Monday, December 6, 2010

Starship Troopers 3: It's A Good Day To Sigh

In case it's not apparent from my earlier posts, I was and am a big fan of the movie 'Starship Troopers'.  

However, Starship Troopers 2 was such unutterable bilge I don't want to waste even one sentence describing how godawful... 

  
Yes, it's not good.  It is a steaming piece of... cheese.  But, that said, if you were a big fan of the original and there's nothing on but 'Dancing with the Bears', then, like me, you can watch this one without using the fast forward button... much.

Otherwise (and that's a big otherwise) just avoid it. The way I couldn't.

Casper Van (Not As Bad As Tom Welling) Dien returns to flash his derriere as Johnny Rico, finally given the (very brief) opportunity to drive the robot suits promised in the book.  Like all the other 'special' effects, they left me not only underwhelmed but entirely Unwhelmed.  (The robots, not the butt.  Man's got a fine butt.)

The bugs that Rico's butt and company battle were apparently much cheaper and rarely effective- see one jarhead gutted by a cartoon you've seen them all.  I enjoyed the bug nickname 'Archie' as in 'Archie's on the move, sir'.  It's Riverdale, but stabbier.

Less enjoyable is the incomprehensible delivery of buxom Lt. Manikin- sorry, Manion, who was recruited to round out the Toplessness Division of the Federation, and who makes young Schwartzenegger sound like Sir Ian McKellan.

Speaking of objectionable, the part of Captain Beck goes to former Vulcan sexpot Jawlock Blaylock- sorry, Jolene Blowfish, SORRY- Jolene Blaylock.  (Why? Why would you do that to your face?!?)
If I can go off tangent here, (if tangent I had,) then, Ladies of Hollywood and Earth, this lip surgery is the lady equivalent of the Comb-Over.  

Yes, I'm sorry, but you're mortal.  

Try to face it with dignity and stop listening to the doctors and hangers-on who aren't telling you: THAT looks WAY WORSE than natural aging.

Anyhoo, Sky Marshall Anoke livened up the proceedings as a merchandise-hawking, pop-singing, religious zealot who leads our heros(?) right down the vaginal gullet and pointy phalluses of the monstrous Behemecoatyl 'Brain of Brains', finally splattered by the planet-busting bomb promised in the book.

I return from the killing fields of planet Roku San to bring you these details so you don't have to.  Do your part, Citizen!  Pretend this trilogy stopped at one.

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