweep in from the scientifically advanced and benevolent dictatorship of Basra and 'Peace Gas' the backward savages of Everytown into submission. The leader of these douchebags we're meant to be applauding is John Cabal, seen here looking sensible and not at all silly in his personal plane and Wondrous Ice Cream Scoop Hat.

The airmen of "Wings Over the World", "World Communication", "The Government of Common Sense" (or whatever it is they're actually called) crush the feeble locals and their horse-drawn motorcars and rusty biplanes. Having made the world safe for dictatorship, they set up AN EIGHT DAMN MINUTE MUSICAL SALUTE to industry and efficiency: welding, strip-mining, and science-ing up a storm! This "soon" culminates with the image of a 40 foot long automated toilet plunger assembling a building because...

It's 2036! Spindly moving sidewalks NOT AT ALL CRIBBED from Metropolis! Creepy stone lady statues NOT AT ALL CRIBBED... never mind! Cuddly little helicopters! SO CUTE!

We're told man has "conquered nature and built A GREAT WHITE WORLD." Oh, dear. That's an unfortunate couple of phrases. And, yeah, it sure is WHITE.

The conflict now is between an odd, loud craftsman who fears space travel will FORCE(?) humanity to live in awful, nasty, old outer space, and the strident, speechifying descendants of Cabal who are chomping at the bit to fire their lovely suicidal kids out of a GIANT GUN pointed at the moon, never to rest until all of space and time are conquered. A fey and orderly riot breaks out and may or may not be resolved somehow.

WELLS WROTE 'THE TIME MACHINE'! And 'The Invisible Man'. And 'War of The Worlds'. And 'The First Men in the Moon'. This guy FOUNDED twentieth century science fiction! WHAT HAPPENED HERE?

My theory is he tried SO hard to make the opposite of 'Metropolis' he forgot that logical, meticulous extrapolation and scientific accuracy are fine and dandy, but a film audience really wants to have some FUN with their Message Flakes.

Between the Head & The Hands... Jodhpurs!

2010-12-01T16:01:00.000-08:00

Nothing says FUTURE like a tight, wistful pair of jodhpurs, or so it seemed to Freder Frederson, ineffectual son of wealthy industrialist Joh Frederson in 'Metropolis', the 1927 black and white silent film by Fritz Lang.

Many thanks to my buddy Ron for running the recently released restored version of this sci-fi classic for me yesterday!

At 2 and a half hours, it is an hour longer than the version I watched back in my university film studies class- but this time I stayed awake and it made more sense! The restored footage comes partly from an all-but-scratched-to-hell copy found 2 years ago in a Buenos Aries museum. Thus, this DVD is the closest you can come to seeing this film in its original form without a time machine and a willingness to visit NEARLY-NAZI Germany.

(If you have a time machine, PLEASE consider going forward.)

Such as fabulous 2026!

Where biplanes meander between skyscrapers and hordes of miserable workers die in horrible explosions while servicing bizarre machines!

Where the elite drive classic hundred-year old German cars along spindly sky-high roadways!

And where C. A. Rotwang (yes, a name and a venereal disease all in one!), the mad scientist, kidnaps a lady preacher, copies her features onto an eerie robot and incites rioting via alternating strip shows and church sermons using her indoor screams.

The writer joined the Nazis 6 years later and her husband, Lang, divorced her over it and continued his film directing in less deadly countries. He remained chapped about the extreme editing job done on the film and it seems he was right.

Metropolis had a hella big budget: 5 million is a lot of ANYTHING, even twenties-era Reichsmarks. And although it didn't turn a profit, it was very popular. That kooky Joseph Goebbels thought the world of it! Joey killed a lot of people before he got the right one, but I guess we agree on one thing: it's a cool movie.

83 years old and it managed to give me both heebies and jeebies.

That's precision German-engineered creepy!

The gyrating robot girl was a mere 17 in her triple role as Maria, Machinemenchen Maria, and Tod (the Grim Spectre of Death), while the bad guys lusting after her closely resemble Grand Moff Tarkin and Beetlejuice. Yeeurgh!

H.G. Wells gave Metropolis a thumbs down, apparently, so to see what the future will REALLY be like, I'll soon be watching Wells' 'Things To Come'.

Jodhpurs!

"You Might End Up Dead" is my middle name.

2010-11-29T15:30:00.000-08:00

Charming, talented, and wickedly funny, Leslie Nielson appeared in over 100 movies, including my favorite film of 1956: Forbidden Planet. He was a man to admire, and he will be missed.

Surely, he was a national treasure. And don't call him Shirley.

Future World, Here We Come!

2010-11-24T14:04:00.000-08:00

I'm here as Gushy McFanboy to sing the praises of a science adventure cartoon created by Nelvana for Discovery Kids & Teletoon, based on the UK-German-Austrian Discovery Channel 'future wildlife documentary' of the same name. It aired in 2007 & 2008 and I just caught the reruns with my PVR last month, much like one might catch squibbon raisins beneath the trees in 200 million AD...

It's called 'The Future Is Wild', and I give it three tentacles up! 26 endearingly rendered episodes of speculative evolutionary biology appeal very much to the kid in me. I like the stories, the score, the action, the wit, the science-y stuff, and I adore the characters.

The humans of 12000 AD, faced with extinction due to mega ice age, send determined young Cassiopeia G in a Time Flyer to scout locations for possible relocation. Her robot crew damaged, she recruits three 21st century teens (plus a disaster-prone stowaway tree squid called Squibbon).

The bold, jocky Ethan, tenderhearted animal-loving Emily, and savvy but hypochondriac Luis aid the fish-out-of-water future girl "CG" in three time zones. They discover the possibilities of Earth's evolution after 5 million, 100 million, and 200 million years, usually while screaming and running for their lives from ravenous monsters descended from the current animal kingdom. From the swamps of the lurkfish to the glacier poggle farms of the silver spiders it's a mash-up of science and imagination to spark your sense of wonder:

Emily (approaching tribe of babookari, with her palms up: 'I hope this is the universal primate term for friendship'.

Luis (less optimistic) 'It could be the universal monkey term for 'don't our fingers look yummy?'.

The only possible drawback here is that it was short-lived. But my cursory research indicated they may soon be making a second 'documentary' with plenty more speculative creatures. I'm all for it!